So last week I celebrated my 24th birthday. I do have to say I'm still not 100% comfortable with the idea of being 24 but I couldn't really stop it either. Turning 24 just reminds me that I'm getting older. And getting older is really scary. No one prepares you for this point in your life. Sometimes I feel like a bird thrown out of the nest with no map or instruction booklet. It freaks me out. But I can say, I learned a lot during my 23rd year; about life and about myself.
When I turned 23, I had yet to know what true heartbreak felt like. I was about to find out. It sent me to a dark lonely place but I figured out how to get back from there. And if I hadn't had the heartbreak, I wouldn't have opened myself back up to love. On my 23rd birthday I didn't wish for love to find me but it did and I'm glad. 23 brought me love. I learned how to open myself up to another person completely, share my heart with them and allow them to share theirs with me. I am head over heels in a way that I wasn't before. In a way that I don't think I could have appreciated a year ago. But now I'm ready.
I already knew that I had a group of people I could count on whenever I needed them. Not just my family but the family I created. And this year proved very truly who those people are. I also learned that I can be a shitty friend and the people who really care won't care about the shitty times and focus on the good ones. I've realized that sometimes people come in and out of our lives when we don't expect it. And there is always a reason for that. Sometimes you grow apart and that's okay. Sometimes you grow closer together and that's okay too. Everyone has a time in your life but they can't have it all the time.
I've also decided that I'm going to use 24 as a fresh start. I will approach my mid-twenties with a new frame of mind. I must figure out the tools I need to create my own destiny. I will diligently work to achieve what I want from my life, even if it means supplying myself with the most basic levels of information to get to the next part of my life. I will no longer sit idly by and let my life pass me by.
Most importantly I learned with 23 and continue with 24 is to live my life with my heart and mind open. I will take each day as it comes and I will embrace every minute of my life for the ways it will teach me and change me. I will love with every fiber of my being and I will fight for what I believe in. And that is the only way to grow.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Valentine's Day...
Well, it has come and gone. As a single girl, I always hated Valentine's Day for obvious reasons; I was single and bitter. And while I was most definitely not single and bitter this year I can honestly say that many of my feelings about the holiday haven't really changed.
I always felt that Valentine's Day was terribly commercial; a holiday made solely to sell chocolate, flowers and greeting cards. It still feels that way to me, except this year I indulged in some of that commercialism. I bought two greeting cards. Why two you ask? I am horrible at choosing things so I just decided to buy my boyfriend two cards that were both really indicative of our relationship and figured when it came time I'd choose. I again couldn't make a decision so he got two cards. Did I also mention I bought these in January? Well I did. I noticed during Christmas time that if you wait until the last minute all of the good cards are taken. And since we've only been together for two and a half months, its gonna be slim pickings in the card department. I don't know why greeting card companies only create a few cards for people who haven't been in relationships long. We're not in love yet so that cut out half of my options right there. The next cut were the overly sappy cards. I HATE sappy cards for any occasion but especially Valentine's Day. It's sappy enough, why do you need a card that reflects that too? I think the cards I got were kinda sappy but like I said, I had a limited amount to work with from the start.
And flowers! Why spend that much money for something that won't even make it until the next weekend? I told my boyfriend from the beginning that flowers would not be necessary because I kill them within minutes of them entering my house. Sure, they're pretty to look at for a little while but you forget about them anyway. But there were roses everywhere! I want to know which florist had an overflow of inventory and decided to force roses on poor clueless Valentine's Day consumers.
One thing I am a fan of is candy. Even in my single days, my Valentine's Day angst was easy remedied by a Whitman's sampler. I mean, chocolate is a cure-all in my opinion. All I needed this year was a box of chocolate and a good meal. Now that I think about it I got the meal but not the chocolate. But I got two desserts so I guess that makes up for it =).
