Love IS Louder

Hey friends. So, there have been some disturbing things going on in this world and it makes my heart hurt. 

As of late, there has been a terrible epidemic of gay teens killing themselves because of bullying. It is so awful to see such hatred amongst teens and kids. I remember how hard it was to be a teenager; that is why I always say that I would never want to go back to my teen years. When I was a teenager we didn't have things like Facebook and Twitter to use as a means for communication. It was hard enough to be a teenager who could hear people talking about you or reading on someone's blog. Now in addition to all of that, you can see it in so many forms of social media and in real life. I feel like it is hard enough to be a teenager; you don't know who you are yet, and you're developing and not really knowing what is going on. You don't need to be made fun of for those reasons. 

I went to a performing arts high school. As a result, I went to school with a handful of gay and bi-sexual students. I was friends with these people and they were no different than the rest of us. I know that there was ridicule but nothing was worse than seeing many of the students being forced out by our school's administration. Isn't that horrible? I mean, how can we expect students to be tolerant if the adults in positions of power aren't tolerant? It's heartbreaking and disgusting. 

Moving on to college, I went to a school that had many gay and bi-sexual students. Emerson College was voted as the #1 school for GLBT students by the Princeton Review and with good reason. Emerson is a wonderful, open minded campus full of people who are committed to making this world a more compassionate place. 

This past weekend, ArtsEmerson produced a production of The Laramie Project. The Laramie Project tells the story of Matthew Shepard, who was brutally murdered because he was gay. It happened over ten years ago now but the story is still terribly relevant. After Matthew's death Fred Phelps and the members of the Westboro Baptist Church protested his funeral and the press coverage of the trial because of Matthew's homosexuality. As a result, Matthew's friends, lead by Romaine Patterson created a group called Angel Action to peacefully counter protest the members of Westboro. It was a beautiful display of people coming together for a common reason. When Westboro found out that ArtsEmerson was producing this production, they formed to stage a protest against the production. Upon hearing this Emerson students came together to form their own Angel Action. They staged a peaceful protest in the Boston Common, coming together to show that love is always going to be more powerful that hate. 

Unfortunately I was unable to attend the protest in Boston, I am so proud to be a member of the Emerson community. I think that we need to show the world that love really is stronger than hate. It is terrible that we still live in a world where people are discriminated against because of who they are. I want everyone to to come together and show the world that love is always going to be stronger than hate. Let's take a stand friends. There is no better time than now.

Decision Time

Today, I am writing a post that coincides with the post I wrote after I turned 24. I've realized that I'm going to use this summer as the summer of change. If I'm going to achieve what I want from life, I better figure it out right? I've been using much of the past few weeks to do just that. Well, I think I've subconsciously been doing it for awhile but now I'm finally ready to put it all down in words.

First off, I've decided to put acting on hold indefinitely. I'm not giving up on it, but I realize that it isn't my passion anymore. I suspect it hasn't been for a long time but I was afraid to say it because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. But I realize that the more I lived under the guise of wanting to be an actor I was only disappointing myself. I will never turn my back on performing but I cannot make it my life's focus anymore. I don't think I ever really have but I think I wanted to. I am currently working with friends on a project so that I can release the creative energy I still hold for performing that I was unable to find while trying to pursue it professionally. I think it will be quite good once I get it off the ground and I'm quite excited.

Secondly, related to the first, I've decided that I want to fully devote myself to my writing. Yup, I want to be a writer. Well, I want to be a published writer. Once you have written something, you are a writer. But I now realize that writing is and probably always has been my passion. I need to go for it and focus all of my attention on finishing my first full length novel. In addition I've also decided that I'd like a career in magazine writing and will spend the summer to try and make that happen. This way, I can write about the things that really excite me: clothes, makeup and celebrities. I just have to figure out how to go about this. I am determined to do it though.

