Tuesday, December 15, 2009

You Make My Heart Super Happy!

Okay, so that title is from a kids television show called Ni Hao Kai-Lan (do not judge me; I watched it a lot when I was a nanny). But I feel like it applies very well to the current life situation I've found myself in.

For anyone who actually knows me, you've probably figured out what's making me so happy. For those who don't know, I have a boyfriend. My first for reals, actually committed, big girl relationship. I've never had a boyfriend ever in my twenty three years of existence. But now I do and frankly, I couldn't be happier.

I'm going to try not to be too mushy but sometimes I honestly can't help it. I am so ridiculously happy that sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming. I know I sound super cheesy but I'm sure it'll wear off eventually. It's just so bizarre to me. Sure I've liked plenty of guys in the past but this is so very different than any experience I've ever had. I've finally figured out what people have told me about really liking someone and actually making a commitment to be with them.

Now, I am definitely one of the most cynical people I know, especially when it comes to men and relationships. I think it's because I've been burned so many times; I just put up a defensive wall instead of actually being open to a relationship. They say timing is everything though. After the situation I went through a couple months ago, I didn't think that I was ready to let anyone into my heart but I guess I was! And boy am I glad because I am seriously just one big ball of excitement, even when I'm mad, I'm still happy deep down inside. It really amazes me that one person can make me so infinitely full of joy. I need to stop saying the word happy lol. My joy is really just overwhelming sometimes; I didn't think I was capable of such things. But really I just think that more than anything, it's not actually having a boyfriend that's making me so happy, its the actual person.

I've always believed that when you find the right person for you it'll be as clear as day. Something just changes. When I was in college, I would dress and act a certain way when I knew I was going to see the guy I liked. Sure, it got his attention and it worked, but I always felt that I had to act a certain way after that. When I met Jon (that's my boyfriend's name for those who don't know), I was totally myself. I didn't really care much about impressing him, mainly because I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend (it's really true. you just have to be open and let these things come to you). We really just became good friends who enjoyed spending time with each other. I can honestly say that I don't remember when I started liking him, but it wasn't long after we met. Every story I told mentioned his name at least once. That's usually a good indicator of how much you like someone right? But for a really long time I had no idea if he liked me or not. I mean sure we kinda flirted but I flirt with everybody. When I asked a friend's opinion, she pretty much told me I was an idiot for not noticing that he was obviously into me. (have I mentioned I am horrible at telling if a guy likes me or not?)

Of course, I was still unsure. I mean, just because my friends thought he liked me didn't actually mean he did right? It took awhile before I was really sure. It wasn't until he started texting me like every day. We would talk for hours on top of the hours we had already been talking to each other. And we'd talk about EVERYTHING that came to mind. For the first time probably ever, I was totally comfortable being myself. I never put on an act and dressed or talked a certain way. Even after I figured out that he probably liked me. He liked me even if I was a huge dork. He thinks all my little quirks are "interesting." He thinks I'm funny and cool and likes being around me. I don't think I've ever really liked a guy who genuinely thought I was cool. I don't really think I'm cool, but who am I to judge his taste? =P

I've always said that whatever guy likes me and wants to be with me must be crazy because of all of the ridiculous issues that I have. That an my neurotic tendencies. But they don't phase him. Whenever something comes up, we talk about it, he reassures me that it doesn't matter to him and then we move on. And I always feel better. I know that I can be 100% honest with him and it won't scare him off (he actually appreciates that I don't hide any of my feelings. I really did this to force him to tell me he liked me but hey, it's working so I'll stick with it). But why lie to someone you really care about? This is what I've learned about relationships, when you're open and honest about your feelings, you get the same thing back. If you hold back anything, you can expect the person you're with to do the same thing. To me, honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. No one is a mind reader and if you're afraid to tell the person you're with what you're thinking or feeling, how are they going to know.

Now, that's why I can say I'm the happiest I've ever been! I'm with someone who is happy to be with me too. We are kind of ridiculously cheesy most of the time but it's cute. We like to hold hands and I love when he kisses me on the forehead or gives me hugs. I'm finally like one of those couples that I used to make fun of walking down the street (okay I admit sometimes I still make fun of them but I can't help it!). I get butterflies when we kiss and nothing makes my day better than seeing him smile. I'm with a wonderful, amazing, smart, funny, cute guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Who wouldn't be happy?

"the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." ~Juno~

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Power of Friendship

Today I spent a lovely afternoon with two of my best friends. These two ladies, Christine and Amanda have been my best friends my whole life. I'm not even kidding. Each of us is approximately nine months apart in age. We like to say that we were born for each other.

Over the years we haven't always been in touch or seen each other on a regular basis but it has never changed the amount of love that we have for each other. These were the two people who taught me how to be a friend and its just so wonderful to be able to still have that continuing bond. Each of our lives have taken many interesting turns...Christine is married with two kids, Amanda just got engaged and lives in Connecticut and me? Well I'm still very single but I'm not bitter. I support my girls no matter what. The coolest thing to me is that despite the fact that we are three completely different people with completely different lives, it doesn't seem to have changed our friendship. Sure, it means that we don't get the time to talk as much as we'd like but we will always pick up like no time has passed at all.

Today was the first time the three of us have really spent time together since we were all teenagers. It was so great to be able to be together and talk about how much things have changed but we're still the same three people in our core. We love talking about our younger days and all the silly things we did and said and we talk about our lives now and how weird it is that we're all adults now. Amanda was hilariously overwhelmed by Christine's two young sons while I just got down on the floor and played with the little guys.

Honestly I think the most interesting and important about our friendship is that regardless of anything...time, distance, growing up, etc. we still really want to be a part of each others' lives. I have other close friends who i don't get to spend much time with that I felt like I've grown apart from considerably. Mainly because they want me to be a part of their life when they want. And we let our growing up and choosing other paths change things. I was one of the first people Christine told when she got pregnant with her younger son Christopher and I was her witness when she got married. I was one of the first people Amanda called when she got engaged. And when these things happen to me they'll be the first people I call. We're there to support each other no matter what. We three are the true definition of from cradle to grave.

And I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have a friendship like ours. I consider those two girls my sisters and I know they feel the same about me. Its a really beautiful thing.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Time Keeps Ticking Into the Future

This is going to be hopefully a quick but insightful and meaningful blog (i almost wrote tweet. i spend too much time on twitter)

I was just online looking at baby stuff to buy as a gift for my first friend from college to have a baby. I love her to death and she's one of my best friends and so I'm terribly thrilled and excited but at the same time I'm scared to death! Mainly because it reminds me that me and my friends are getting older and it freaks me out...a lot. I'm not really prepared for time to go by so quickly. It's like we were freshman five minutes ago and I was holding her hair back while she puked her guts out at a wild cast party and now she's going to be a mommy.

Granted she isn't the first friend I have that is having a baby but for some reason this just seems so different. Maybe it's because she's my first friend from college. College that we only left not even a year and a half ago. It's way different. We graduated together, got our degrees at the same time and set out for the world as real live bonafide grownups at the same time. My other friends who have children are friends from outside of school. Still two of my best friends but it's different. It's still scary because they were younger than we are now and I was younger and I've known both of them my whole life.