I do have to say though, my boyfriend did a great job at making my first Valentine's Day a memorable one. We had a wonderful day together. I know he was super nervous about pleasing me, even though I told him I didn't need any grandiose gestures. Just getting to spend time with him is always wonderful and special so I didn't really care what we did. Especially if I got fed. You keep my tummy happy and you've therefore kept me happy. But he pulled out all the stops. First, I met him at work in a killer dress and got my first surprise of the day. I had mentioned that I really wanted to see the movie Valentine's Day. I love romantic comedies and the list of celebs in it was enough to make my spend my $12.50. But I know that he's not really into those kind of movies so I was like, "but you don't have to take me." I swear that this wasn't a bait to get him to take me; I would have totally gone with a girlfriend. But he pulled the tickets out of his pocket and I was thrilled.
We had some time before the movie started so we meandered around Barnes and Noble for a bit to kill time. They had some really cute books, including "Love Letters of Great Men," which is the book that Carrie reads to Mr. Big in the Sex and the City movie. When the movie was made it wasn't a real book but it became so popular they actually published it! I thought it would be too cheesy to purchase on Valentine's Day but I may go back and pick up a copy =). The movie was super cute in a totally cheesy romantic comedy kind of way and that's why I loved it. I got a little misty eyed at one point which made my boyfriend promptly turn to me in shock. He has never seen me emote in such ways before. He once jokingly called me "Tin Man" so the tears were definitely out of character. After the movie let out, we decided to go uptown for dinner to a restaurant recommended to us by a friend. We got lost trying to find it but when we got there it was totally worth getting lost for! It is called Covo and it's on 135th and 12th for any NYC friends who want to check it out.
After dinner we went back to his place to exchange gifts and hang out. I know he was making a big deal about my gift but I could honestly say I had no clue what he was getting me. I got him the dvd of Michael Jackson's This Is It because that's the movie we saw on our first date (cue the throwing up sounds) but I also know that he really just likes the movie so he'd enjoy watching it whenever he wanted. So once we got in and settled he apologized for not having time to wrap my gift which was fine by me. It's not Christmas and there's no satisfaction in ripping wrapping paper off a gift. So he just told me to turn around and there sitting on his floor was an Easy Bake Oven!!!
That may sound like a really random gift but its a big deal. Out of all the toys I got as a kid, the one thing I never got and really wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I've been bitter about it since I was like eight years old. It was the one thing I had that I could hold over my parents' heads. You know..."All I ever wanted was an Easy Bake Oven and you never got me one so that's why I went crazy." That kind of thing. It's come up in several conversations that my boyfriend has been involved in but I never in a million years thought that he would actually buy me one! Again, I wasn't dropping hints, promise. But there it was in all of its kitschy glory. When I told my parents, they were shocked and jealous. My mother then told me that they planned to finally get me one for my birthday this year. But it's too late! This is why I have the greatest boyfriend ever. He really did make the day special for me.
And I know that no other Valentine's Day will live up to this one because it was the first one I've ever really celebrated. But I can safely say that though I have eased up on my harsh feelings on matters of the heart, I still remain a skeptic of Valentine's Day. But I have to thank my wonderful boyfriend for temporarily making me see the holiday through rose colored glasses =D
I always felt that Valentine's Day was terribly commercial; a holiday made solely to sell chocolate, flowers and greeting cards. It still feels that way to me, except this year I indulged in some of that commercialism. I bought two greeting cards. Why two you ask? I am horrible at choosing things so I just decided to buy my boyfriend two cards that were both really indicative of our relationship and figured when it came time I'd choose. I again couldn't make a decision so he got two cards. Did I also mention I bought these in January? Well I did. I noticed during Christmas time that if you wait until the last minute all of the good cards are taken. And since we've only been together for two and a half months, its gonna be slim pickings in the card department. I don't know why greeting card companies only create a few cards for people who haven't been in relationships long. We're not in love yet so that cut out half of my options right there. The next cut were the overly sappy cards. I HATE sappy cards for any occasion but especially Valentine's Day. It's sappy enough, why do you need a card that reflects that too? I think the cards I got were kinda sappy but like I said, I had a limited amount to work with from the start.
And flowers! Why spend that much money for something that won't even make it until the next weekend? I told my boyfriend from the beginning that flowers would not be necessary because I kill them within minutes of them entering my house. Sure, they're pretty to look at for a little while but you forget about them anyway. But there were roses everywhere! I want to know which florist had an overflow of inventory and decided to force roses on poor clueless Valentine's Day consumers.
