Hello world and thank you Kelly Clarkson for providing me with an easy title. So, here's the new blog! My first request too!! Even though I'm sure this is something I would have written about sooner or later...love. Oh yes, I'm going there. Its time kiddos. It's a new year and time for a new perspective on life yes? Kay, well here goes.
My good friend asked me to write a blog about "love, heartache and pain." Hello! Three words I'm very familiar with. So I put on the Kelly Clarkson (who is also very familiar with these three words) and I'm getting to work.
Now, I'm my very humbled and honest opinion, you can't have good true love without heartache and pain first. I mean, how will you be able to appreciate the good stuff without the bad stuff right? I know this much from experience. Hell, who doesn't? Half of the conversations I have with my girlfriends is about men. The men we love, the men we used to love, the ones we could have loved, the ones we spurned, the ones who spurned us...you get the picture. As singer Willa Ford so brilliantly said "Fuck the men, let's drink to us!" It is so amazing that so much of our lives as women can be marked by the men that were apart of it. 'Sex and the City' is one of my favorite shows and Carrie Bradshaw's life on the show is really marked by her three big relationships: Big, Aiden and the Russian. You know what? I think I'm going to ease into this thrilling look at love by talking about my favorite show.
'Sex and the City' is practically a woman's guide. A handbook for life and love in New York City some may say. I mean, I definitely know a lot of girls who look at their lives through the lens of Carrie and Co. Hell, I do it all the time! First, Carrie has Mr. Big. Big never really goes away though does he? I know the feeling Carrie. The Mr. Big type is the guy who keeps ripping your heart out, pounding it flat with a meat cleaver and handing it back to you. And while you know that he's toxic and no good for you; you also know that he's your destiny so you keep going back for another pounding. Mr. Big serves Carrie her heart on a tray more times than we can keep track of. Calling her his "friend" in front of his mother, not being able to ever tell her she's "The One", marrying the idiot stick figure with no soul (the much younger Natasha), the affair, showing up just as Carrie thinks her life is finally going the way she wants it to (pre-Paris), coming to her rescue, leaving her at the altar (if you haven't seen the movie by now, what the hell are you waiting for?!) and then finally he manages to sit right and fly straight. Should Carrie have stuck around for all of that? No. But she did because Mr. Big was her destiny. But it proves that you have to deal with the bad to get to the good.
I have plenty of girlfriends who have man problems. I mean, what woman doesn't right? But sitting around and talking about it (usually over food or coffee or both) is the only way we can deal with and work through our issues. Now I've heard some seriously cringe worthy stories from my girls. The crazy stalker who called 6 times a day and showed up at my friend's house only to get chased away by her family; the alcoholic drug addict who caused a scene at my friend's place of work, the straight boy who acts gayer than any gay we've ever met (seriously), or better yet, the guy you think is the love of your life who turns out to be gay, the mixed message sender, the commitment phobe, and a sordid amount of other tales that would be pages and pages to tell. My personal favorite is the guy who tells you he loves you but you can't be together so he dates some wholly inappropriate girl (one with some nasal issues) or someone who has something in common with you (like your knack with the sarcastic comments, your wit when armed with a pen or your love for the stage) in a backward, lame attempt to get over you and/or make you ridiculously jealous. This last issue I can speak of from personal experience.
Now the reason I think my friend asked me to write about this subject is because she is dealing with separation anxiety. She is forced to be away from her boyfriend who she cares about more than she'll let on for longer than she'd like and it's killing her. Hence the pain and heartache part of love. It sucks to be apart from the person you love, no matter what the circumstances are for your separation. When you're forced to be away from your love, you don't really feel completely whole. It always feels like something is gnawing away at your insides and you just can't get it to stop. There is a constant dull pain deep down inside of you that no amount of social interaction, chocolate or booze will ever dull. It is truly one of the most unbearable feelings in the world. And yet when you can't change it, you are forced to deal with it. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place; there is no happy alternative. It's really just a matter of how long you can stick it out whether it be six months or three years. Again, this I know for personal experience.
The thing is when you begin to picture your life without that person and you can't. I had a friend who said that she knows the man who is her soulmate because there have been times when she's literally wanted to kill him but then in the next moment couldn't imagine her life without him. I had to say that I totally agreed with this statement. Or in a less extreme situation, when you can just imagine being with someone for a long time. Maybe not forever, but for the forseeable future. What do you do when that person is suddenly not there anymore? If it's time, or distance or circumstance that keeps that person away, their absence throws you into a tailspin of how to suddenly deal with your life and where they fit into it. You know that no matter what the circumstance, you aren't giving them up without a fight. Its hard because there will be mornings where you will wake up and ask yourself: "what the hell are you thinking by sticking around?" but others where you can't imagine being any other place, no matter how much it's killing you.
Please let me tell you, it will kill you. That pang you feel in your heart every time you think about him, that incurable dull ache, the dreams that haunt you at night, the moments where you can't stop smiling...its all going to get to you after awhile. The only thing I can say from experience is that it will get easier. You'll learn how to handle the good feelings and the bad. Or if you can't be with him, you'll learn how to get over being without him. You'll still love him of course but you'll be able to keep the thoughts from haunting you and making you want to rip all of the hair out of your head. You'll be able to look at him clearly an objectively again and tell him when he's done something that makes you happy or unhappy. It all comes with time.
And if it doesn't work out and you are forced to sit and put back together the pieces of your broken heart, you can do what another friend used to do. Picture all of your exes singing *NSYNC's "I Want You Back" to you. It will definitely induce a good chuckle.
But I leave you with these last thoughts. Remember, what's meant to be will be and if it wasn't, its because there's something better out there. Love takes time but you can't have great love without great heartbreak, heartache and pain.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
History
Hi nobody! I really need to work on promoting this guy more.
So, yesterday January 20th, 2009 was a day that changed history. Barack H. Obama became the 44th president of the United States. He is also the first african american president EVER. As an african american, I can honestly say that this isn't something I thought I'd see this early in my young life, if ever. I thought that there was still too much prejudice in this country for people to see past the color of this brillant man's skin to see that he would really be the best person for the job.
This whole election was definitely one that changed history. I mean, there was so much more at stake than there has been in the past. Not just the war or the economy but both. The person who was to take on the presidency had to be someone strong enough to handle all of that. And to fix the mistakes made by the administration before him. And now I know that some of my friends don't agree with my political views and this isn't going to be a post where that's all I speak about. But now that Barack has been sworn in and is officially official I pause a minute to think about how different things would have been if John McCain had been elected. I really don't think that things would have changed much if at all. The rich would still be rich and the poor would just get poorer. As a member of the poor I would really like to see things change in that capacity. It isn't fair that my parents have to be driven out of the city they've called their home for 50+ years because rents are getting expensive. It isn't fair that I will be paying off student loans until I'm 42 because of the killer interest rates. It shouldn't be that only 5% of the population controlls the wealth. And this is something I really believe that Obama will change. Of course it isn't going to happen in a day, a month, a year, maybe not even 4 years. But I know that he will set the wheels in motion for such a thing to happen.
Why do I know that? Because Barack and Michelle Obama are regular people. They're just like me and my family, except now they have a really swanky address and a lot of power. But they shop at Target and their kids go to public school and Michelle wears clothes from the Ann Taylor Loft and looks just as beautiful in them as she would in Dior. They didn't come from money so they understand what it means to have to fight and struggle just to keep your head above water. They know the uphill battle than me and a lot of my friends are now facing with paying back our student loans, forcing us to live with our parents or to do jobs that we may not want just to be able to pay the bills but be no closer to moving out of their houses no matter how much we want to. They understand what its like to be a student who struggles to find a job in this economy which is damn near impossible. And they care and want to make it better for us. Would McCain? I don't think so, I really don't. I mean he and his wife come from priviledge. I bet their kids didn't have to take out student loans and they have plenty of money to live comfortably.