This whole growing up thing is really tricky. I don't exactly know how to handle it from day to day. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm twenty three. I'm past school and homework and everyone telling me what to do. But then for all of that freedom I get bills and jobs and friends settling down and getting married and having babies. That is seriously scary. Mainly because it reminds me that there's really no going back, only hurdling forward at top speed with no way to stop. I recently turned to my mom and said "stop this ride, I want to get off." I wasn't on a roller coaster or anything. The this thing I was referring to is my life. Sometimes I really wish I could stop the clock just for one second. Just one second to breathe and stay in one place. Every minute that ticks by is one more minute I'm never going to get back. It's one more minute to make something happen.

It's funny. My friends and I freak out that we're only a stone's throw from twenty five and while we talk about lavish parties and all, I have a feeling that I'll want to spend the day in bed hiding under the covers. Growing up is a scary thing but there's no way to stop it. My heart thumps a little faster every time I see a new friend on Facebook is engaged or someone else I know has a baby. It makes me realize that time is going by way too fast and I really need to enjoy it because one morning I'm going to wake up and I'll be fifty and I'll say "holy shit, when did this happen?!"

And as I sit and watch the minutes tick away from my life, it makes me think about all of the things I want to accomplish before I can't. I don't know how many more breaths I have left and I feel like I need to make each one of them count. I feel like I need to correct mistakes from my past as well as make new memories for my future. As you grow older you begin to realize that your time on Earth is not infinite. Make each second count for something. And it's okay to be afraid of getting older. The future is a scary place. But we can't really stop it from coming.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Cinema Should Make You Forget You're Sitting In A Theater

The title of this blog is a quote from Roman Polanski. The inspiration for this blog comes from another blog someone posted on my favorite livejournal community Oh No They Didn't...the blog can be found here if anyone is curious. For those who don't want to read it basically the author talks about her dislike for John Hughes movies and why she doesn't think they defined the 80s generation, but then she cites a movie that expresses the culture of a very small group of ppl. And while I don't necessarily agree with the author's point, it made me think.

The first time I experienced one of the quintessential John Hughes films I couldn't have been much older than maybe 14. I honestly don't remember because its been so long that I feel like these movies are just a normal part of my life. And in a way they are. Most of them came out before I was even born (Ferris Bueller came out after but I wasn't even two months old.) But when I stumbled upon them in my adolescence I immediately just attached to them. The first one I saw was of course The Breakfast Club. It was on television so it was heavily edited but despite that I absolutely loved it. Now I had no idea that this movie was some sort of critical darling. I had no idea who any of the actors were (except for maybe Molly Ringwald but that's because my mom recognized her from the first season of The Facts of Life). No one sat me down and said "now you must watch this movie; it defined a generation." I just said "ooh tennagers, looks fun." I can understand why I attached to it though; it was such a powerful piece. It reminded me of things I myself was going through.

When I first saw The Breakfast Club I probably related more to Anthony Michael Hall or Ally Sheedy's character. Though now my friends will say I'm more like Molly Ringwald. PS: I was never as popular as Claire...ever. As a pre-teen I was goofy and weird and silly. I only fit in with the "popular" girls because we shared extra cirricular activities like plays and dance. I relished every minute of it while we were together and found myself asking the same question Brian poses near the end of the detention...would we still be friends outside of that isolated moment. My personal experience was half and half depending on the situation but I definitely think Claire's response in the movie was incredibly honest and real. The popular kids don't usually fraternize with kids who aren't like them. I don't think she was being a bitch, that's just the reality of being a teenager. When you're a teen especially, you stick to people who are like you. Its the safety in numbers thing.

I went to a performing arts high school so I can hardly say I had a typical high school experience. But I can definitely relate to the characters in the movie. Because even within our differences, we still had similar dynamics. I had friends outside of my major sure but where did 98% of my friends come from? The drama department. It wouldn't be seen as a major crime against life if you were friends with someone outside of your social group but you know...it was weird.

I feel like the themes and emotions of the characters in John Hughes movies are what keep them popular. In every character, you see someone you know, no matter what kind of group you hang out in. You know someone like John Bender, Ferris Bueller sits next to you in math class, Duckie is your best friend too and seriously what girl hasn't felt like Samantha Baker at some point in her life? I think the underlying themes of these movies are what drew audiences and critics in. They loved them because of what they represented, not who. So what if you're a goth punk anarchist who is all "damn the establishment!" ? You're still a human who feels human emotions. That's where the real story comes from. I mean I'm black. Do any characters in John Hughes films look like me? No. Do they represent my socioeconomic status? No. But do they experience and feel things that I do? Yes.

I don't think John Hughes was setting out to capture the voice of a generation. And I don't think the elements of it that captured a generation have anything to do with the plots and who the movie depicts. What represents the generation is the look of movies, the pop culture. The bands, the clothes, the lingo. I think what it captures is the soul of a specific age group. Teenagers are different than any other age group. Your hormones are shifting and things are changing and really you're just a passenger on the crazy ride. There is no way you can say that the emotions and feelings experienced by the characters in John Hughes' teen movies didn't speak to you. You felt most of them at some point yourself, admit it. You lusted after the boy who didn't know you existed, you were the kid everybody picked on. These are natural occurances. And I think John Hughed hit the jackpot because before his movies, teens didn't have anything like that to latch on to.

I know that now I will be showing my nieces and nephews these movies and one day when I have kids I'll show them as well. And I know what I'll tell them, "these movies didn't define a generation; these movies captured a time of your life when everything seems out of whack. watch these, learn from them and see yourself in them."

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case...a princess...and a criminal... Does that answer your question?... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sexy Is As Sexy Does

I watched the Teen Choice Awards tonight. Though my teen years are most definitely (and happily) behind me, I like to watch the show and see the people I like on it (like the cast of Twilight). So yeah, I saw Miley Cyrus's performance. And my opinion is...what's the big deal?

As a kid of the 90s, I remember the first time I saw Britney Spears flouncing around in a little schoolgirl outfit and pigtails. Please, that is like two steps away from a pole. Maybe even worse. She was sending mixed signals. At least with Miley's performance it was what it was. She danced against the pole for like a minute and then kept going. It's not like she jumped on top of it and flipped upside down in a spread eagle. And don't try to say she might as well have done that. That is a crock of bull and anyone with a semi functioning brain can see that. Do you know how many people go to aerobics class where you work on the pole? It's a serious workout. What, was it because Miley had on shorty shorts and boots? She didn't take any of her clothes off though! And honestly, that's no worse than a nude colored bra and pants covered in rhinestones.

I think this really comes down to something that has irked me for years. Parents are always quick to blame the artist for being a bad role model because of various reasons. The way the dress, what they say, how they act. The last time I checked, it wasn't Miley Cyrus's job to maintain anyone's moral integrity but her own. So people shouldn't be giving her a hard time because of what she wears or how she acts on stage. Sure she's 16 (almost 17) but she's still a hell of a lot more admirable than a lot of regular girls her age. Let us not forget that at 16 Jamie Lynn Spears was knocked up. That's really not uncommon at that age! That's what parents should be talking to their daughters about, keeping their goddamn legs closed. No 16 year old girl needs to be having sex and if they are, put them on birth control. At least Miley's not walking around with a big old pregnant belly going "Hey y'all, watch my show!" So what that she wore some shorty shorts and danced against a pole for a few seconds? It's really not the end of the world. It's a part of a show.