One thing I am a fan of is candy. Even in my single days, my Valentine's Day angst was easy remedied by a Whitman's sampler. I mean, chocolate is a cure-all in my opinion. All I needed this year was a box of chocolate and a good meal. Now that I think about it I got the meal but not the chocolate. But I got two desserts so I guess that makes up for it =).
I do have to say though, my boyfriend did a great job at making my first Valentine's Day a memorable one. We had a wonderful day together. I know he was super nervous about pleasing me, even though I told him I didn't need any grandiose gestures. Just getting to spend time with him is always wonderful and special so I didn't really care what we did. Especially if I got fed. You keep my tummy happy and you've therefore kept me happy. But he pulled out all the stops. First, I met him at work in a killer dress and got my first surprise of the day. I had mentioned that I really wanted to see the movie Valentine's Day. I love romantic comedies and the list of celebs in it was enough to make my spend my $12.50. But I know that he's not really into those kind of movies so I was like, "but you don't have to take me." I swear that this wasn't a bait to get him to take me; I would have totally gone with a girlfriend. But he pulled the tickets out of his pocket and I was thrilled.
We had some time before the movie started so we meandered around Barnes and Noble for a bit to kill time. They had some really cute books, including "Love Letters of Great Men," which is the book that Carrie reads to Mr. Big in the Sex and the City movie. When the movie was made it wasn't a real book but it became so popular they actually published it! I thought it would be too cheesy to purchase on Valentine's Day but I may go back and pick up a copy =). The movie was super cute in a totally cheesy romantic comedy kind of way and that's why I loved it. I got a little misty eyed at one point which made my boyfriend promptly turn to me in shock. He has never seen me emote in such ways before. He once jokingly called me "Tin Man" so the tears were definitely out of character. After the movie let out, we decided to go uptown for dinner to a restaurant recommended to us by a friend. We got lost trying to find it but when we got there it was totally worth getting lost for! It is called Covo and it's on 135th and 12th for any NYC friends who want to check it out.
After dinner we went back to his place to exchange gifts and hang out. I know he was making a big deal about my gift but I could honestly say I had no clue what he was getting me. I got him the dvd of Michael Jackson's This Is It because that's the movie we saw on our first date (cue the throwing up sounds) but I also know that he really just likes the movie so he'd enjoy watching it whenever he wanted. So once we got in and settled he apologized for not having time to wrap my gift which was fine by me. It's not Christmas and there's no satisfaction in ripping wrapping paper off a gift. So he just told me to turn around and there sitting on his floor was an Easy Bake Oven!!!
That may sound like a really random gift but its a big deal. Out of all the toys I got as a kid, the one thing I never got and really wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I've been bitter about it since I was like eight years old. It was the one thing I had that I could hold over my parents' heads. You know..."All I ever wanted was an Easy Bake Oven and you never got me one so that's why I went crazy." That kind of thing. It's come up in several conversations that my boyfriend has been involved in but I never in a million years thought that he would actually buy me one! Again, I wasn't dropping hints, promise. But there it was in all of its kitschy glory. When I told my parents, they were shocked and jealous. My mother then told me that they planned to finally get me one for my birthday this year. But it's too late! This is why I have the greatest boyfriend ever. He really did make the day special for me.
And I know that no other Valentine's Day will live up to this one because it was the first one I've ever really celebrated. But I can safely say that though I have eased up on my harsh feelings on matters of the heart, I still remain a skeptic of Valentine's Day. But I have to thank my wonderful boyfriend for temporarily making me see the holiday through rose colored glasses =D
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Wheels On the Bus...
Or train...or ferry...well not ferry. Ferries don't have wheels do they? I'll have to look into that. I don't think this will be a very long post but its something I've been thinking about the past few days. I'm from New York City. Staten Island to be specific and actually that's an important factor. I live on Staten Island but I work in Manhattan. Yep, I'm one of those commuter type of folks. Granted, I work nights so I don't go into work until the middle of the afternoon but honestly I think that traveling during the afternoon is an even bigger pain in the ass than commuting during rush hour. At least then, everything and everyone is prepared and expecting the large volume of people traveling. But in the middle of the afternoon, not so much. The other killer is the fact that I don't get off of work until what is pretty much considered "late night." Oh happy happy joy.