They have no idea what it's like to have to make a decision like feeding your family or putting gas in your car. They don't know what its like to put off buying something that you need just so that everyone else in your household is taken care of. They don't know that kind of sacrifice which is why I don't think that they would have done what they needed to do to make it better. And as a woman, I would fear for my rights if McCain would have won. Why? Because we wouldn't have any anymore. Obama is going to keep the rights we have like Roe v. Wade and giving us new ones, like help for single mothers who have to take off work if their kid gets sick. He understands the plight of the working class family.
And as I sat on my couch wrapped in a blanket watching him take the oath of office and make his speech, I was proud. Proud because we now have a man in office who will do everything he can to make life better for everyone. A man who doesn't let anyone off the hook for the situations we now find ourselves in as a country. A man who has pride, not just because of who we are and what we've done but because of what we can do and what he will lead us to do in the future. You may not agree with me, but where has that pride been for the last 8 years? Where has any of that responsibility been the last 8 years? Where has that humility been the last 8 years? Surely not in the United States of America. In the past 8 years I've seen arrogance and gluttony, not physical gluttony but monetary gluttony. An abuse of power and people who didn't care about the thousands of innocent lives that were lost under their command. And I don't care what anyone says, that isn't a country to be proud of. How can you be proud of a country that has not only failed its own citizens but has caused devastation all around the world? You can't. At least I can't.
Now I am proud to be an American. I know that the Obama administration will work tirelessly to restore the world's faith in America and its citizens. I know that I sat and watched an eloquent, well spoken and sharply dressed man make a promise. A promise to not only his country and the world but to himself to make this world a better place for future generations. As Sam Cooke said in his famous civil rights anthem 'It's been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna come.' Yes it is Sam. And yes we can America. Land of the free and home of the brave.
So, yesterday January 20th, 2009 was a day that changed history. Barack H. Obama became the 44th president of the United States. He is also the first african american president EVER. As an african american, I can honestly say that this isn't something I thought I'd see this early in my young life, if ever. I thought that there was still too much prejudice in this country for people to see past the color of this brillant man's skin to see that he would really be the best person for the job.
This whole election was definitely one that changed history. I mean, there was so much more at stake than there has been in the past. Not just the war or the economy but both. The person who was to take on the presidency had to be someone strong enough to handle all of that. And to fix the mistakes made by the administration before him. And now I know that some of my friends don't agree with my political views and this isn't going to be a post where that's all I speak about. But now that Barack has been sworn in and is officially official I pause a minute to think about how different things would have been if John McCain had been elected. I really don't think that things would have changed much if at all. The rich would still be rich and the poor would just get poorer. As a member of the poor I would really like to see things change in that capacity. It isn't fair that my parents have to be driven out of the city they've called their home for 50+ years because rents are getting expensive. It isn't fair that I will be paying off student loans until I'm 42 because of the killer interest rates. It shouldn't be that only 5% of the population controlls the wealth. And this is something I really believe that Obama will change. Of course it isn't going to happen in a day, a month, a year, maybe not even 4 years. But I know that he will set the wheels in motion for such a thing to happen.
Why do I know that? Because Barack and Michelle Obama are regular people. They're just like me and my family, except now they have a really swanky address and a lot of power. But they shop at Target and their kids go to public school and Michelle wears clothes from the Ann Taylor Loft and looks just as beautiful in them as she would in Dior. They didn't come from money so they understand what it means to have to fight and struggle just to keep your head above water. They know the uphill battle than me and a lot of my friends are now facing with paying back our student loans, forcing us to live with our parents or to do jobs that we may not want just to be able to pay the bills but be no closer to moving out of their houses no matter how much we want to. They understand what its like to be a student who struggles to find a job in this economy which is damn near impossible. And they care and want to make it better for us. Would McCain? I don't think so, I really don't. I mean he and his wife come from priviledge. I bet their kids didn't have to take out student loans and they have plenty of money to live comfortably.
They have no idea what it's like to have to make a decision like feeding your family or putting gas in your car. They don't know what its like to put off buying something that you need just so that everyone else in your household is taken care of. They don't know that kind of sacrifice which is why I don't think that they would have done what they needed to do to make it better. And as a woman, I would fear for my rights if McCain would have won. Why? Because we wouldn't have any anymore. Obama is going to keep the rights we have like Roe v. Wade and giving us new ones, like help for single mothers who have to take off work if their kid gets sick. He understands the plight of the working class family.
And as I sat on my couch wrapped in a blanket watching him take the oath of office and make his speech, I was proud. Proud because we now have a man in office who will do everything he can to make life better for everyone. A man who doesn't let anyone off the hook for the situations we now find ourselves in as a country. A man who has pride, not just because of who we are and what we've done but because of what we can do and what he will lead us to do in the future. You may not agree with me, but where has that pride been for the last 8 years? Where has any of that responsibility been the last 8 years? Where has that humility been the last 8 years? Surely not in the United States of America. In the past 8 years I've seen arrogance and gluttony, not physical gluttony but monetary gluttony. An abuse of power and people who didn't care about the thousands of innocent lives that were lost under their command. And I don't care what anyone says, that isn't a country to be proud of. How can you be proud of a country that has not only failed its own citizens but has caused devastation all around the world? You can't. At least I can't.
Now I am proud to be an American. I know that the Obama administration will work tirelessly to restore the world's faith in America and its citizens. I know that I sat and watched an eloquent, well spoken and sharply dressed man make a promise. A promise to not only his country and the world but to himself to make this world a better place for future generations. As Sam Cooke said in his famous civil rights anthem 'It's been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna come.' Yes it is Sam. And yes we can America. Land of the free and home of the brave.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Making it on Broadway!
So, there was a contest being run before the holidays through Broadway Space.com with the program Making it On Broadway. Basically if you friended Making it on Broadway, you would be entered to win a free master class during one of their winter intensive programs. Well, I was the lucky winner, and believe me when I say I was lucky. At first I thought that I would only be able to attend one class but once I got to the first class, Jodie Langel, the co-founder and teacher at Making it on Broadway, informed me that I would be able to sit in on all of the master classes for the week.
I attended two of the master classes during this week's intensive one with Roger Bart (who had only finished performing in Young Frankenstein two days before) and one with Andrea Burns, one of the current stars of In The Heights. They were two of the best classes I have ever had the privilege of attending. I absolutely loved observing their two different approaches to working with the actors in the class. Both were very hands-on with the students and answered every question as truthfully as they possibly could. When I asked Roger Bart how he finds the balance between taking a job because it's a paycheck or doing something because of his feelings toward it as an artist, he told us to find the artistry in every role. But if you've been in the chorus making a steady paycheck and you're ready for something more, know when its okay to say "No." And Andrea Burns was also honest about what being an actor feels like. Of recently performing on the Tony's, she was very frank. She knew that the opportunity may never come again so she relished every minute of it, especially when she knew others who got their turn before her.
As for watching them actually work with students they both had very different approaches but both very helpful. Roger Bart was mainly going on his first impressions of a lot of the pieces because he admitted that he's not super savvy on a lot of musical theatre. And his gut reactions were still very honest and very wonderful. You can tell that what he said was appreciated and the kids were not just taking it at face value. I mean, obviously the man knows what he's talking about; he has a Tony. And he's absolutely wonderful as an actor and as a person. I kinda want to be his best friend. Andrea Burns wasn't starkly different but different enough. She asked a lot more questions about the motivation behind the choices that each student made. Watching her work with the students made me feel like I was in college again and that was kind of enjoyable for the moment.