My philosphy is that if you're so concerned about what Miley's doing and worried that your young daughter is going to get the wrong impression, sit down and talk to her! Explain that what Miley was doing was just a part of a show, that she's a performer and that's her job. Tell her that just because Miley did it on television does not mean that it's okay to dress like that and act that way when you're out in public. Don't look to celebrities to teach your kids what's right and what's wrong. YOU'RE the parent; that is YOUR responsibility! It really bothers me that parents don't want to step up to the plate and deal with it. It is Miley Cyrus's job to be an entertainer, nothing else.

And sure you can say that it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Yes, there were pictures circling the interwebs of Miley flashing her panties...they're just underwear! She was otherwise covered, unlike Vanessa Hudgens or some other Disney stars who were showing all their business! Honestly someone could get a good view of your panties if you accidentally open your legs too wide wearing a skirt. The point is, she was wearing panties. You didn't see any boobies or any other lady parts.

If it really comes down to the way she was dressed while dancing...HELLO! have you walked into a store for juniors any time recently? I went on a quest to find a simple pair of denim shorts, nothing too fancy or anything to wear when it was warm and I didn't want to wear a dress. I went to about three or four stores before I found a pair that didn't show off my business!! I'm 23 years old and if I shouldn't be showing off my goods, what makes it okay for a 16 girl? And those are the only people I see wearing these shorts! Psh, they should be called denim underwear! So its okay for your kid to be traipsing the streets looking like she forgot to put on pants but it's not okay for Miley Cyrus to dance against a pole? Where is the logic in this?! Maybe I missed something. But I don't get it. Again, she's not walking around pregnant saying "Hey everyone! Look up to me! I'm knocked up because I danced on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards!"

Seriously, give me a break. Performers PERFORM. Parents PARENT. Honestly, Miley's performance was no worse than some of the conversations I hear from girls her age (and younger) on the bus. So either, we clean it all up or we can't complain. And remember, only parents can teach their children moral integrity. And we ain't Miley's momma.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I'm Not A Feminist But...

Why are people so threatened by a strong woman? We've had rights to speak our mind in this country for awhile now and it feels like every time it happens, the world falls apart. I feel like its especially worse in the entertainment industry which makes me seriously nervous because I want to be in that industry. But it seems like whenever a female artist has something to say that someone doesn't like, she gets all sorts of backlash.

Take for example, Katherine Heigl. I mean, I'm not a huge fan but I admire her for being so open with her feelings. But most people (in the industry and just regular people) consider her public enemy number one. Why? Because she wasn't afraid to say that she found "Knocked Up" to be misogynistic? Um, hello it kind of was. And completely unrealistic. I'm sorry but someone as hot as Katherine Heigl would not sleep with Seth Rogen no matter how many beers she had. But as soon as she spoke out everyone came down on her because it was the movie that launched her film career into orbit. So fucking what? And I know people will say well if she felt that way why did she make it? Um, forget not that this is a business. And maybe it read one day and then came to be something completely different once it was done. It's not like she could have pulled out halfway during filming because she didn't like the image of women the movie portrayed. Then she'd have to deal with backlash from that.

And now two years later Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen have something to say about her comments. It's like "really?" Did it offend them that much that they had to make a comment all this time later? Hey, maybe the woman had a point. Did you ever think about that guys? Give me a break okay? If you don't like what she had to say, tough. You have no problem spending the money the movie made you right? And how much of that was because she was in the movie? I mean, it's just a thought.

And let's not forget when she gracefully pulled her name out of the hat for an Emmy nomination the year after she won. She very simply stated that she didn't feel like the material that had been written for her gave her a performance worthy of being nominated for an Emmy. I watch Grey's Anatomy and I can say that she really had a horrible season and if she had been nominated for an Emmy I would have been pissed. I understand that characters have arcs and such but Izzie made me want to punch her in the face she came on screen. The writers and creator of the show should not have been mad that she told the truth; they should have been mad that they put that garbage on my tv screen week after week. Of course, they gave her a kickass season this year (as well as a terminal disease) but her being honest made them sit an reevaluate things.

Another example is Kelly Clarkson. She is the first and most successful American Idol winner and yet she can't get any respect from Clive Davis and her record label RCA. Really, because of the way they treat her, if I saw Clive Davis in the street I'd spit in his eye. I'm not even joking. When Kelly's album "My December" was released in 2007, she told interviewers that her label had offered her $10 million to take about 6 songs off her album because they didn't think there were enough radio friendly songs. When refused, they pulled all promotion away from the album. There weren't really many singles released...I think there was only the first single "Never Again." If there were any additional singles, they weren't on the radio and there were no videos made. The tour that was to take place right after the album's release was cancelled. I was supposed to go to that tour and I was so angry. Their excuse? Low ticket sales. Other artists have had tours with low ticket sales and the shows still happened so that was a bullshit excuse.

With her new album "All I Ever Wanted" Kelly did what was excpected of her. There are more poppy radio friendly tracks and it sold well. I also think that people need to expand their musical horizons. Just because "My December" was a little darker than what we had previously heard from Kelly a lot of people say the album sucks. It's a great album and if people just opened their ears they would see that. The newest single from "All I Ever Wanted", "Already Gone" is a great track, don't get me wrong but it wouldn't have been what I would have picked from the ballads. Kelly also stated this recently. Her label wanted her to release the song which was co-written with Ryan Tedder. He's a great songwriter no question but people started comparing it to Beyonce's "Halo" which was also penned by Tedder. Kelly said that this was a reason for not wanting to release the song as a single but her label did it anyway. And as soon as the words left her mouth, bam goodbye support from RCA.

It really bugs me that men have the power over the decisions. Here is a strong, opiniated female just merely stating what is her opinion and possibly fact and then losing all kinds of support from the men in power. Forget losing support, she is downright punished for speaking her mind. How is that fair? Isn't this country based on the freedom to have your own opinions? These two women are being treated horribly just because they shared their opinions on projects they were involved in, be it truth or not.

Why are people (men and women) so afraid of a woman who is not afraid to speak her mind? Why shouldn't we feel like we can shake things up a little bit every once in awhile? And not even shake things up. But we shouldn't be afraid to tell the truth because of how it could come back to bite us in the ass later. I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman and I am not afraid to speak my mind most of the time. What kind of message is that putting out there for young girls. That if you speak your mind, you will be publicly shamed and have thousands of people turn against you? You're not going to see me standing up and burning my bra anytime soon but this is something that has really bothered me lately. I mean, how do I know that after writing this someone isn't going to try and tell me that I'm not allowed to write this blog anymore?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Hello again! Just a short thought tonight. This time we have a very nice blog post; not a scathing review of peoples' actions.

