Friday, May 8, 2009

Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything I Thought I Knew

What do you when the one part of your life you believe in most turns out to be the biggest lie? I recently found out. The one person in my life who I though I could trust completely betrayed me more than anyone could. I gave him my entire heart and I found out that it all meant nothing.

The whole backstory is long and complicated but let's say it all started 3 years ago. That was when I emotionally gave myself away completely. This all comes down to the betrayal of my deepest feelings. I told someone I thought was a great guy that I loved him and when he said he felt the same way, life seemed perfect.

Fast forward 3 years. There were a lot of things that happened during that time; good and bad. I shared a lot of secrets and broke down a lot of my emotional walls. He was theone person who I could always tell the truth. It wasn't always easy and sometimes he had to force it out of me, but I always told him. It hasn't been terribly easy for me to talk about how I am feeling but I knew he wouldn't judge me. And after a long time of keeping it inside I finally let out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

First off, it is really hard to talk to someone who won't answer your phone calls. And then when I finally did get in touch with him (via text mesage), he talked to me with so much malice and contempt that I was shocked, angry and most of all hurt. How could someone that claimed to care about me talk to me like that? I was upset for the remainder of my evening and so in my cloud of negative feelings, I wrote him a letter. One that calmly and clearly articulated all of the things I was feeling at that moment and things I had been holding in for months and years. I didn't get overly emotional considering how angry I had been initally and managed to keep myself in check. But it was the first time I had been 100% completely honest with him about everything I had felt. It wasn't pretty but it was true. Sometimes it takes an inciting incident to force you to confront the truth. That's what happened for me. It was always bubbling just under the a boiling pot of water if you will. But as soon as it got too close to the top, I'd put a lid on the pot and say that I would deal with it later.

Let me just say that I've done a lot of growing up and changing in the 3 years that I had let this boy into my heart. It was easy, with us living in two different states it gave both of us the space needed to grow up. But no matter how much I grew up or changed, I never felt any differently about him. Those of you who know the situation know all of the details of this and I'd like to not put that on here because I don't want it to affect the way he's portrayed in this. So when I finally got fed up enough with his games to cut him out of my heart, I knew it was serious. And in the letter I addressed a lot of things that he had done in the past that weren't right. I mean, I had addressed them before but it was always in passing or not terribly seriously. This time I really gave my honest feelings about things. I don't think it was easy for him to read but I could have never anticipated his response...ever.

It was worse than a punch in the stomach. I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my body with a vacuum and that someone was holding a pillow over my face to keep me from ever breathing again. He told me his honest truth and it was way more honest than I expected it to be. Wait, actually I don't think it was more honest, but the honesty came from a place completely opposite of where I expected. I expected something more equal to what I had written. Honest and to the point but civil. That is not what it was. It was painful. He said he never cared about me. Not as a friend and certainly not as anything more. He was just a narcissistic jerk who made me believe that he cared about me to gain my trust and pray on my emotional weakness to get the ego boost he "needed". That is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially in the first couple of sentences. It only got worse from there. I'm not going into too much detail; its still kinda painful to think about. But it really hurts when someone who you cared for and trusted tells you to "get a life" more than once. That still hurts pretty badly.

I'm sure that he got a huge laugh out of the poor little emotionally shattered girl that he played for a fool for 3 years. And I know that I'm angry about that I don't think I'll ever stop being angry. People have tried to tell me that I will but I'm sorry, that's not something that you ever forget. It was the day my world came crashing down around me. And I'll admit that I was stupid for sticking around when he obviously treated me like garbage. I've come to grips with the reality of my fault in the whole affair. But no matter how stupid you are, no one deserves to hear that. Every sentence was like a new slap in the face. Reading it, I felt nauseous, angry, hurt, shocked...I pretty much ran the gamut on the emotional front. But it was a few weeks ago and I have stopped having the dreams where I see him in the street and attack him with the knife I was carrying in my purse just in case that opportunity presented itself. I'm not that angry anymore. But I'll never get my final goodbye. For him it was easy to just pretend that I never existed, because to him, I never really mattered. For me, it's going to take time. Every day I let go a little more.

So, to answer my own question...what do you do in that situation? You get up, take a deep breath and you keep living. It's not easy but I owe it to myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

After Great Pain a Formal Feeling Comes
By Emily Dickinson

After great pain a formal feeling comes--
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?
And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.