I didn't get the chance to thank Roger because he had his knee drained earlier that afternoon and was in a lot of pain so they kind of rushed him out but I got to thank Andrea and tell her what a treat it was to see her work. Only last night I was singing along with her on my computer and then poof! there she was in front of me! It was kind of epic. I've never gotten to have that kind of experience with a Broadway actor before. Well except for when I met Laura Benanti, but I didn't get to watch her work; I just got to take a picture with her and have her tell me that I was beautiful.
But both classes were absolutely awesome. The intensive is a bit pricey, but from the little sneak peek I got, definitely worth the money you'd be spending! I'm definitely going to save my pennies and sign up for the next one! For more information and to see a list of past professionals that have worked with the program, check out their website here I want to thank Broadway Space and Jodie from Making it on Broadway for giving me such a great opportunity.
I attended two of the master classes during this week's intensive one with Roger Bart (who had only finished performing in Young Frankenstein two days before) and one with Andrea Burns, one of the current stars of In The Heights. They were two of the best classes I have ever had the privilege of attending. I absolutely loved observing their two different approaches to working with the actors in the class. Both were very hands-on with the students and answered every question as truthfully as they possibly could. When I asked Roger Bart how he finds the balance between taking a job because it's a paycheck or doing something because of his feelings toward it as an artist, he told us to find the artistry in every role. But if you've been in the chorus making a steady paycheck and you're ready for something more, know when its okay to say "No." And Andrea Burns was also honest about what being an actor feels like. Of recently performing on the Tony's, she was very frank. She knew that the opportunity may never come again so she relished every minute of it, especially when she knew others who got their turn before her.
As for watching them actually work with students they both had very different approaches but both very helpful. Roger Bart was mainly going on his first impressions of a lot of the pieces because he admitted that he's not super savvy on a lot of musical theatre. And his gut reactions were still very honest and very wonderful. You can tell that what he said was appreciated and the kids were not just taking it at face value. I mean, obviously the man knows what he's talking about; he has a Tony. And he's absolutely wonderful as an actor and as a person. I kinda want to be his best friend. Andrea Burns wasn't starkly different but different enough. She asked a lot more questions about the motivation behind the choices that each student made. Watching her work with the students made me feel like I was in college again and that was kind of enjoyable for the moment.
I didn't get the chance to thank Roger because he had his knee drained earlier that afternoon and was in a lot of pain so they kind of rushed him out but I got to thank Andrea and tell her what a treat it was to see her work. Only last night I was singing along with her on my computer and then poof! there she was in front of me! It was kind of epic. I've never gotten to have that kind of experience with a Broadway actor before. Well except for when I met Laura Benanti, but I didn't get to watch her work; I just got to take a picture with her and have her tell me that I was beautiful.
But both classes were absolutely awesome. The intensive is a bit pricey, but from the little sneak peek I got, definitely worth the money you'd be spending! I'm definitely going to save my pennies and sign up for the next one! For more information and to see a list of past professionals that have worked with the program, check out their website here I want to thank Broadway Space and Jodie from Making it on Broadway for giving me such a great opportunity.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Resurrection
Well hello there! I know, its been like a million gagillion months since I last wrote in this thing. That's not to say I haven't had plenty of things to talk about, it just means I'm a lazy bum who didn't necessarily want to write down her thoughts. But I'm back! *rejoicing begins*
So! Whatever shall we talk about? There have been a lot of things that have happened since my last post. The most obvious is that I graduated from college. It has been a very life altering experience to say the least. I'm officially an adult now and it has really taught me a lot about myself and how I have to deal with different life situations.
We all know that I got my degree in Theatre Studies with the intention of becoming an actor. This is still a very big reality and in the last few months I've really gotten myself in gear. I've gone on auditions (no parts but still experience) and I've been doing what I've needed to improve upon all that I've already learned. When I finally got serious about this whole thing a few months ago, one of the first things I found necessary to do was work on my singing. Sure, I'm a pretty decent singer; I've been told that I have a good voice but it hasn't been a priority for me in a long time. I called around to people I knew and one of my dad's friends has a daughter who is a singer. So I asked her for reccommendations to find a good vocal coach/teacher who could help me better my voice. She did and I was grateful because it wasn't terribly out of my price range ($80 an hour) and it was easily accessible.
At our first lesson (which I was incredibly late for due to trains and ferries just hating me) she taught me her methods for breathing and how to support your breath, etc. Most of it was not stuff I had ever heard anyone suggest to me before. But I went with it because well one of her students was nominated for a Grammy so I figured she knew something. Well, over the course of our lessons, I've mainly been preparing for upcoming auditions and so have specific styles and songs that I've wanted to work on. Now let me say something here; I don't believe in just learning enough of the song for an audition. But after we'd "warm up" and she'd push me to make my voice do things I didn't think I could do (nor did I want to sometimes) then I'd finally be able to get to the song I wanted to prepare.
Let me say, she has a very different approach working on a song than anyone else I've worked with. Sure, if I've never heard a song before I may download it so I can hear it and get a feel for it but I would never really use it to work on the song once I knew all the words. But that's how I would have to do it. After we'd warm up, I'd get out my iPod (never the sheet music) and I'd sing along with the song until she'd stop me and critique what I as doing wrong. Can I just tell you that it's one thing to sing along with Lisa Loeb (the last song we worked on) in my kitchen than it is to sing along with her to try and work on a song that I wanted to learn? It's practically impossible. And now I have her forcing me to do things with my voice and my words that didn't even sound like me singing. Um hello? You don't belt 'Stay', you sing it. It's a ballad and not Celine or Christina or Beyonce or something. This is the last song we worked on so the experience is still freshest in my mind. So now that she's ripped apart my interpretation of the song and the way I sing it, I find myself changing things to make her happy and not to really sing the song the way I felt I should. Oh and did I mention she doesn't play the piano? So When I'd go in for an audition, no one had ever played the song for me on piano.
And I only know 16 bars of all 5 songs that we worked on. She only worked with me on the 16 bars I needed for the audition. Okay granted, we only had an hour but time could have allotted differently to allow working on a whole song. So now I know 16 bars of 5 songs. But what if I don't want to sing the 16 bars of the songs that I know? Yeah, I'm totally winging it. Wonderful isn't it?
So anyways, when I scheduled a lesson for this past week (for a time completely annoying for me but more on that in a sec) I had to cancel last minute because of the snow. Staten Island was kind of a mess and it started snowing right before I would have had to leave for our lesson. The buses were slow and so were the ferries so I would have been late for our lesson anyway so I just canceled. I know her rule is that you cancel at most 24 hours before your lesson but um hi, couldn't anticipate the weather. When she called me back to confirm that she got my message, she was very angry and rude with me! I was like "look, I'm sorry and I know your rule but there's really nothing I can do." So she proceeds to try and schedule another lesson for this weekend or beginning of next week. Now its almost Christmas and if I could save myself the $80 I wouldn't be spending on the lesson to buy presents I hadn't even gotten around to yet it would be helpful. I asked if we could reschedule after Christmas because money is a bit tight right now. And she responded with "this is my job you know" and "you have the money right now yes?" and I'm like well I do but I could be putting that to other uses right now. (I don't really need this lesson because there are no auditions I'm going on anytime soon and I'm getting ready to move (another blog at another time) so I'm not even going to be here in a few weeks) She got very snippy with me and pretty much bullied me into a lesson on this coming Monday that I do not need/want.