My good friend and fellow blogger "Carrie Blackshaw" (http://alwayskeepinitclassy.blogspot.com/) and I are trying to have a new outlook on life. We are aiming to be positive! You'd think "hey, how hard is it to have a positive outlook on life?" It's a lot harder than people think it is. Especially now, when the economy is in the toilet and I can't get a callback at an audition or anything. It's very easy to be overwhelmed by your own life and fall into a slump of negativity. Despite my new desire to be positive, it's impossible to be that way all the time. But whenever I begin to feel down, I try to think about something good that has happened to balance out the bad.

The reason I wanted to share this with you all is because I feel that its really important. I try to always be the cheerleader for my friends, encouraging them to keep positive and have a nice open lookout on life. Because it isn't just about not feeling negative, it's also about being open to what life has to offer. You never know what's going to happen when you walk out of your front door. Heck, you never know what's going to happen the minute you open your eyes each day. But you can't shut out new experiences. My belief is that you can't have a totally positive life outlook if you aren't open to the universe. Take each thing that life hands you and use it to help you get to the next point. You should always live your life moment to moment. Don't plan ahead too far; you may never know how long it make actually take for life to catch up to your plan.

Like I said, this is going to be a short post. But I want you to try this. After you've read this blog, the next morning I want you to get up and say "Happy ______! (insert day here) Today will be a good day and even if it isn't I will do one thing to try and stay positive and open to the universe." Remember kids, you are in control of your own mind.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Celebrity Skin

*duh duh duh* I'M BAAAAAAAACK! hehe Hi again out there in the blogosphere! So what's up? I have a few great blog ideas, so be on the look out for them soon! But today is another topic...so here we go!

Well, this is something that has been boiling my butter lately. I will not name names because that's not how I roll but there is a certain *ahem* celebrity who I feel is in need of me sharing some thoughts on. When I become a fan of someone, especially when I was in my younger years (haha cuz I'm so old) I became fiercely loyal and in a lot of cases I'm still fiercely loyal. Why shouldn't I be? If they've done me no harm why should I pull my support away? But lately this particular figure has made me question my loyalty to him because of his actions recently.

As someone who wants to be in the public eye myself, I have of course my own opinions on how celebrities should conduct themselves, especially with their fans. Because I am such a fan of so many people, there are certain levels of decorum that celebrities should follow when dealing with fans. Its called humility. You have to remember that your fans are the ones that make you who you are. Celebrities should never feel entitled to ANYTHING. Not a dang nabbed thing. And that is my biggest gripe right now with this particular person. They don't seem to have any humility. Maybe at moments, but there is definitely a certain sense of entitlement. Like just because this person was a huge global star like eight years ago does not mean a dang thing today. You have to work to get back to that level.

The American music industry is like a tide; it ebbs and flows constantly. Just because you're up today, doesn't mean you will be tomorrow. And sometimes I think that celebrities forget that. Its never a guarantee. And this person just assumes that now that they are ready to be back in the spotlight everyone is just supposed to be like falling all over themselves and if they have one doubt about anything its like "mind your business because I'm going to do what I want anyway" Well if that was going to work, they wouldn't need fans...which they clearly do. So even if this whole front is just for publicity or attention, its being counterproductive. By acting like a fool, you're only going to push fans away, not making them throw themselves at your feet. And if they are, they're really pretty stupid. Sure, fans outside of the United States may be bending over backward for you but they clamor for any American music, even if its someone who is no longer popular in the United States. Come on, David Hasselhoff is still popular in Germany isn't he?

It just really bugs me that this celebrity feels they have the right to talk to their fans like they don't matter. There is a general "Eff you, because even though I say you're important I don't really mean it" vibe going on in a lot of the things they are saying in public venues. Again, like I said, if its a publicity stunt, its really not working. Instead of making people more interested, its pushing people away. And its something that this person has really only started recently. I don't know where it came from. First starting a fight with a gossip blog...that is so Perez Hilton. An established artist should be above that, no matter how low they are now. And now I can honestly say I don't blame the blog for leading a revolt against this person. They are not being very nice and have totally alienated some of their incredibly loyal fans by making some very rude and unnecessary comments. Just a really big "Eff you" while saying that only the true fans are worth having around. I was a true fan and right now I don't care how good their new music may be, if they don't get their attitude in check, I'm done.

And while they may not think they need fans, they do. Let this be a lesson.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Emotional Purging

Remember back in May when I wrote that post about that guy who turned out to be king of the douche colony? Yeah, so do I.

I took tonight out to do some emotional purging. I scoured through my Facebook and read every message, wall post, whatever I could find from him. (I do find it annoying though that one cannot see wall-to-wall if you are no longer FB friends with the person) I didn't delete them because I feel like this is an ongoing process. It's not something that is going to happen once and then I will be magically cured. Its been about two months since it all ended and I've been dealing with it really well. Every so often he'll creep back into my thoughts and then I remember how everything ended. The only reason I chose today to purge is because my dad asked me if we still talked. A simple "He doesn't exist." kept my parents from prying but a part of me wanted to tell them. I wanted to say this jerk took total advantage of my fragile emotional state. But what would that have done? Absolutely nothing.

This healing process is a process for me and me alone. Every few months I will sit and look back at all of those ridiculously sappy "I love you's" and "You're beautifuls" and everything that could have been a total lie. It's not like I'll ever find out the truth. And I think that's my main reason for this emotional purging. I'll never find out the truth. I won't get to find out if any of those "I love you's" or "you're beautifuls" were true. Because reading back that message it's hard to tell how much of it was true and how much of it was a defense mechanism. It's hard to tell someone the truth. It's hard to hear the truth. And I also know that it's hard to look at your own reflection after you've heard the truth. So who knows? But I will purge and I will reflect and I will keep positive (except for those few comments that will make me scream "You jerk!" at my computer screen. hey, a little yelling is healthy =P)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Man in the Mirror

Today, the music industry lost a legend. I still can't believe that Michael Jackson is dead. It just doesn't seem real. I mean, he was only 50...not much older than my mom. And he was getting ready to do all those shows in London...its such a tragedy.

Its hard to remember any part of my life without Michael Jackson's music...probably because he became famous before my parents even met each other, lol. Like I said, he's not even a whole year older than my mom so she felt like they grew up together. But really, my entire childhood was dominated by his presence. I'm a product of the 80s, which is without argument, the pinnacle of his extraordinary visions. I remember being scared shitless by the "Thriller" video (to be honest, I still am to this day. It was obviously being played before and my dad came in and tried to scare me by putting it on. I was luckily reading a book but he got a nice smack from me) but I also remember loving "Bad" and "Beat It".

When I was about nine or ten, my uncle Mike (mom's brother) gave me a five disc stereo for my new bedroom. I was so excited. That was the age I had really started to discover my immense and intense love for music. I noticed with the stereo he gave me a single CD...Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall." OTW was his first official solo album, which came out in 1979. My favorite song from that album is definitely "Rock With You" but I remember coming home and blasting that album and dancing around the house with both of my parents. It was always one I listened to on a Friday afternoon after school because the title track is definitely one of those "whoo-hoo its the weekend kind of songs." A lot of people don't know that my first CD ever was Michael Jackson but I always thought it was so cool. It was also super cool that the Jackson 5 was on the soundtrack to my favorite movie "Now and Then." I would warble along to "I'll Be There" at the top of my lungs.

