Monday, June 21, 2010

Decision Time

Today, I am writing a post that coincides with the post I wrote after I turned 24. I've realized that I'm going to use this summer as the summer of change. If I'm going to achieve what I want from life, I better figure it out right? I've been using much of the past few weeks to do just that. Well, I think I've subconsciously been doing it for awhile but now I'm finally ready to put it all down in words.

First off, I've decided to put acting on hold indefinitely. I'm not giving up on it, but I realize that it isn't my passion anymore. I suspect it hasn't been for a long time but I was afraid to say it because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. But I realize that the more I lived under the guise of wanting to be an actor I was only disappointing myself. I will never turn my back on performing but I cannot make it my life's focus anymore. I don't think I ever really have but I think I wanted to. I am currently working with friends on a project so that I can release the creative energy I still hold for performing that I was unable to find while trying to pursue it professionally. I think it will be quite good once I get it off the ground and I'm quite excited.

Secondly, related to the first, I've decided that I want to fully devote myself to my writing. Yup, I want to be a writer. Well, I want to be a published writer. Once you have written something, you are a writer. But I now realize that writing is and probably always has been my passion. I need to go for it and focus all of my attention on finishing my first full length novel. In addition I've also decided that I'd like a career in magazine writing and will spend the summer to try and make that happen. This way, I can write about the things that really excite me: clothes, makeup and celebrities. I just have to figure out how to go about this. I am determined to do it though.

Thirdly, I hate my job and need to find a new one until I can get the job I'd ideally like to have. In the past few weeks I have gotten increasingly frustrated in my place of work, mainly do to really ridiculous things I can't really talk about because if I even utter the company's name (like y'all don't know who I work for) I could get fired. Its totally b.s. but shit happens right. I've been telling myself that I want to stick it out there until September so that I can put on my resume that I worked at one place for at least a year but as the days pass I find that harder and harder to do. I don't think I've been this unhappy at a job before. Well, maybe when I was a waitress but that was more because of money than because of where I worked. Every time I walk into the doors of my job I become immensely agitated. I can't wait until it's time for me to go home. I don't feel like it's healthy, especially because of the forced enthusiasm I'm supposed to have while working. Lately I'm finding it increasingly hard to fake. But I will not quit this job until I have another one. This I've learned. Hopefully things will begin to work themselves out so I don't have to fake faking happiness much longer.

Well, those are really the biggest life adjustments I've been making lately. I feel that by writing them I'm actually going to start moving toward it. Because in my mind, nothing is actually real until its been properly documented for all to see. Plus then, people can hold me to it.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I'm Such A Sap, You Could Use Me to Make Syrup

I have a confession to make: I am in love. I am head over heels, truly, madly, deeply in love with my boyfriend and it's kinda crazy. I have NEVER EVER felt this way before in my whole entire 24 years of breathing. I have thought I've been in love before but it wasn't real. This is real. You know in cartoons when Bugs Bunny sees a lady bunny he likes and the hearts pop out of his eye sockets? That's me every time I see my boyfriend. I didn't think I was capable of having such feelings for another person but I can't imagine the foreseeable future without him. Being around him is one big sparkly ray of happiness. When we're together I can't wipe that stupid grin off my face no matter how hard I try. There aren't enough minutes in the day for us to be together. I fully entrust him with my heart, even though its quite fragile. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, unlike all of the guys in my past. I know that with this one I've struck gold. I don't think I ever want to give him up. We're a match made in demented heaven.