Thirdly, I hate my job and need to find a new one until I can get the job I'd ideally like to have. In the past few weeks I have gotten increasingly frustrated in my place of work, mainly do to really ridiculous things I can't really talk about because if I even utter the company's name (like y'all don't know who I work for) I could get fired. Its totally b.s. but shit happens right. I've been telling myself that I want to stick it out there until September so that I can put on my resume that I worked at one place for at least a year but as the days pass I find that harder and harder to do. I don't think I've been this unhappy at a job before. Well, maybe when I was a waitress but that was more because of money than because of where I worked. Every time I walk into the doors of my job I become immensely agitated. I can't wait until it's time for me to go home. I don't feel like it's healthy, especially because of the forced enthusiasm I'm supposed to have while working. Lately I'm finding it increasingly hard to fake. But I will not quit this job until I have another one. This I've learned. Hopefully things will begin to work themselves out so I don't have to fake faking happiness much longer.

Well, those are really the biggest life adjustments I've been making lately. I feel that by writing them I'm actually going to start moving toward it. Because in my mind, nothing is actually real until its been properly documented for all to see. Plus then, people can hold me to it.

I'm Such A Sap, You Could Use Me to Make Syrup

I have a confession to make: I am in love. I am head over heels, truly, madly, deeply in love with my boyfriend and it's kinda crazy. I have NEVER EVER felt this way before in my whole entire 24 years of breathing. I have thought I've been in love before but it wasn't real. This is real. You know in cartoons when Bugs Bunny sees a lady bunny he likes and the hearts pop out of his eye sockets? That's me every time I see my boyfriend. I didn't think I was capable of having such feelings for another person but I can't imagine the foreseeable future without him. Being around him is one big sparkly ray of happiness. When we're together I can't wipe that stupid grin off my face no matter how hard I try. There aren't enough minutes in the day for us to be together. I fully entrust him with my heart, even though its quite fragile. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, unlike all of the guys in my past. I know that with this one I've struck gold. I don't think I ever want to give him up. We're a match made in demented heaven. 

Birthday Reflections

So last week I celebrated my 24th birthday. I do have to say I'm still not 100% comfortable with the idea of being 24 but I couldn't really stop it either. Turning 24 just reminds me that I'm getting older. And getting older is really scary. No one prepares you for this point in your life. Sometimes I feel like a bird thrown out of the nest with no map or instruction booklet. It freaks me out. But I can say, I learned a lot during my 23rd year; about life and about myself.

When I turned 23, I had yet to know what true heartbreak felt like. I was about to find out. It sent me to a dark lonely place but I figured out how to get back from there. And if I hadn't had the heartbreak, I wouldn't have opened myself back up to love. On my 23rd birthday I didn't wish for love to find me but it did and I'm glad. 23 brought me love. I learned how to open myself up to another person completely, share my heart with them and allow them to share theirs with me. I am head over heels in a way that I wasn't before. In a way that I don't think I could have appreciated a year ago. But now I'm ready.

I already knew that I had a group of people I could count on whenever I needed them. Not just my family but the family I created. And this year proved very truly who those people are. I also learned that I can be a shitty friend and the people who really care won't care about the shitty times and focus on the good ones. I've realized that sometimes people come in and out of our lives when we don't expect it. And there is always a reason for that. Sometimes you grow apart and that's okay. Sometimes you grow closer together and that's okay too. Everyone has a time in your life but they can't have it all the time.

I've also decided that I'm going to use 24 as a fresh start. I will approach my mid-twenties with a new frame of mind. I must figure out the tools I need to create my own destiny. I will diligently work to achieve what I want from my life, even if it means supplying myself with the most basic levels of information to get to the next part of my life. I will no longer sit idly by and let my life pass me by.

Most importantly I learned with 23 and continue with 24 is to live my life with my heart and mind open. I will take each day as it comes and I will embrace every minute of my life for the ways it will teach me and change me. I will love with every fiber of my being and I will fight for what I believe in. And that is the only way to grow.

Valentine's Day...

Well, it has come and gone. As a single girl, I always hated Valentine's Day for obvious reasons; I was single and bitter. And while I was most definitely not single and bitter this year I can honestly say that many of my feelings about the holiday haven't really changed.