Since I live on Staten Island, most people assume I take the Staten Island Ferry. I do...occasionally. But I usually take the bus from my house into Brooklyn and then take the R train (and the N train) into the city. Why? Because the ferry in the middle of the afternoon is ridiculous. Most of the time it is one of the new ferries. Those are so cold and impersonal and terribly uncomfortable. Plus...there are tourists. And I'm not talking about at holiday times or times when you'd expect high tourist traffic. Oh no, this happens all year round. My question is...don't these people have lives and jobs? And don't their obnoxious children have school?! Tourists on the ferry are such a pain in the ass. I think they should create a separate ferry for them so they leave us poor mid-afternoon commuters alone. This is why I take the bus. It's generally peaceful save for the annoying teenagers or college kids. But I've learned how to ignore them for the most part. Unless they're being really bad. But more about that later.
When I take the ferry I'm a creature of habit. I mean I've been taking it for pretty much 23 years, except when I'm not in town. Even when I lived in Brooklyn I'd take the ferry back to visit friends, family, etc. Over these many years I've decided that I like to sit in certain parts of each ferry. What section, which seat, etc. I'm a little neurotic and maybe I have a little OCD. But whatever. Its more my habitual need for comfort. So, I do feel like my personal space has been invaded whenever people sit too close to me. But only if they're not with me. If my dad sat next to me I would not be bothered. The little girl I used to babysit always sat next to me which I thought was cute. But when a complete stranger sits right across from me or next to me it makes me annoyed and a bit uncomfortable. Especially if its not rush hour or a peak traveling time and there are plenty of other seats elsewhere. Take for example last night. I was traveling home from a very enjoyable evening with my friend Sarah and I got one of my favorite ferries. I love it because it is very warm in the winter. Mind you I'm on the 11pm ferry so it's not terribly crowded. While I'm catching up on the evening's tweets, these two foreign guys sit down directly across from me.
Let me say, I was not pleased. This particular ferry doesn't have very wide aisles and so with two strangers sitting right across from me, I feel cramped. There were plenty of other places for them to sit! And to make matters worse, one of them pulls out a banana and starts eating. Okay, I am not a fan of bananas and when I smell one I feel sick to my stomach. Even just smelling one in passing. Forget when it is right in my face. I was not a happy person. I know I probably sound like a whiny brat but I'm sorry. I should not have to be uncomfortable or annoyed on my trip home. That's why I don't like to eat while I travel; you never know who you may be offending with your food smells.
Then after the eventful and aggravating ferry ride, I take the bus home. I take the bus that has some of the most obnoxious passengers so I don't expect much. But I figured it was Thursday so maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I was terribly wrong. A very large group of very loud people proceed to get on my bus and talking obnoxiously loud their whole trip. Luckily they got off before me because I'd be so pissed if I spent my whole ride home with the people who believe using their outside voice is a way of life. I understand that they make have been traveling together or whatever but not everyone cares about their conversations. It's annoying and rude. Act like its 11 o'clock at night, not 11 o'clock in the morning. Loud travelers, no matter what time of the day is my biggest pet peeve, hence my comment about not liking to travel with teens.
All I want to say to my fellow commuters is please just be conscious of those around you. Just because you like to talk loud and eat bananas doesn't mean that everyone around you does too.
Since I live on Staten Island, most people assume I take the Staten Island Ferry. I do...occasionally. But I usually take the bus from my house into Brooklyn and then take the R train (and the N train) into the city. Why? Because the ferry in the middle of the afternoon is ridiculous. Most of the time it is one of the new ferries. Those are so cold and impersonal and terribly uncomfortable. Plus...there are tourists. And I'm not talking about at holiday times or times when you'd expect high tourist traffic. Oh no, this happens all year round. My question is...don't these people have lives and jobs? And don't their obnoxious children have school?! Tourists on the ferry are such a pain in the ass. I think they should create a separate ferry for them so they leave us poor mid-afternoon commuters alone. This is why I take the bus. It's generally peaceful save for the annoying teenagers or college kids. But I've learned how to ignore them for the most part. Unless they're being really bad. But more about that later.