There have been a lot of times in my life that I can recall one of his songs being a big part of it.
I can remember being a little kid and my mom dancing to "Smooth Criminal" in a dance recital. She even had a hat like Michael's. I thought she was just the coolest. I remember the video for "Black or White" and all the cool morphing faces. In the third grade when we had to learn to play the stupid song flute and I remember getting insanely excited when we got to learn and play the Free Willy song "Will You Be There". For a long time I could still play parts of it and would steal my little cousins' flute to play it. Then of course who could forget the final ballet scene in the movie "Centerstage?" "The Way You Make Me Feel" made me want to do ballet which is definitely my least favorite style of dance. That was always one of my favorite songs and I was so stoked to see it in a movie I liked so much.

Then at the 2001 MTV VMAs when Michael performed with *NSYNC...I thought I would die from excitement. Here I was sitting at home watching Michael Jackson perform with *NSYNC, a band who had always been so vocal in their love for him. In their Disney concert, they mixed "Rock With You" into their song "Crazy For You." Honestly that could have been the moment I fell in love with them. I felt so special sitting there watching them get to fulfill one of their dreams. It truly warmed my geeky little heart. I remember MTV premiering the video for "You Rock My World" and actually sitting there like "this guy is ridiculous!" I mean he was incredible. I actually forgot about watching that until just now.

Now, there are a few songs of his that are tinged with sadness for me. Not just because of his passing but because of the part his music played in a certain relationship I had. The song "Butterflies" reminds me of falling in love for the first time. I used to listen to it and curl up in my bed thinking about the guy I was madly in love with and wondering if he'd be listening to the song too (he was a huge MJ fan). It did happen once where we were both listening to the song and I was definitely thanking Michael for writing it because it described how I was feeling. For a long time when he called me my phone rang "The Way You Make Me Feel" (it was the only MJ ringtone T-Mobile had that was appropriate). Only a few weeks ago, my friends and I were screaming "Dirty Diana" at a party. I held hands with my oldest sister while we both sang every word to "P.Y.T." twice in a fine moment of sisterly solidarity that we've never shared before? IT was great because it was finally something we had in common.

When I think of just how much our lives have all been impacted by this man, this absolute visionary, whether we know it or not, it is an incredibly humbling experience. He's influenced every musical artist regardless of genre in the past thirty or so years. He brought together all kinds of music from having Eddie Van Halen play the guitar on "Beat It" to Slash being featured on "Black or White" . His albums defied what people thought pop music could ever be and definitely broke the expectations audiences had of a black artist. He made MTV a staple even though at first they wouldn't play his music videos. He brought together all kinds of people to record "We Are the World" as one of his many humanitarian efforts. He created the moonwalk and the robot, two dance moves people will try to imitate forever. So what if his best friend was a chimp? (and a damn cute one at that) Who cared if he was a little weird? I certainly didn't and trust me, I spent the better portion of my childhood completely frightened of the man. I had so many visions of the future, being rich and famous and having Michael over for lunch to ask him so many questions...like what was it like to work with a rat? And to sing a song about one? And why did he wear black shoes with white socks? And what was with the military jackets? Why only one glove? How did it become sparkly? Did someone bedazzle it? Why did you call it the moonwalk? I mean, I guess it sounded better than that thing where I slide across the floor. And why the hell did you say "ch-mon" Michael? These are questions I won't get to ask him and bring back an answer for. I just picture him up in Heaven, hanging out with Bubbles and walking across the moon. Thank you Michael, for everything.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Too Many Words Inside My Head

Well, I'm back...for now. I have horrible trouble keeping up with this bloody thing. Mainly because I'm always thinking about so many great topics and then either a) don't have the time to write a blog, b) don't have the motivation to write a blog or c) all of the above. It's more often than not c. I'm currently writing my first novel and that takes up a lot of my brain power. And sometimes I'm physically wide awake but my brain has puttered out on me many hours before. I need to stop thinking so well in the middle of the night.

Right now I just wanted to touch base and say that I'm not dead but my brain is a little and hopefully I'll be back soon to really kick start this blog with a vengeance. In the meanwhile, check me out on twitter: twitter.com/nycstylegal. I'm actually really witty and funny throughout the day. And you might see some potential blog topics on there. I'm saying it here and now...July 2009, And It Really Makes Me Wonder gets taken to the next level!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything I Thought I Knew

What do you when the one part of your life you believe in most turns out to be the biggest lie? I recently found out. The one person in my life who I though I could trust completely betrayed me more than anyone could. I gave him my entire heart and I found out that it all meant nothing.

The whole backstory is long and complicated but let's say it all started 3 years ago. That was when I emotionally gave myself away completely. This all comes down to the betrayal of my deepest feelings. I told someone I thought was a great guy that I loved him and when he said he felt the same way, life seemed perfect.

Fast forward 3 years. There were a lot of things that happened during that time; good and bad. I shared a lot of secrets and broke down a lot of my emotional walls. He was theone person who I could always tell the truth. It wasn't always easy and sometimes he had to force it out of me, but I always told him. It hasn't been terribly easy for me to talk about how I am feeling but I knew he wouldn't judge me. And after a long time of keeping it inside I finally let out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

First off, it is really hard to talk to someone who won't answer your phone calls. And then when I finally did get in touch with him (via text mesage), he talked to me with so much malice and contempt that I was shocked, angry and most of all hurt. How could someone that claimed to care about me talk to me like that? I was upset for the remainder of my evening and so in my cloud of negative feelings, I wrote him a letter. One that calmly and clearly articulated all of the things I was feeling at that moment and things I had been holding in for months and years. I didn't get overly emotional considering how angry I had been initally and managed to keep myself in check. But it was the first time I had been 100% completely honest with him about everything I had felt. It wasn't pretty but it was true. Sometimes it takes an inciting incident to force you to confront the truth. That's what happened for me. It was always bubbling just under the surface...like a boiling pot of water if you will. But as soon as it got too close to the top, I'd put a lid on the pot and say that I would deal with it later.

Let me just say that I've done a lot of growing up and changing in the 3 years that I had let this boy into my heart. It was easy, with us living in two different states it gave both of us the space needed to grow up. But no matter how much I grew up or changed, I never felt any differently about him. Those of you who know the situation know all of the details of this and I'd like to not put that on here because I don't want it to affect the way he's portrayed in this. So when I finally got fed up enough with his games to cut him out of my heart, I knew it was serious. And in the letter I addressed a lot of things that he had done in the past that weren't right. I mean, I had addressed them before but it was always in passing or not terribly seriously. This time I really gave my honest feelings about things. I don't think it was easy for him to read but I could have never anticipated his response...ever.