I always felt that Valentine's Day was terribly commercial; a holiday made solely to sell chocolate, flowers and greeting cards. It still feels that way to me, except this year I indulged in some of that commercialism. I bought two greeting cards. Why two you ask? I am horrible at choosing things so I just decided to buy my boyfriend two cards that were both really indicative of our relationship and figured when it came time I'd choose. I again couldn't make a decision so he got two cards. Did I also mention I bought these in January? Well I did. I noticed during Christmas time that if you wait until the last minute all of the good cards are taken. And since we've only been together for two and a half months, its gonna be slim pickings in the card department. I don't know why greeting card companies only create a few cards for people who haven't been in relationships long. We're not in love yet so that cut out half of my options right there. The next cut were the overly sappy cards. I HATE sappy cards for any occasion but especially Valentine's Day. It's sappy enough, why do you need a card that reflects that too? I think the cards I got were kinda sappy but like I said, I had a limited amount to work with from the start.

And flowers! Why spend that much money for something that won't even make it until the next weekend? I told my boyfriend from the beginning that flowers would not be necessary because I kill them within minutes of them entering my house. Sure, they're pretty to look at for a little while but you forget about them anyway. But there were roses everywhere! I want to know which florist had an overflow of inventory and decided to force roses on poor clueless Valentine's Day consumers.

One thing I am a fan of is candy. Even in my single days, my Valentine's Day angst was easy remedied by a Whitman's sampler. I mean, chocolate is a cure-all in my opinion. All I needed this year was a box of chocolate and a good meal. Now that I think about it I got the meal but not the chocolate. But I got two desserts so I guess that makes up for it =).

I do have to say though, my boyfriend did a great job at making my first Valentine's Day a memorable one. We had a wonderful day together. I know he was super nervous about pleasing me, even though I told him I didn't need any grandiose gestures. Just getting to spend time with him is always wonderful and special so I didn't really care what we did. Especially if I got fed. You keep my tummy happy and you've therefore kept me happy. But he pulled out all the stops. First, I met him at work in a killer dress and got my first surprise of the day. I had mentioned that I really wanted to see the movie Valentine's Day. I love romantic comedies and the list of celebs in it was enough to make my spend my $12.50. But I know that he's not really into those kind of movies so I was like, "but you don't have to take me." I swear that this wasn't a bait to get him to take me; I would have totally gone with a girlfriend. But he pulled the tickets out of his pocket and I was thrilled.

We had some time before the movie started so we meandered around Barnes and Noble for a bit to kill time. They had some really cute books, including "Love Letters of Great Men," which is the book that Carrie reads to Mr. Big in the Sex and the City movie. When the movie was made it wasn't a real book but it became so popular they actually published it! I thought it would be too cheesy to purchase on Valentine's Day but I may go back and pick up a copy =). The movie was super cute in a totally cheesy romantic comedy kind of way and that's why I loved it. I got a little misty eyed at one point which made my boyfriend promptly turn to me in shock. He has never seen me emote in such ways before. He once jokingly called me "Tin Man" so the tears were definitely out of character. After the movie let out, we decided to go uptown for dinner to a restaurant recommended to us by a friend. We got lost trying to find it but when we got there it was totally worth getting lost for! It is called Covo and it's on 135th and 12th for any NYC friends who want to check it out.

After dinner we went back to his place to exchange gifts and hang out. I know he was making a big deal about my gift but I could honestly say I had no clue what he was getting me. I got him the dvd of Michael Jackson's This Is It because that's the movie we saw on our first date (cue the throwing up sounds) but I also know that he really just likes the movie so he'd enjoy watching it whenever he wanted. So once we got in and settled he apologized for not having time to wrap my gift which was fine by me. It's not Christmas and there's no satisfaction in ripping wrapping paper off a gift. So he just told me to turn around and there sitting on his floor was an Easy Bake Oven!!!