When I take the ferry I'm a creature of habit. I mean I've been taking it for pretty much 23 years, except when I'm not in town. Even when I lived in Brooklyn I'd take the ferry back to visit friends, family, etc. Over these many years I've decided that I like to sit in certain parts of each ferry. What section, which seat, etc. I'm a little neurotic and maybe I have a little OCD. But whatever. Its more my habitual need for comfort. So, I do feel like my personal space has been invaded whenever people sit too close to me. But only if they're not with me. If my dad sat next to me I would not be bothered. The little girl I used to babysit always sat next to me which I thought was cute. But when a complete stranger sits right across from me or next to me it makes me annoyed and a bit uncomfortable. Especially if its not rush hour or a peak traveling time and there are plenty of other seats elsewhere. Take for example last night. I was traveling home from a very enjoyable evening with my friend Sarah and I got one of my favorite ferries. I love it because it is very warm in the winter. Mind you I'm on the 11pm ferry so it's not terribly crowded. While I'm catching up on the evening's tweets, these two foreign guys sit down directly across from me.
Let me say, I was not pleased. This particular ferry doesn't have very wide aisles and so with two strangers sitting right across from me, I feel cramped. There were plenty of other places for them to sit! And to make matters worse, one of them pulls out a banana and starts eating. Okay, I am not a fan of bananas and when I smell one I feel sick to my stomach. Even just smelling one in passing. Forget when it is right in my face. I was not a happy person. I know I probably sound like a whiny brat but I'm sorry. I should not have to be uncomfortable or annoyed on my trip home. That's why I don't like to eat while I travel; you never know who you may be offending with your food smells.
Then after the eventful and aggravating ferry ride, I take the bus home. I take the bus that has some of the most obnoxious passengers so I don't expect much. But I figured it was Thursday so maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I was terribly wrong. A very large group of very loud people proceed to get on my bus and talking obnoxiously loud their whole trip. Luckily they got off before me because I'd be so pissed if I spent my whole ride home with the people who believe using their outside voice is a way of life. I understand that they make have been traveling together or whatever but not everyone cares about their conversations. It's annoying and rude. Act like its 11 o'clock at night, not 11 o'clock in the morning. Loud travelers, no matter what time of the day is my biggest pet peeve, hence my comment about not liking to travel with teens.
All I want to say to my fellow commuters is please just be conscious of those around you. Just because you like to talk loud and eat bananas doesn't mean that everyone around you does too.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I'm Sorry, I Don't Believe In Calories
I'm baaaaaaaack! Happy 2010! I have been meaning to blog but life has been a bit...crazy lately and I haven't had much time. But I'm focused so I figured while I was I'd bang out a blog entry!
Well, now I'm sure you're wondering about the title of this entry. For anyone who reads this and doesn't know, I work in a cupcake bakery. They're all the rage in New York City lately. But it's a NY State rule that if a food service company has more than like 10 locations they are required to post the caloric intake of all the delicious baked goods being sold. Let me tell you this first: no, it has not effected business. Second, yes it's a pain in the tush when people asked me about the calorie counts on our products. One because I don't know! We didn't start posting calories until after I started working for the company and they didn't make us learn them or anything. They're printed on every sign in black and white. This does not stop people from of course asking a bazillion questions. When I tell them I don't know, most people (especially women) have the initial response "well of course YOU don't."
I want to stop and say "excuse me, but what is THAT supposed to mean?" I know what they mean but still. Yes, I realize that I'm slim and appear to be in good shape but that soooo does not matter. Yes, I'm sure people of my build like to count calories. I'm definitely not one of them but how do the people talking to me know that? I'm a firm believer in eating whatever you want because why starve yourself? Eventually we're all going to die anyway so why not be happy? Of course one should be healthy and such but come on, you have to indulge every once in awhile. And I'm not saying eat the whole cupcake at once. You have to create boundaries for yourself; not deny yourself what you really want because you're striving to fit some ideal body type.