It was worse than a punch in the stomach. I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my body with a vacuum and that someone was holding a pillow over my face to keep me from ever breathing again. He told me his honest truth and it was way more honest than I expected it to be. Wait, actually I don't think it was more honest, but the honesty came from a place completely opposite of where I expected. I expected something more equal to what I had written. Honest and to the point but civil. That is not what it was. It was painful. He said he never cared about me. Not as a friend and certainly not as anything more. He was just a narcissistic jerk who made me believe that he cared about me to gain my trust and pray on my emotional weakness to get the ego boost he "needed". That is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially in the first couple of sentences. It only got worse from there. I'm not going into too much detail; its still kinda painful to think about. But it really hurts when someone who you cared for and trusted tells you to "get a life" more than once. That still hurts pretty badly.

I'm sure that he got a huge laugh out of the poor little emotionally shattered girl that he played for a fool for 3 years. And I know that I'm angry about that I don't think I'll ever stop being angry. People have tried to tell me that I will but I'm sorry, that's not something that you ever forget. It was the day my world came crashing down around me. And I'll admit that I was stupid for sticking around when he obviously treated me like garbage. I've come to grips with the reality of my fault in the whole affair. But no matter how stupid you are, no one deserves to hear that. Every sentence was like a new slap in the face. Reading it, I felt nauseous, angry, hurt, shocked...I pretty much ran the gamut on the emotional front. But it was a few weeks ago and I have stopped having the dreams where I see him in the street and attack him with the knife I was carrying in my purse just in case that opportunity presented itself. I'm not that angry anymore. But I'll never get my final goodbye. For him it was easy to just pretend that I never existed, because to him, I never really mattered. For me, it's going to take time. Every day I let go a little more.

So, to answer my own question...what do you do in that situation? You get up, take a deep breath and you keep living. It's not easy but I owe it to myself.

Friday, March 20, 2009

People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

So, who watched the President on Jay Leno tonight? Another job well done I'd say. I actually started writing this blog sooner but I became quite aggriavated by some comments I received about the above subject and had to have some tea to relax before I could re-collect my thoughts and write this post. And those upsetting comments are exactly what is propelling me to write this post.

The President said a lot of really interesting and articulate things tonight on Leno. I wish the video footage was uploaded already because I'd love to link and use direct quotes. But alas, I'm going off what I remember and discussions I was having with my parents, mainly my dad during the interview. In fact we were talking so much, we missed some of the funnier things being said. Now before I start, I'm telling you know that this is purely my analysis and opinions and I may get a little frustrated and passionate.

One thing that really struck me that the President talked about today was how what a lot of these banks and credit card and mortgage companies did and are doing is completely legal. CapitalOne can charge me ridiculous amounts of interest on my credit card if they want to. But the President put it this way, and it really stayed with me. "When your toaster blows up in your face, you're protected because appliances are supposed to be safe. But when your credit card blows up in your face, there's no one there to protect you." I'm currently going through some credit card issues and so that really hit home. And he's completely right. Sure, there may be ways to fix the problem, but what if you can't bail yourself out? This is how they trap you. And like he said, its not just about fixing everything at this point, we really do need to start re-writing the laws around here to protect the interests of the consumers.

What we as a country have to understand is that this isn't going to happen in a day. Its all a trickle down effect and it's going to take some time for it to get down to us. First of all, the man has only been in office for two months! Contrary to what some may want to believe, he's not Superman; he can't fix it all instantly. And to those who want to talk about how much further in debt he is putting us in, what do you expect? You have to bottom out before you go back up. After listening to what the President had to say tonight, I know that he knows that. He knows what he's doing people. And he does not have an easy road ahead of him. This current economic state isn't something that he can fix in a month. It's going to take a long time. And yes, my great grandchildren may still be paying for it but guess what people? HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON HIS OWN!! HE'S COME INTO OFFICE AND NOW HAS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES!!!

This is really what frustrates me the most. No one before Obama want to own up to the responsiblity of their wrong actions. He's only been President for fifty-nine days. What about the people who were in charge before him? I don't see them stepping up to the plate. And I'm not saying anything about taking the blame for what happened. Its not about blame anymore. It's about owning up to the wrongdoings that have been commited. My dad was telling me that Obama has asked for the help of those who came before him who were in similar positions because as we both reasoned they're the ones who put him in the situation he's currently in, so the least they can do is to help come up with ways to fix it. Right? I think it's only fair. And like my dad said, it's bad enough that Obama has all this stuff to deal with but he also has to deal with the Republicans throwing stones at him, hoping for failure.

My dad saying that is what prompted the title of this blog. People in glass houses should not throw stones. And I say that because who was in charge before Obama? Who were the people who put the country in the position its in now? It wasn't the Obama administration that's for sure. But no one wants to talk about that. They just want to sit and point fingers about what's happening now. To understand where we are now, we have to look at the past. And what's happening now isn't something that was done in fifty-nine days, a year or even eight years. This is twenty plus years of destruction that is finally come to a head. And I'm not pointing fingers at Republicans, my parents used to be Republicans. But they do all of this damage and then don't want to accept the responsibilty for their actions. May I point out that the last President to leave the nation in such a damaging deficit was Ronald Regan in the 80s? He was a Republican. Destruction yet again. So don't sit there and throw stones, because if we threw them back, it would be more devestating for you.

And now bringing it back to my inital aggrivation. I really hate it when people talk about things that sure they may have a clue of but it's completely one sided. If you only watch right wing news, you're only going to have their side of the story. Look at both sides of the arguement before you pick a side. Because though you may think you know what you're talking about, you may not be getting all of the information. And then you're coming at me with a one sided arguement. I don't take kindly to one sided arguments and attacks. Also, don't talk to me like I don't know what's going on. My father is a JOURNALIST. This is what he does for a living; gathering information and then reporting on it. We talk a lot about what's going on, we always have. And I do my own research as well. So when you want to go on the defensive, you better know what you're coming up against.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Who Am I?

Hello again kind readers! Its been awhile since I last wrote. Well a lot has gone on and I'll write another post about that soon but really I have a specific thought process today.

Kay so I was listening to one of my favorite new-ish albums, Taylor Swift's 'Fearless'. I love love love Taylor and I was super excited that I finally got the cd because I've wanted it forever. One of the songs has really just got me thinking lately and so I figured why not come think out loud on the blog? So the song is called 'Fifteen'. If anyone watched the Grammy's Taylor sang it with Miley Cyrus. That's when I fell in love with the song because the lyrics really made me think back to what my life was like back then. I've recently spent a lot of time reminicising with one of my best friends from high school about the good ole' days. For me, the age of fifteen was the end of freshman year and the beginning of sophomore year. Fifteen was an interesting age.

At the end of freshman year I had a HUGE crush on a boy who was a senior. He was like the BMOC type and everyone loved him. We were friends and we still are friends and like way after the fact, he told me that he had a crush on me back then but it wouldn't have worked out. He was getting ready for college and I was a big dork with a penchant for platform shoes despite being like 5'9". But I thought I was really cool. I had a great group of friends and nobody was teasing me in the malicious way they had when I was younger.

Back to the song. I feel like a lot of the stuff Taylor talks about in the song are still totally relevant to me at the age I am now. Even more so now I think and that's what she's saying in the song I guess. But listening to it made me think so much. Here comes the lyrics! Not the whole song, but the lines I find relevant with my analysis.

"Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them." <--- the beginning to the chorus. This is true at that age of course. I wouldn't really know because there weren't any boys telling me that at fifteen...hell there aren't any boys telling me that now. And while that lyric is true of being a teen, isn't that true of love at any age? I mean I feel like it's more true of love in your 20s, 30s, whatever. Because who really knows what love is at fifteen? But when you're older and you think you've figured it out, aren't you more prone to believe someone when they tell you they love you? Because you know what love is? And also aren't you usually willing to believe someone loves you because you want them to love you?

"And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out..." Well hell, I thought I knew everything when I was a teenager. It wasn't until I turned like 21 that I realized I knew absolutely NOTHING. This is truth friends. When you're a teenager you're so sure of everything and no one can tell you anything different. I mean I thought I had the world all figured out. Of course it wasn't until I actually got out into the world that I realized nothing was as I thought it was.

"When all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now" heck yeah! I mean, I still want a guy to want to be with me but if I could go back and tell myself then that there are a million more important things than getting a boy to like you, I probably would. Even though I kind of liked how I was so innocent that the biggest problem of my life was getting a guy to like me. It was kind of nice to live my life where that was the biggest problem.

And the final one is: "I've found that time can heal most anything and you just might find who you're supposed to be. I didn't know who I was supposed to be...at fifteen" this is pretty close to the end. And I think it is probably the part of the song that speaks to me most. It took me a long time to get over things that happened in high school. Most recently and most importantly, a very good friendship. My best friend in high school and I had a HUGE fight that looking back was so silly and we didn't speak for four years. Now it's like nothing ever happened but I wished she would have been there for some of the big things that happened to me during college. I don't think I know who I'm supposed to be just yet but I think I'm working on it. I know more about myself now at 22 than I knew about myself back then, that's for sure. But I think you have to have some life experience to figure out who you are that I just didn't have at fifteen. I was sheltered and taken care of and there were a lot of things that I didn't have to worry about that I do now.

And so now you know how I feel about that.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Where is Your Heart?

Hello world and thank you Kelly Clarkson for providing me with an easy title. So, here's the new blog! My first request too!! Even though I'm sure this is something I would have written about sooner or later...love. Oh yes, I'm going there. Its time kiddos. It's a new year and time for a new perspective on life yes? Kay, well here goes.

My good friend asked me to write a blog about "love, heartache and pain." Hello! Three words I'm very familiar with. So I put on the Kelly Clarkson (who is also very familiar with these three words) and I'm getting to work.

Now, I'm my very humbled and honest opinion, you can't have good true love without heartache and pain first. I mean, how will you be able to appreciate the good stuff without the bad stuff right? I know this much from experience. Hell, who doesn't? Half of the conversations I have with my girlfriends is about men. The men we love, the men we used to love, the ones we could have loved, the ones we spurned, the ones who spurned us...you get the picture. As singer Willa Ford so brilliantly said "Fuck the men, let's drink to us!" It is so amazing that so much of our lives as women can be marked by the men that were apart of it. 'Sex and the City' is one of my favorite shows and Carrie Bradshaw's life on the show is really marked by her three big relationships: Big, Aiden and the Russian. You know what? I think I'm going to ease into this thrilling look at love by talking about my favorite show.

'Sex and the City' is practically a woman's guide. A handbook for life and love in New York City some may say. I mean, I definitely know a lot of girls who look at their lives through the lens of Carrie and Co. Hell, I do it all the time! First, Carrie has Mr. Big. Big never really goes away though does he? I know the feeling Carrie. The Mr. Big type is the guy who keeps ripping your heart out, pounding it flat with a meat cleaver and handing it back to you. And while you know that he's toxic and no good for you; you also know that he's your destiny so you keep going back for another pounding. Mr. Big serves Carrie her heart on a tray more times than we can keep track of. Calling her his "friend" in front of his mother, not being able to ever tell her she's "The One", marrying the idiot stick figure with no soul (the much younger Natasha), the affair, showing up just as Carrie thinks her life is finally going the way she wants it to (pre-Paris), coming to her rescue, leaving her at the altar (if you haven't seen the movie by now, what the hell are you waiting for?!) and then finally he manages to sit right and fly straight. Should Carrie have stuck around for all of that? No. But she did because Mr. Big was her destiny. But it proves that you have to deal with the bad to get to the good.

I have plenty of girlfriends who have man problems. I mean, what woman doesn't right? But sitting around and talking about it (usually over food or coffee or both) is the only way we can deal with and work through our issues. Now I've heard some seriously cringe worthy stories from my girls. The crazy stalker who called 6 times a day and showed up at my friend's house only to get chased away by her family; the alcoholic drug addict who caused a scene at my friend's place of work, the straight boy who acts gayer than any gay we've ever met (seriously), or better yet, the guy you think is the love of your life who turns out to be gay, the mixed message sender, the commitment phobe, and a sordid amount of other tales that would be pages and pages to tell. My personal favorite is the guy who tells you he loves you but you can't be together so he dates some wholly inappropriate girl (one with some nasal issues) or someone who has something in common with you (like your knack with the sarcastic comments, your wit when armed with a pen or your love for the stage) in a backward, lame attempt to get over you and/or make you ridiculously jealous. This last issue I can speak of from personal experience.

Now the reason I think my friend asked me to write about this subject is because she is dealing with separation anxiety. She is forced to be away from her boyfriend who she cares about more than she'll let on for longer than she'd like and it's killing her. Hence the pain and heartache part of love. It sucks to be apart from the person you love, no matter what the circumstances are for your separation. When you're forced to be away from your love, you don't really feel completely whole. It always feels like something is gnawing away at your insides and you just can't get it to stop. There is a constant dull pain deep down inside of you that no amount of social interaction, chocolate or booze will ever dull. It is truly one of the most unbearable feelings in the world. And yet when you can't change it, you are forced to deal with it. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place; there is no happy alternative. It's really just a matter of how long you can stick it out whether it be six months or three years. Again, this I know for personal experience.

The thing is when you begin to picture your life without that person and you can't. I had a friend who said that she knows the man who is her soulmate because there have been times when she's literally wanted to kill him but then in the next moment couldn't imagine her life without him. I had to say that I totally agreed with this statement. Or in a less extreme situation, when you can just imagine being with someone for a long time. Maybe not forever, but for the forseeable future. What do you do when that person is suddenly not there anymore? If it's time, or distance or circumstance that keeps that person away, their absence throws you into a tailspin of how to suddenly deal with your life and where they fit into it. You know that no matter what the circumstance, you aren't giving them up without a fight. Its hard because there will be mornings where you will wake up and ask yourself: "what the hell are you thinking by sticking around?" but others where you can't imagine being any other place, no matter how much it's killing you.

Please let me tell you, it will kill you. That pang you feel in your heart every time you think about him, that incurable dull ache, the dreams that haunt you at night, the moments where you can't stop smiling...its all going to get to you after awhile. The only thing I can say from experience is that it will get easier. You'll learn how to handle the good feelings and the bad. Or if you can't be with him, you'll learn how to get over being without him. You'll still love him of course but you'll be able to keep the thoughts from haunting you and making you want to rip all of the hair out of your head. You'll be able to look at him clearly an objectively again and tell him when he's done something that makes you happy or unhappy. It all comes with time.