That may sound like a really random gift but its a big deal. Out of all the toys I got as a kid, the one thing I never got and really wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I've been bitter about it since I was like eight years old. It was the one thing I had that I could hold over my parents' heads. You know..."All I ever wanted was an Easy Bake Oven and you never got me one so that's why I went crazy." That kind of thing. It's come up in several conversations that my boyfriend has been involved in but I never in a million years thought that he would actually buy me one! Again, I wasn't dropping hints, promise. But there it was in all of its kitschy glory. When I told my parents, they were shocked and jealous. My mother then told me that they planned to finally get me one for my birthday this year. But it's too late! This is why I have the greatest boyfriend ever. He really did make the day special for me.

And I know that no other Valentine's Day will live up to this one because it was the first one I've ever really celebrated. But I can safely say that though I have eased up on my harsh feelings on matters of the heart, I still remain a skeptic of Valentine's Day. But I have to thank my wonderful boyfriend for temporarily making me see the holiday through rose colored glasses =D

The Wheels On the Bus...

Or train...or ferry...well not ferry. Ferries don't have wheels do they? I'll have to look into that. I don't think this will be a very long post but its something I've been thinking about the past few days. I'm from New York City. Staten Island to be specific and actually that's an important factor. I live on Staten Island but I work in Manhattan. Yep, I'm one of those commuter type of folks. Granted, I work nights so I don't go into work until the middle of the afternoon but honestly I think that traveling during the afternoon is an even bigger pain in the ass than commuting during rush hour. At least then, everything and everyone is prepared and expecting the large volume of people traveling. But in the middle of the afternoon, not so much. The other killer is the fact that I don't get off of work until what is pretty much considered "late night." Oh happy happy joy.

Since I live on Staten Island, most people assume I take the Staten Island Ferry. I do...occasionally. But I usually take the bus from my house into Brooklyn and then take the R train (and the N train) into the city. Why? Because the ferry in the middle of the afternoon is ridiculous. Most of the time it is one of the new ferries. Those are so cold and impersonal and terribly uncomfortable. Plus...there are tourists. And I'm not talking about at holiday times or times when you'd expect high tourist traffic. Oh no, this happens all year round. My question is...don't these people have lives and jobs? And don't their obnoxious children have school?! Tourists on the ferry are such a pain in the ass. I think they should create a separate ferry for them so they leave us poor mid-afternoon commuters alone. This is why I take the bus. It's generally peaceful save for the annoying teenagers or college kids. But I've learned how to ignore them for the most part. Unless they're being really bad. But more about that later.

When I take the ferry I'm a creature of habit. I mean I've been taking it for pretty much 23 years, except when I'm not in town. Even when I lived in Brooklyn I'd take the ferry back to visit friends, family, etc. Over these many years I've decided that I like to sit in certain parts of each ferry. What section, which seat, etc. I'm a little neurotic and maybe I have a little OCD. But whatever. Its more my habitual need for comfort. So, I do feel like my personal space has been invaded whenever people sit too close to me. But only if they're not with me. If my dad sat next to me I would not be bothered. The little girl I used to babysit always sat next to me which I thought was cute. But when a complete stranger sits right across from me or next to me it makes me annoyed and a bit uncomfortable. Especially if its not rush hour or a peak traveling time and there are plenty of other seats elsewhere. Take for example last night. I was traveling home from a very enjoyable evening with my friend Sarah and I got one of my favorite ferries. I love it because it is very warm in the winter. Mind you I'm on the 11pm ferry so it's not terribly crowded. While I'm catching up on the evening's tweets, these two foreign guys sit down directly across from me.

Let me say, I was not pleased. This particular ferry doesn't have very wide aisles and so with two strangers sitting right across from me, I feel cramped. There were plenty of other places for them to sit! And to make matters worse, one of them pulls out a banana and starts eating. Okay, I am not a fan of bananas and when I smell one I feel sick to my stomach. Even just smelling one in passing. Forget when it is right in my face. I was not a happy person. I know I probably sound like a whiny brat but I'm sorry. I should not have to be uncomfortable or annoyed on my trip home. That's why I don't like to eat while I travel; you never know who you may be offending with your food smells.