I discussed the matter with my father who in turn told me to call her back and explain to her my financial situation (Friday was my last day of work because of the move) and that my parents couldn't ppay for it because they've been paying for about half of my lessons and just wouldn't have the money for Monday. I can't expect them to starve just to please this woman ya know? So since the money things wasn't going to be a strong enough argument, when I called her today (Saturday) I also added that I would have to cancel because my mom is going in for a test at the hospital Monday (I did not give my mom a fake illness, she is actually going to the hospital to have a test done just not for another few weeks) and then when she asked about rescheduling I told her I couldn't because I really didn't have the money. I also mentioned the move after she suggested a lesson on Wednesday which is Christmas Eve. When I reminded her of this, her response was "So?" Really? This comment prompted me to tell her of the impending move that I was going to tell her in person had I kept my appointment for my lesson.
I told her flat out that I couldn't afford an extra expense right now with the holidays and the move and she had the gall to say "I thought you were serious about this." To which I wanted to say "I am...seriously broke!" That $80 for a lesson I don't need would eat into almost half of my last paycheck! I was just really surprised that this was how she was choosing to conduct our conversation. I was trying to be as rational and honest as I could and she was just firing back accusations at me like everything I was saying was just an excuse. Finally I was just like "I'm really sorry but this is how it's gonna be. No more lessons, its over." Now I didn't want to burn that bridge because when I come back from said move, I would have continued lessons with her (well possibly. I was still debating it in favor or someone who would possibly work in a manner I was more used to) but her complete disregard for my personal struggles was just really disconcerting. I mean, seriously, did she really expect me to make myself even more broke just to keep a lesson with her when I'm sure she could find someone to fill my spot? That is not how you run a business. But I think I handled in a very adult manner. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't swear and I tried to stay as calm and levelheaded as I could.
So! Whatever shall we talk about? There have been a lot of things that have happened since my last post. The most obvious is that I graduated from college. It has been a very life altering experience to say the least. I'm officially an adult now and it has really taught me a lot about myself and how I have to deal with different life situations.
We all know that I got my degree in Theatre Studies with the intention of becoming an actor. This is still a very big reality and in the last few months I've really gotten myself in gear. I've gone on auditions (no parts but still experience) and I've been doing what I've needed to improve upon all that I've already learned. When I finally got serious about this whole thing a few months ago, one of the first things I found necessary to do was work on my singing. Sure, I'm a pretty decent singer; I've been told that I have a good voice but it hasn't been a priority for me in a long time. I called around to people I knew and one of my dad's friends has a daughter who is a singer. So I asked her for reccommendations to find a good vocal coach/teacher who could help me better my voice. She did and I was grateful because it wasn't terribly out of my price range ($80 an hour) and it was easily accessible.
At our first lesson (which I was incredibly late for due to trains and ferries just hating me) she taught me her methods for breathing and how to support your breath, etc. Most of it was not stuff I had ever heard anyone suggest to me before. But I went with it because well one of her students was nominated for a Grammy so I figured she knew something. Well, over the course of our lessons, I've mainly been preparing for upcoming auditions and so have specific styles and songs that I've wanted to work on. Now let me say something here; I don't believe in just learning enough of the song for an audition. But after we'd "warm up" and she'd push me to make my voice do things I didn't think I could do (nor did I want to sometimes) then I'd finally be able to get to the song I wanted to prepare.
Let me say, she has a very different approach working on a song than anyone else I've worked with. Sure, if I've never heard a song before I may download it so I can hear it and get a feel for it but I would never really use it to work on the song once I knew all the words. But that's how I would have to do it. After we'd warm up, I'd get out my iPod (never the sheet music) and I'd sing along with the song until she'd stop me and critique what I as doing wrong. Can I just tell you that it's one thing to sing along with Lisa Loeb (the last song we worked on) in my kitchen than it is to sing along with her to try and work on a song that I wanted to learn? It's practically impossible. And now I have her forcing me to do things with my voice and my words that didn't even sound like me singing. Um hello? You don't belt 'Stay', you sing it. It's a ballad and not Celine or Christina or Beyonce or something. This is the last song we worked on so the experience is still freshest in my mind. So now that she's ripped apart my interpretation of the song and the way I sing it, I find myself changing things to make her happy and not to really sing the song the way I felt I should. Oh and did I mention she doesn't play the piano? So When I'd go in for an audition, no one had ever played the song for me on piano.
And I only know 16 bars of all 5 songs that we worked on. She only worked with me on the 16 bars I needed for the audition. Okay granted, we only had an hour but time could have allotted differently to allow working on a whole song. So now I know 16 bars of 5 songs. But what if I don't want to sing the 16 bars of the songs that I know? Yeah, I'm totally winging it. Wonderful isn't it?
So anyways, when I scheduled a lesson for this past week (for a time completely annoying for me but more on that in a sec) I had to cancel last minute because of the snow. Staten Island was kind of a mess and it started snowing right before I would have had to leave for our lesson. The buses were slow and so were the ferries so I would have been late for our lesson anyway so I just canceled. I know her rule is that you cancel at most 24 hours before your lesson but um hi, couldn't anticipate the weather. When she called me back to confirm that she got my message, she was very angry and rude with me! I was like "look, I'm sorry and I know your rule but there's really nothing I can do." So she proceeds to try and schedule another lesson for this weekend or beginning of next week. Now its almost Christmas and if I could save myself the $80 I wouldn't be spending on the lesson to buy presents I hadn't even gotten around to yet it would be helpful. I asked if we could reschedule after Christmas because money is a bit tight right now. And she responded with "this is my job you know" and "you have the money right now yes?" and I'm like well I do but I could be putting that to other uses right now. (I don't really need this lesson because there are no auditions I'm going on anytime soon and I'm getting ready to move (another blog at another time) so I'm not even going to be here in a few weeks) She got very snippy with me and pretty much bullied me into a lesson on this coming Monday that I do not need/want.
I discussed the matter with my father who in turn told me to call her back and explain to her my financial situation (Friday was my last day of work because of the move) and that my parents couldn't ppay for it because they've been paying for about half of my lessons and just wouldn't have the money for Monday. I can't expect them to starve just to please this woman ya know? So since the money things wasn't going to be a strong enough argument, when I called her today (Saturday) I also added that I would have to cancel because my mom is going in for a test at the hospital Monday (I did not give my mom a fake illness, she is actually going to the hospital to have a test done just not for another few weeks) and then when she asked about rescheduling I told her I couldn't because I really didn't have the money. I also mentioned the move after she suggested a lesson on Wednesday which is Christmas Eve. When I reminded her of this, her response was "So?" Really? This comment prompted me to tell her of the impending move that I was going to tell her in person had I kept my appointment for my lesson.
I told her flat out that I couldn't afford an extra expense right now with the holidays and the move and she had the gall to say "I thought you were serious about this." To which I wanted to say "I am...seriously broke!" That $80 for a lesson I don't need would eat into almost half of my last paycheck! I was just really surprised that this was how she was choosing to conduct our conversation. I was trying to be as rational and honest as I could and she was just firing back accusations at me like everything I was saying was just an excuse. Finally I was just like "I'm really sorry but this is how it's gonna be. No more lessons, its over." Now I didn't want to burn that bridge because when I come back from said move, I would have continued lessons with her (well possibly. I was still debating it in favor or someone who would possibly work in a manner I was more used to) but her complete disregard for my personal struggles was just really disconcerting. I mean, seriously, did she really expect me to make myself even more broke just to keep a lesson with her when I'm sure she could find someone to fill my spot? That is not how you run a business. But I think I handled in a very adult manner. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't swear and I tried to stay as calm and levelheaded as I could.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Good Touch, Bad Touch
So, it's Senior Week. Basically, it's a time for all of us graduating/graduated people to get together and be together one last time before we're all really really adults. I should be out with my friends right now, but sadly, my fundage is dwindling fast and I need $$ for girl time tomorrow. So far, Senior Week has been fantastic. I've been able to spend time with friends new and old (yes, I would be the one who would manage to make friends the week before graduation) and have a wonderful time celebrating everything I have accomplished over four years.