And if it doesn't work out and you are forced to sit and put back together the pieces of your broken heart, you can do what another friend used to do. Picture all of your exes singing *NSYNC's "I Want You Back" to you. It will definitely induce a good chuckle.

But I leave you with these last thoughts. Remember, what's meant to be will be and if it wasn't, its because there's something better out there. Love takes time but you can't have great love without great heartbreak, heartache and pain.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Hi nobody! I really need to work on promoting this guy more.

So, yesterday January 20th, 2009 was a day that changed history. Barack H. Obama became the 44th president of the United States. He is also the first african american president EVER. As an african american, I can honestly say that this isn't something I thought I'd see this early in my young life, if ever. I thought that there was still too much prejudice in this country for people to see past the color of this brillant man's skin to see that he would really be the best person for the job.

This whole election was definitely one that changed history. I mean, there was so much more at stake than there has been in the past. Not just the war or the economy but both. The person who was to take on the presidency had to be someone strong enough to handle all of that. And to fix the mistakes made by the administration before him. And now I know that some of my friends don't agree with my political views and this isn't going to be a post where that's all I speak about. But now that Barack has been sworn in and is officially official I pause a minute to think about how different things would have been if John McCain had been elected. I really don't think that things would have changed much if at all. The rich would still be rich and the poor would just get poorer. As a member of the poor I would really like to see things change in that capacity. It isn't fair that my parents have to be driven out of the city they've called their home for 50+ years because rents are getting expensive. It isn't fair that I will be paying off student loans until I'm 42 because of the killer interest rates. It shouldn't be that only 5% of the population controlls the wealth. And this is something I really believe that Obama will change. Of course it isn't going to happen in a day, a month, a year, maybe not even 4 years. But I know that he will set the wheels in motion for such a thing to happen.

Why do I know that? Because Barack and Michelle Obama are regular people. They're just like me and my family, except now they have a really swanky address and a lot of power. But they shop at Target and their kids go to public school and Michelle wears clothes from the Ann Taylor Loft and looks just as beautiful in them as she would in Dior. They didn't come from money so they understand what it means to have to fight and struggle just to keep your head above water. They know the uphill battle than me and a lot of my friends are now facing with paying back our student loans, forcing us to live with our parents or to do jobs that we may not want just to be able to pay the bills but be no closer to moving out of their houses no matter how much we want to. They understand what its like to be a student who struggles to find a job in this economy which is damn near impossible. And they care and want to make it better for us. Would McCain? I don't think so, I really don't. I mean he and his wife come from priviledge. I bet their kids didn't have to take out student loans and they have plenty of money to live comfortably.

They have no idea what it's like to have to make a decision like feeding your family or putting gas in your car. They don't know what its like to put off buying something that you need just so that everyone else in your household is taken care of. They don't know that kind of sacrifice which is why I don't think that they would have done what they needed to do to make it better. And as a woman, I would fear for my rights if McCain would have won. Why? Because we wouldn't have any anymore. Obama is going to keep the rights we have like Roe v. Wade and giving us new ones, like help for single mothers who have to take off work if their kid gets sick. He understands the plight of the working class family.

And as I sat on my couch wrapped in a blanket watching him take the oath of office and make his speech, I was proud. Proud because we now have a man in office who will do everything he can to make life better for everyone. A man who doesn't let anyone off the hook for the situations we now find ourselves in as a country. A man who has pride, not just because of who we are and what we've done but because of what we can do and what he will lead us to do in the future. You may not agree with me, but where has that pride been for the last 8 years? Where has any of that responsibility been the last 8 years? Where has that humility been the last 8 years? Surely not in the United States of America. In the past 8 years I've seen arrogance and gluttony, not physical gluttony but monetary gluttony. An abuse of power and people who didn't care about the thousands of innocent lives that were lost under their command. And I don't care what anyone says, that isn't a country to be proud of. How can you be proud of a country that has not only failed its own citizens but has caused devastation all around the world? You can't. At least I can't.

Now I am proud to be an American. I know that the Obama administration will work tirelessly to restore the world's faith in America and its citizens. I know that I sat and watched an eloquent, well spoken and sharply dressed man make a promise. A promise to not only his country and the world but to himself to make this world a better place for future generations. As Sam Cooke said in his famous civil rights anthem 'It's been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna come.' Yes it is Sam. And yes we can America. Land of the free and home of the brave.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Making it on Broadway!

So, there was a contest being run before the holidays through Broadway Space.com with the program Making it On Broadway. Basically if you friended Making it on Broadway, you would be entered to win a free master class during one of their winter intensive programs. Well, I was the lucky winner, and believe me when I say I was lucky. At first I thought that I would only be able to attend one class but once I got to the first class, Jodie Langel, the co-founder and teacher at Making it on Broadway, informed me that I would be able to sit in on all of the master classes for the week.

I attended two of the master classes during this week's intensive one with Roger Bart (who had only finished performing in Young Frankenstein two days before) and one with Andrea Burns, one of the current stars of In The Heights. They were two of the best classes I have ever had the privilege of attending. I absolutely loved observing their two different approaches to working with the actors in the class. Both were very hands-on with the students and answered every question as truthfully as they possibly could. When I asked Roger Bart how he finds the balance between taking a job because it's a paycheck or doing something because of his feelings toward it as an artist, he told us to find the artistry in every role. But if you've been in the chorus making a steady paycheck and you're ready for something more, know when its okay to say "No." And Andrea Burns was also honest about what being an actor feels like. Of recently performing on the Tony's, she was very frank. She knew that the opportunity may never come again so she relished every minute of it, especially when she knew others who got their turn before her.

As for watching them actually work with students they both had very different approaches but both very helpful. Roger Bart was mainly going on his first impressions of a lot of the pieces because he admitted that he's not super savvy on a lot of musical theatre. And his gut reactions were still very honest and very wonderful. You can tell that what he said was appreciated and the kids were not just taking it at face value. I mean, obviously the man knows what he's talking about; he has a Tony. And he's absolutely wonderful as an actor and as a person. I kinda want to be his best friend. Andrea Burns wasn't starkly different but different enough. She asked a lot more questions about the motivation behind the choices that each student made. Watching her work with the students made me feel like I was in college again and that was kind of enjoyable for the moment.

I didn't get the chance to thank Roger because he had his knee drained earlier that afternoon and was in a lot of pain so they kind of rushed him out but I got to thank Andrea and tell her what a treat it was to see her work. Only last night I was singing along with her on my computer and then poof! there she was in front of me! It was kind of epic. I've never gotten to have that kind of experience with a Broadway actor before. Well except for when I met Laura Benanti, but I didn't get to watch her work; I just got to take a picture with her and have her tell me that I was beautiful.

But both classes were absolutely awesome. The intensive is a bit pricey, but from the little sneak peek I got, definitely worth the money you'd be spending! I'm definitely going to save my pennies and sign up for the next one! For more information and to see a list of past professionals that have worked with the program, check out their website here I want to thank Broadway Space and Jodie from Making it on Broadway for giving me such a great opportunity.