Then after the eventful and aggravating ferry ride, I take the bus home. I take the bus that has some of the most obnoxious passengers so I don't expect much. But I figured it was Thursday so maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I was terribly wrong. A very large group of very loud people proceed to get on my bus and talking obnoxiously loud their whole trip. Luckily they got off before me because I'd be so pissed if I spent my whole ride home with the people who believe using their outside voice is a way of life. I understand that they make have been traveling together or whatever but not everyone cares about their conversations. It's annoying and rude. Act like its 11 o'clock at night, not 11 o'clock in the morning. Loud travelers, no matter what time of the day is my biggest pet peeve, hence my comment about not liking to travel with teens.

All I want to say to my fellow commuters is please just be conscious of those around you. Just because you like to talk loud and eat bananas doesn't mean that everyone around you does too.

I'm Sorry, I Don't Believe In Calories

I'm baaaaaaaack! Happy 2010! I have been meaning to blog but life has been a bit...crazy lately and I haven't had much time. But I'm focused so I figured while I was I'd bang out a blog entry!

Well, now I'm sure you're wondering about the title of this entry. For anyone who reads this and doesn't know, I work in a cupcake bakery. They're all the rage in New York City lately. But it's a NY State rule that if a food service company has more than like 10 locations they are required to post the caloric intake of all the delicious baked goods being sold. Let me tell you this first: no, it has not effected business. Second, yes it's a pain in the tush when people asked me about the calorie counts on our products. One because I don't know! We didn't start posting calories until after I started working for the company and they didn't make us learn them or anything. They're printed on every sign in black and white. This does not stop people from of course asking a bazillion questions. When I tell them I don't know, most people (especially women) have the initial response "well of course YOU don't."

I want to stop and say "excuse me, but what is THAT supposed to mean?" I know what they mean but still. Yes, I realize that I'm slim and appear to be in good shape but that soooo does not matter. Yes, I'm sure people of my build like to count calories. I'm definitely not one of them but how do the people talking to me know that? I'm a firm believer in eating whatever you want because why starve yourself? Eventually we're all going to die anyway so why not be happy? Of course one should be healthy and such but come on, you have to indulge every once in awhile. And I'm not saying eat the whole cupcake at once. You have to create boundaries for yourself; not deny yourself what you really want because you're striving to fit some ideal body type.

Here's my philosophy on weight and body (especially for women), you shouldn't have to starve yourself to be happy. No one says that you have to fit an ideal body type and you shouldn't force yourself to fit one. You should be happy with what God gave you and as long as you're healthy, that should be enough. It makes me so sad when people look at me while I'm working and ask "how do you stay so thin working here?" and then I have to explain that one gets sick of cupcakes after working there for like four months. But still, when I want something, I have it! I don't stop myself from eating the brownie, I just portion myself. I don't freak out after I eat it or agonize and then force myself to repent on the treadmill the next day.

I feel that society places too much emphasis on being thin and not enough emphasis on being healthy. We as women are forced to believe that anything over a size six is fat. God forbid a woman is a size twelve, she is considered plus size! Plus size used to be a size sixteen or something. Isn't it crazy that what's considered bigger is getting smaller? Especially when women are getting bigger? What happened to the days when a curvier, larger framed woman was considered sexy? Its sad that to see this on television. Like Christina Hendricks on Mad Men. Now, that's sexy.

I would kill to be a little more full figured. I'm naturally thin, its in my genetic makeup. So I know I'm never going to be terribly heavy or full figured. People hate me for it but hey, its not something I can change. We have to give our fellow sisters support. But back to my points earlier, you should be happy with how you look! If you're not, no amount of calorie counting or running on the treadmill is going to change that. So have the big cupcake instead of the small one, eat that extra handful of M&Ms and smile! Tomorrow is not guaranteed so be happy today ladies!!