The most interesting thing about this whole experience is seeing people that I haven't seen over time for various reasons. Or rather, seeing people I haven't wanted to see over the years for various reasons. The people I didn't want to see are what I call "Bad Life Decisions".
Bad Life Decisions = boys I hooked up with (I don't regret them though. I don't believe in regret) who may not have been the smartest choice or boys I almost hooked up with, or boys that liked me or boys that I liked. Okay, most of my bad life decisions are male. It's true. That's just the reality of life. But there are some girls thrown in there. Friendships that ended badly, people who screwed me over, you get it.
Good Life Decisions = people I'm friends with now. People who love me unconditionally for the person I am and the things we share. The people who are just amazing to be around and who make me infinitely happy.
Facing a lot of those bad life decisions have made me realize how much I've grown up over the past four years. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I started college. I don't think anyone ever is. I don't think I've completely figured out who I am either. But then again, I don't think we ever do honestly. Once you've completely figured yourself out, you die. Well, maybe not but I feel that throughout life you're constantly learning about yourself. So yeah. I've changed. Good or bad, who cares? I like the me I am now. Even though I liked the me I was then. Each of those bad life decisions taught me something more about who I am.
I definitely would not make some of the mistakes I made throughout college now. But that's mainly because I learned from them when I made them before. I feel like I better know the difference between a hook-up and a relationship, and between a friend and an acquaintance. I can now assess a situation at the beginning for what it's going to be and not for what it could be.
I've also learned how to find the people who are going to be there for you no matter what. Seeing some of my friends for the first time in four months, it feels like I saw them last week, except we keep saying "I've missed you so much!". The people I'm friends with now accept me for who I am and only pass friendly, teasing judgment that is not meant to be taken seriously. They are people I can trust to not turn on me when the times get tough and to stick it out and wait for the storm to pass. I feel like I re-learn this every few years because as you get older and become the person you're supposed to become, you realize how the people in your life have to reflect those changes. Well, not all of them of course. It's those people who are a dime a dozen, a diamond in the rough even (I love rolling off with cliches when I talk. I amuse myself). Those are the best life decisions.
The most interesting thing about this whole experience is seeing people that I haven't seen over time for various reasons. Or rather, seeing people I haven't wanted to see over the years for various reasons. The people I didn't want to see are what I call "Bad Life Decisions".
Bad Life Decisions = boys I hooked up with (I don't regret them though. I don't believe in regret) who may not have been the smartest choice or boys I almost hooked up with, or boys that liked me or boys that I liked. Okay, most of my bad life decisions are male. It's true. That's just the reality of life. But there are some girls thrown in there. Friendships that ended badly, people who screwed me over, you get it.
Good Life Decisions = people I'm friends with now. People who love me unconditionally for the person I am and the things we share. The people who are just amazing to be around and who make me infinitely happy.
Facing a lot of those bad life decisions have made me realize how much I've grown up over the past four years. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I started college. I don't think anyone ever is. I don't think I've completely figured out who I am either. But then again, I don't think we ever do honestly. Once you've completely figured yourself out, you die. Well, maybe not but I feel that throughout life you're constantly learning about yourself. So yeah. I've changed. Good or bad, who cares? I like the me I am now. Even though I liked the me I was then. Each of those bad life decisions taught me something more about who I am.
I definitely would not make some of the mistakes I made throughout college now. But that's mainly because I learned from them when I made them before. I feel like I better know the difference between a hook-up and a relationship, and between a friend and an acquaintance. I can now assess a situation at the beginning for what it's going to be and not for what it could be.
I've also learned how to find the people who are going to be there for you no matter what. Seeing some of my friends for the first time in four months, it feels like I saw them last week, except we keep saying "I've missed you so much!". The people I'm friends with now accept me for who I am and only pass friendly, teasing judgment that is not meant to be taken seriously. They are people I can trust to not turn on me when the times get tough and to stick it out and wait for the storm to pass. I feel like I re-learn this every few years because as you get older and become the person you're supposed to become, you realize how the people in your life have to reflect those changes. Well, not all of them of course. It's those people who are a dime a dozen, a diamond in the rough even (I love rolling off with cliches when I talk. I amuse myself). Those are the best life decisions.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friends are thicker than blood...
So, today I got some slightly unsettling news. One of my best friends is moving incredibly far away from me. That got me to thinking, how big of a part do your friendships really play in your life?
I mean, okay. Obviously close friends play a huge part in one's life. I know mine do. (Here's where I get deeply personal for the first time on this blog)
So I have 4 truly best friends. We're not like a big group like on Sex and the City (though that is an influence) or like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or anything. In fact, some of my best friends have never even met each other. I feel like each one of the represents a different phase in my life.
My best friend Christine and I have been best friends for let's see...about 22 years now. Christine is my oldest and dearest friend for sure. Seeing as how we're about one gestation period apart, we like to joke that I was born to be her best friend. Though our friendship hasn't always been consistent, we're still incredibly close and now matter how long it is that we don't see each other, or how long we don't speak, it's like time has never past when we do finally see each other again. Next would be my best friend Dana, who's been my best friend for almost 10 years now. (our 10 year "friendiversary" is coming up this august.) Now, there have been other "best" friends between Christine and Dana but obviously no one stuck for various and assorted reasons. Dana and I have known each other our whole lives, (our families were friends) but we didn't really become close until the era of the boy band, when we found a common love for Hanson, the Backstreet Boys and *NSync. We've been pretty much attached ever since. Again, I don't see Dana that often due to extenuating life circumstances, but we're still super best buds. After Dana would be Jessica, who has been my best friend (on and off) since high school. We've had our ups and downs but she has been there for me through a lot so I'm grateful to have her. I don't know I would have gotten through the end of high school without her honestly. After Jess is Linda, who has been a friend since like this time three years ago but has become a best friend in the past year. We lived together last semester while we were in LA and to say that we've gotten close is kind of an understatement. I had separation anxiety over Christmas break without her and we were only apart for a month. There is one best friend that I almost forgot, Stephanie, who became one of my best friends last semester in LA. We've become very close very quickly and she is an invaluable part of my life now.
So, I have these 5 fabulous friends who mean the world to me to say the least. I don't remember my life before these girls came into it (okay, that's not totally true but it's for effect). They each give me something that the other's don't and that's what makes each relationship so special. None of us have 100% of everything in common and that's what keeps our friendships interesting. Without Linda, I wouldn't know the joys of Asian pop music, without Dana I would have one of the most special little people in my life, without Christine, I wouldn't have gotten through my senior year of high school, without Stephanie I wouldn't have gotten through LA and without Jess, well I wouldn't get through a lot of things. Each one of them brings so much to my life that I feel full of love and happiness. In them I really couldn't ask for more. But the question I always ask is, why them? And why at the time we met? What was I lacking that they managed to fill? I mean, some I guess are obvious. Linda was one of my assistant stage managers and therefore "in charge", Jess and I had indentical schedule and Stephanie had a car.
So, I think, what would I do if any of these girls suddenly wasn't there. How would I handle my life? Who would I run to if I had a boy problem, or needed some place to stay or just needed a little bit of girl time? Friends come and go but the ones that stay are there forever.
Recently, I had a friend who I thought fit into the above category, needless to say, I was wrong. The thing that make me wonder is why didn't things work out for us when she has been a part of the above group? I mean, I know the actual reason (long and complicated. if you want to know, I'll tell you privately) but why did that happen? Why did the fates at hand decide that no, we were not meant to be friends when we had thought for so long that we would be lifelong buds. Truly bffs? Maybe it was because the fates saw something I couldn't see. Maybe they knew that she didn't fit into the above category and she needed to be removed to make room for someone who could truly be there for me and bring something invaluable to my life. I do have to say that I am grateful to the fates for realigning those stars because I'm glad that it happened now rather than 10 years from now. That would be a severe let down. I mean, it already has been a severe let down But now I'm resilient. I can bounce back from the fall, brush my butt off and get back out there.
Another thing that has always been curious to me is how someone who you once called a "best friend" can go to merely a good friend just as quickly as they became a best. Part of me likes to think that what demotes one from best to good is a lack of communication over time that disintegrates the relationship. Like when you go from talking every day to maybe only talking once a month as you can notice the visable change it has on your conversations. I mean, I have friends who I used to be able to talk to for hours and now after ten minutes, it feels like there is nothing to say. Or I just don't talk to them anymore. The extent of our friendship is now being in each other's top friends on Myspace. What does that mean? How can you go from having everything to nothing to say? It is honestly bizarre.
It just makes me think about all of the best friends that have come and gone. Of course, when you're young, you don't always know what's best for you and you become friends with someone, not seeing them for who they really are. I mean, how could you at the age of eleven? What do you even know about that? I don't even talk to most of the same people I talked to when I was eleven. Hell, I barely talk to most of the same people I talked to when I was 20. I'll never understand what happens to make people decide that they no longer wish to be friends but it happens every day doesn't it?
Personally, I'd rather just stop talking to someone all together rather than pretend to be someone's friend knowing that is a reason I shouldn't be. I've seen people who will have a fight with a friend (a very serious one) and hate that friend with every fiber of their body only to be speaking to them again a few days later. I mean, what's the point of backpeddling on your feelings? If you're really hurt, that should be it. Maybe I say this because I don't always believe in second chances. I mean, Jess and I weren't speaking for quite a bit of time but there was a force bigger than us that pushed us back together. It's called space (in our case anyway). But I don't know, when a friend really hurts me, I can't imagine saying "sure, that's not a problem. even though I'm telling people I'll never talk to you again, I'll talk to you." If you're done, be done completely.
And I know that when things get hard, I can always pick up the phone or come to my computer and one of those girls will be there with a sympathetic ear, a good hug and maybe a bottle of wine. We'll laugh, we'll be angry, and we'll work our way through whatever the problem is. Life after college, school, parents, distance, boys, whatever it else it is that you talk about with your girlfriends. Those are the moments I'm most grateful in life for. Because in those moments, you see how amazing friends really are.
I mean, okay. Obviously close friends play a huge part in one's life. I know mine do. (Here's where I get deeply personal for the first time on this blog)
So I have 4 truly best friends. We're not like a big group like on Sex and the City (though that is an influence) or like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or anything. In fact, some of my best friends have never even met each other. I feel like each one of the represents a different phase in my life.
My best friend Christine and I have been best friends for let's see...about 22 years now. Christine is my oldest and dearest friend for sure. Seeing as how we're about one gestation period apart, we like to joke that I was born to be her best friend. Though our friendship hasn't always been consistent, we're still incredibly close and now matter how long it is that we don't see each other, or how long we don't speak, it's like time has never past when we do finally see each other again. Next would be my best friend Dana, who's been my best friend for almost 10 years now. (our 10 year "friendiversary" is coming up this august.) Now, there have been other "best" friends between Christine and Dana but obviously no one stuck for various and assorted reasons. Dana and I have known each other our whole lives, (our families were friends) but we didn't really become close until the era of the boy band, when we found a common love for Hanson, the Backstreet Boys and *NSync. We've been pretty much attached ever since. Again, I don't see Dana that often due to extenuating life circumstances, but we're still super best buds. After Dana would be Jessica, who has been my best friend (on and off) since high school. We've had our ups and downs but she has been there for me through a lot so I'm grateful to have her. I don't know I would have gotten through the end of high school without her honestly. After Jess is Linda, who has been a friend since like this time three years ago but has become a best friend in the past year. We lived together last semester while we were in LA and to say that we've gotten close is kind of an understatement. I had separation anxiety over Christmas break without her and we were only apart for a month. There is one best friend that I almost forgot, Stephanie, who became one of my best friends last semester in LA. We've become very close very quickly and she is an invaluable part of my life now.
So, I have these 5 fabulous friends who mean the world to me to say the least. I don't remember my life before these girls came into it (okay, that's not totally true but it's for effect). They each give me something that the other's don't and that's what makes each relationship so special. None of us have 100% of everything in common and that's what keeps our friendships interesting. Without Linda, I wouldn't know the joys of Asian pop music, without Dana I would have one of the most special little people in my life, without Christine, I wouldn't have gotten through my senior year of high school, without Stephanie I wouldn't have gotten through LA and without Jess, well I wouldn't get through a lot of things. Each one of them brings so much to my life that I feel full of love and happiness. In them I really couldn't ask for more. But the question I always ask is, why them? And why at the time we met? What was I lacking that they managed to fill? I mean, some I guess are obvious. Linda was one of my assistant stage managers and therefore "in charge", Jess and I had indentical schedule and Stephanie had a car.
So, I think, what would I do if any of these girls suddenly wasn't there. How would I handle my life? Who would I run to if I had a boy problem, or needed some place to stay or just needed a little bit of girl time? Friends come and go but the ones that stay are there forever.
Recently, I had a friend who I thought fit into the above category, needless to say, I was wrong. The thing that make me wonder is why didn't things work out for us when she has been a part of the above group? I mean, I know the actual reason (long and complicated. if you want to know, I'll tell you privately) but why did that happen? Why did the fates at hand decide that no, we were not meant to be friends when we had thought for so long that we would be lifelong buds. Truly bffs? Maybe it was because the fates saw something I couldn't see. Maybe they knew that she didn't fit into the above category and she needed to be removed to make room for someone who could truly be there for me and bring something invaluable to my life. I do have to say that I am grateful to the fates for realigning those stars because I'm glad that it happened now rather than 10 years from now. That would be a severe let down. I mean, it already has been a severe let down But now I'm resilient. I can bounce back from the fall, brush my butt off and get back out there.
Another thing that has always been curious to me is how someone who you once called a "best friend" can go to merely a good friend just as quickly as they became a best. Part of me likes to think that what demotes one from best to good is a lack of communication over time that disintegrates the relationship. Like when you go from talking every day to maybe only talking once a month as you can notice the visable change it has on your conversations. I mean, I have friends who I used to be able to talk to for hours and now after ten minutes, it feels like there is nothing to say. Or I just don't talk to them anymore. The extent of our friendship is now being in each other's top friends on Myspace. What does that mean? How can you go from having everything to nothing to say? It is honestly bizarre.
It just makes me think about all of the best friends that have come and gone. Of course, when you're young, you don't always know what's best for you and you become friends with someone, not seeing them for who they really are. I mean, how could you at the age of eleven? What do you even know about that? I don't even talk to most of the same people I talked to when I was eleven. Hell, I barely talk to most of the same people I talked to when I was 20. I'll never understand what happens to make people decide that they no longer wish to be friends but it happens every day doesn't it?
Personally, I'd rather just stop talking to someone all together rather than pretend to be someone's friend knowing that is a reason I shouldn't be. I've seen people who will have a fight with a friend (a very serious one) and hate that friend with every fiber of their body only to be speaking to them again a few days later. I mean, what's the point of backpeddling on your feelings? If you're really hurt, that should be it. Maybe I say this because I don't always believe in second chances. I mean, Jess and I weren't speaking for quite a bit of time but there was a force bigger than us that pushed us back together. It's called space (in our case anyway). But I don't know, when a friend really hurts me, I can't imagine saying "sure, that's not a problem. even though I'm telling people I'll never talk to you again, I'll talk to you." If you're done, be done completely.
And I know that when things get hard, I can always pick up the phone or come to my computer and one of those girls will be there with a sympathetic ear, a good hug and maybe a bottle of wine. We'll laugh, we'll be angry, and we'll work our way through whatever the problem is. Life after college, school, parents, distance, boys, whatever it else it is that you talk about with your girlfriends. Those are the moments I'm most grateful in life for. Because in those moments, you see how amazing friends really are.
Monday, March 31, 2008
The Music and the Mirror Pt 2
Okay, so you really shouldn't try to write a well thought out post so early in the morning. But I needed help falling asleep and writing really helped. But there is still a lot I wanted to say about A Chorus Line so I wanted to finish up this post.
So, I think one of the biggest reasons I have such a strong connection/reaction to the show is because it is like one of the only (if not the only) show that tells the story from the perspective of the dancer/performer. Theirs is a unique perspective because well, they're the ones that do all the performing. Especially the chorus. Sometimes, they're the ones who carry the numbers along, not the leads. Plus, there's always more of them right? But at the same time, they are definitely not the stars. They are regular people, just like the rest of us. Except they get paid to do what they truly love and they don't always make a lot doing it.
I mean, take for example the cast of the show. They had all just been mainly playing chorus parts in shows for most of their careers. And then suddenly Michael Bennett comes along and is like "I want to hear your story. Come to this group therapy session we're having and spill your guts about how you got to this point." And so the show was born. Some of those people are acting out their own life stories every night on that stage. It's like the uber catharsis. Until you get to the point where you've lived your story enough. But imagine what that's like. You get up on stage and tell your story to a willing audience. Or you tell someone else's story (that happens a few times in the show) but that person gets to hear their life come out of your mouth. It's really a beautiful process. And imagine the audience. They get to see what it really is to be a dancer in the chorus. How you got there, why you stay, how this became your life.
For these characters, dance was always an escape from their real life. It was sometimes their only safe place in the world. Or it was the solution to a fate worse than death (I can't help but think of Richie, the short black man who almost becomes a kindergarten teacher and the chorus singing "Shit Richie" behind him as he tells his story). I think the best example of this idea of escape is the song "At the Ballet" in which Sheila talks about her cheating father who never really put her or her mother first and Bebe talks about how her mother told her that she would never be conventionally pretty or beautiful and poor Maggie, who was born to save her parents' marriage and her dad left anyway. She dreams of a brave Indian chief who would dance her around the room. I think the lyrics that best sum up their feelings toward dance are:
"Up a steep and very narrow stairway,
To the voice like a metronome
Up a steep and very narrow stairway
It wasn't paradise, it wasn't paradise
But it was home."
I can definitely relate to that on a personal level. I mean, my mother was a dancer. I took my first steps at a dance studio. To me, dancing school was always the safest place in the world. When my dad wouldn't come home for a few days, I could go to dancing school and that wouldn't matter. When I had a fight with a friend, I could dance it out. When I was happy, I could celebrate. Birthdays, holidays and Fridays were always celebrated. My senior year of high school, I went back to dancing regularly after years and it felt like I had come home. All of my oldest friends were there and they were always my safe haven. When I was going through a lot of deeply personal shit, those were the girls I turned to so that I could forget. We would laugh and argue and dance occasionally and it was the perfect ending to what may wasn't always the perfect day or even the perfect week.
But if you're going to talk about escapism as a large theme in A Chorus Line, you have to talk about Cassie. Cassie is all about escapism. That is the whole premise of "The Music and the Mirror." The song opens:
"Give me somebody to dance for,
Give me somebody to show.
Let me wake up in the morning to find
I have somewhere exciting to go
To have something I can believe in
To have something to be
Use me...choose me."
As I'm writing this post, I'm talking to a friend who is also an A Chorus Line enthusiast as myself and we are dialogging about all of these key themes. I feel like she's said it more eloquently than I can put it so I'm paraphrasing almost exactly. But keep in mind, I share these opinions. If you think about it, this particular song is all about the passion. It is also about the need to be needed. Frankly, I feel that no one is more needy than performers. Maybe doctors but not really. Performers need to know that there is an audience for them to perform for. We like to feel needed. But that need is a driving force of the show. These dancers need this job. Not just for the money, but for themselves. Dance is their passion. They need to express themselves. Dance is the ultimate form of expression. I mean, Cassie states it pretty clearly.
"God, I'm a dancer,
A dancer dances!
Give me a job and you instantly get me involved
If you give me a job
Then the rest of the crap will get solved
Put me to work
You would think by now I'm allowed
To do you proud
Play me the music
Give me a chance to come through
All I ever needed
Was the music and the mirror
And the chance to dance..."
Okay, I think it got it all summed up. Passion. Cassie = dance = passion. Got it? Yes? Moving on to probably one of the best known songs from the show, "What I Did For Love." You know you know this song. I can sing it in my sleep. And I actually have. I had a dream once that I was in front of a crowd singing this. That's all I'm gonna say.
Well, the prompt in the play for this song is "If today were the day that you had to stop dancing, how would you feel?" I think though, that this song is incredibly relateable, no matter what the cue line is in real life. Everyone has a passion. I don't believe that there are passionless people in this world. I refuse to believe it. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do their passion every day like a dancer or an actor is but let's just think about this for a second. There's a beautiful generality in this song that I don't think is in any other song. Except for maybe "I Hope I Get It." Funny how they're at the opposite ends of the show huh? But let's look at the opening of "What I Did For Love" shall we?
"Kiss today goodbye
The sweetness and the sorrow
Wish me luck, the same to you
But I can't regret
What I did for love..."
Let's examine this for a second. Kiss today goodbye. You can never go back to this moment. It has passed, it is over. The sweetness and the sorrow. Well, every passion has its highs and lows right? It can't always be sunshine and roses. But you take the good with the bad. Wish me luck, the same to you. Pretty self explanatory. But I can't regret what I did for love. You can't look back on the sacrifices you've made in the name of your passion. If I had to stop acting today, I wouldn't look back on it all as a waste, even though I never made a dime or got any recognition for what I've done. I've gotten to do my passion for a long time and I've loved every minute of it. You can't cry and you can't think negatively. It has to be a positive thought. As my friend so brilliantly put it, "its a beautiful song about saying goodbye to regret. which is such a weird thing to do but it happens. it's bittersweet."
But you know, with great power comes great responsibility. This song is almost too general. It can be taken extremely out of context. Not just to apply to other things beside dance, but to horribly obvious things. Like lost love like it is in the movie version of A Chorus Line (ps: don't see the movie. it is severly disspointing. the only plus is Cassie is played by Alyson Reed who plays Ms. Darbus in the High School Musical franchise. But don't see the movie. You'll thank me)
So, to sum up everything I think I've said quite eloquently here, A Chorus Line is about passion. Its about finding escape in your passion and it's about life beyond the stage. Please, I do urge all to utilize the clips I've added (there will be more at the end of this post) and find the music, see the show (not the movie) and love it as much as I do. I'm going to end this with the rest of the lyrics of "What I Did For Love."
"Look my eyes are dry
The gift was ours to borrow
Its as if we always knew
And I won't forget what I did for love
What I did for love
Gone, love is never gone
As we travel on
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye
And point me toward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love...."
Clips:
The original cast reflects on the show 15 years later
*this is from the Phil Donahue show in 1990. it had just been announced that the show was closing and at the time it was the longest running show in the history of Broadway. It's in 7 parts but please watch the whole thing. It's beautiful and enlightening.
The Cast performs "One" at the 1976 Tony Awards
*not the full song but you get the point. everyone needs to see this*
So, I think one of the biggest reasons I have such a strong connection/reaction to the show is because it is like one of the only (if not the only) show that tells the story from the perspective of the dancer/performer. Theirs is a unique perspective because well, they're the ones that do all the performing. Especially the chorus. Sometimes, they're the ones who carry the numbers along, not the leads. Plus, there's always more of them right? But at the same time, they are definitely not the stars. They are regular people, just like the rest of us. Except they get paid to do what they truly love and they don't always make a lot doing it.
I mean, take for example the cast of the show. They had all just been mainly playing chorus parts in shows for most of their careers. And then suddenly Michael Bennett comes along and is like "I want to hear your story. Come to this group therapy session we're having and spill your guts about how you got to this point." And so the show was born. Some of those people are acting out their own life stories every night on that stage. It's like the uber catharsis. Until you get to the point where you've lived your story enough. But imagine what that's like. You get up on stage and tell your story to a willing audience. Or you tell someone else's story (that happens a few times in the show) but that person gets to hear their life come out of your mouth. It's really a beautiful process. And imagine the audience. They get to see what it really is to be a dancer in the chorus. How you got there, why you stay, how this became your life.
For these characters, dance was always an escape from their real life. It was sometimes their only safe place in the world. Or it was the solution to a fate worse than death (I can't help but think of Richie, the short black man who almost becomes a kindergarten teacher and the chorus singing "Shit Richie" behind him as he tells his story). I think the best example of this idea of escape is the song "At the Ballet" in which Sheila talks about her cheating father who never really put her or her mother first and Bebe talks about how her mother told her that she would never be conventionally pretty or beautiful and poor Maggie, who was born to save her parents' marriage and her dad left anyway. She dreams of a brave Indian chief who would dance her around the room. I think the lyrics that best sum up their feelings toward dance are:
"Up a steep and very narrow stairway,
To the voice like a metronome
Up a steep and very narrow stairway
It wasn't paradise, it wasn't paradise
But it was home."
I can definitely relate to that on a personal level. I mean, my mother was a dancer. I took my first steps at a dance studio. To me, dancing school was always the safest place in the world. When my dad wouldn't come home for a few days, I could go to dancing school and that wouldn't matter. When I had a fight with a friend, I could dance it out. When I was happy, I could celebrate. Birthdays, holidays and Fridays were always celebrated. My senior year of high school, I went back to dancing regularly after years and it felt like I had come home. All of my oldest friends were there and they were always my safe haven. When I was going through a lot of deeply personal shit, those were the girls I turned to so that I could forget. We would laugh and argue and dance occasionally and it was the perfect ending to what may wasn't always the perfect day or even the perfect week.
But if you're going to talk about escapism as a large theme in A Chorus Line, you have to talk about Cassie. Cassie is all about escapism. That is the whole premise of "The Music and the Mirror." The song opens:
"Give me somebody to dance for,
Give me somebody to show.
Let me wake up in the morning to find
I have somewhere exciting to go
To have something I can believe in
To have something to be
Use me...choose me."
As I'm writing this post, I'm talking to a friend who is also an A Chorus Line enthusiast as myself and we are dialogging about all of these key themes. I feel like she's said it more eloquently than I can put it so I'm paraphrasing almost exactly. But keep in mind, I share these opinions. If you think about it, this particular song is all about the passion. It is also about the need to be needed. Frankly, I feel that no one is more needy than performers. Maybe doctors but not really. Performers need to know that there is an audience for them to perform for. We like to feel needed. But that need is a driving force of the show. These dancers need this job. Not just for the money, but for themselves. Dance is their passion. They need to express themselves. Dance is the ultimate form of expression. I mean, Cassie states it pretty clearly.
"God, I'm a dancer,
A dancer dances!
Give me a job and you instantly get me involved
If you give me a job
Then the rest of the crap will get solved
Put me to work
You would think by now I'm allowed
To do you proud
Play me the music
Give me a chance to come through
All I ever needed
Was the music and the mirror
And the chance to dance..."
Okay, I think it got it all summed up. Passion. Cassie = dance = passion. Got it? Yes? Moving on to probably one of the best known songs from the show, "What I Did For Love." You know you know this song. I can sing it in my sleep. And I actually have. I had a dream once that I was in front of a crowd singing this. That's all I'm gonna say.
Well, the prompt in the play for this song is "If today were the day that you had to stop dancing, how would you feel?" I think though, that this song is incredibly relateable, no matter what the cue line is in real life. Everyone has a passion. I don't believe that there are passionless people in this world. I refuse to believe it. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do their passion every day like a dancer or an actor is but let's just think about this for a second. There's a beautiful generality in this song that I don't think is in any other song. Except for maybe "I Hope I Get It." Funny how they're at the opposite ends of the show huh? But let's look at the opening of "What I Did For Love" shall we?
"Kiss today goodbye
The sweetness and the sorrow
Wish me luck, the same to you
But I can't regret
What I did for love..."
Let's examine this for a second. Kiss today goodbye. You can never go back to this moment. It has passed, it is over. The sweetness and the sorrow. Well, every passion has its highs and lows right? It can't always be sunshine and roses. But you take the good with the bad. Wish me luck, the same to you. Pretty self explanatory. But I can't regret what I did for love. You can't look back on the sacrifices you've made in the name of your passion. If I had to stop acting today, I wouldn't look back on it all as a waste, even though I never made a dime or got any recognition for what I've done. I've gotten to do my passion for a long time and I've loved every minute of it. You can't cry and you can't think negatively. It has to be a positive thought. As my friend so brilliantly put it, "its a beautiful song about saying goodbye to regret. which is such a weird thing to do but it happens. it's bittersweet."
But you know, with great power comes great responsibility. This song is almost too general. It can be taken extremely out of context. Not just to apply to other things beside dance, but to horribly obvious things. Like lost love like it is in the movie version of A Chorus Line (ps: don't see the movie. it is severly disspointing. the only plus is Cassie is played by Alyson Reed who plays Ms. Darbus in the High School Musical franchise. But don't see the movie. You'll thank me)
So, to sum up everything I think I've said quite eloquently here, A Chorus Line is about passion. Its about finding escape in your passion and it's about life beyond the stage. Please, I do urge all to utilize the clips I've added (there will be more at the end of this post) and find the music, see the show (not the movie) and love it as much as I do. I'm going to end this with the rest of the lyrics of "What I Did For Love."
"Look my eyes are dry
The gift was ours to borrow
Its as if we always knew
And I won't forget what I did for love
What I did for love
Gone, love is never gone
As we travel on
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye
And point me toward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love...."
Clips:
The original cast reflects on the show 15 years later
*this is from the Phil Donahue show in 1990. it had just been announced that the show was closing and at the time it was the longest running show in the history of Broadway. It's in 7 parts but please watch the whole thing. It's beautiful and enlightening.
The Cast performs "One" at the 1976 Tony Awards
*not the full song but you get the point. everyone needs to see this*
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