Here's my philosophy on weight and body (especially for women), you shouldn't have to starve yourself to be happy. No one says that you have to fit an ideal body type and you shouldn't force yourself to fit one. You should be happy with what God gave you and as long as you're healthy, that should be enough. It makes me so sad when people look at me while I'm working and ask "how do you stay so thin working here?" and then I have to explain that one gets sick of cupcakes after working there for like four months. But still, when I want something, I have it! I don't stop myself from eating the brownie, I just portion myself. I don't freak out after I eat it or agonize and then force myself to repent on the treadmill the next day.
I feel that society places too much emphasis on being thin and not enough emphasis on being healthy. We as women are forced to believe that anything over a size six is fat. God forbid a woman is a size twelve, she is considered plus size! Plus size used to be a size sixteen or something. Isn't it crazy that what's considered bigger is getting smaller? Especially when women are getting bigger? What happened to the days when a curvier, larger framed woman was considered sexy? Its sad that to see this on television. Like Christina Hendricks on Mad Men. Now, that's sexy.
I would kill to be a little more full figured. I'm naturally thin, its in my genetic makeup. So I know I'm never going to be terribly heavy or full figured. People hate me for it but hey, its not something I can change. We have to give our fellow sisters support. But back to my points earlier, you should be happy with how you look! If you're not, no amount of calorie counting or running on the treadmill is going to change that. So have the big cupcake instead of the small one, eat that extra handful of M&Ms and smile! Tomorrow is not guaranteed so be happy today ladies!!
Well, now I'm sure you're wondering about the title of this entry. For anyone who reads this and doesn't know, I work in a cupcake bakery. They're all the rage in New York City lately. But it's a NY State rule that if a food service company has more than like 10 locations they are required to post the caloric intake of all the delicious baked goods being sold. Let me tell you this first: no, it has not effected business. Second, yes it's a pain in the tush when people asked me about the calorie counts on our products. One because I don't know! We didn't start posting calories until after I started working for the company and they didn't make us learn them or anything. They're printed on every sign in black and white. This does not stop people from of course asking a bazillion questions. When I tell them I don't know, most people (especially women) have the initial response "well of course YOU don't."
I want to stop and say "excuse me, but what is THAT supposed to mean?" I know what they mean but still. Yes, I realize that I'm slim and appear to be in good shape but that soooo does not matter. Yes, I'm sure people of my build like to count calories. I'm definitely not one of them but how do the people talking to me know that? I'm a firm believer in eating whatever you want because why starve yourself? Eventually we're all going to die anyway so why not be happy? Of course one should be healthy and such but come on, you have to indulge every once in awhile. And I'm not saying eat the whole cupcake at once. You have to create boundaries for yourself; not deny yourself what you really want because you're striving to fit some ideal body type.
Here's my philosophy on weight and body (especially for women), you shouldn't have to starve yourself to be happy. No one says that you have to fit an ideal body type and you shouldn't force yourself to fit one. You should be happy with what God gave you and as long as you're healthy, that should be enough. It makes me so sad when people look at me while I'm working and ask "how do you stay so thin working here?" and then I have to explain that one gets sick of cupcakes after working there for like four months. But still, when I want something, I have it! I don't stop myself from eating the brownie, I just portion myself. I don't freak out after I eat it or agonize and then force myself to repent on the treadmill the next day.
I feel that society places too much emphasis on being thin and not enough emphasis on being healthy. We as women are forced to believe that anything over a size six is fat. God forbid a woman is a size twelve, she is considered plus size! Plus size used to be a size sixteen or something. Isn't it crazy that what's considered bigger is getting smaller? Especially when women are getting bigger? What happened to the days when a curvier, larger framed woman was considered sexy? Its sad that to see this on television. Like Christina Hendricks on Mad Men. Now, that's sexy.
I would kill to be a little more full figured. I'm naturally thin, its in my genetic makeup. So I know I'm never going to be terribly heavy or full figured. People hate me for it but hey, its not something I can change. We have to give our fellow sisters support. But back to my points earlier, you should be happy with how you look! If you're not, no amount of calorie counting or running on the treadmill is going to change that. So have the big cupcake instead of the small one, eat that extra handful of M&Ms and smile! Tomorrow is not guaranteed so be happy today ladies!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
You Make My Heart Super Happy!
Okay, so that title is from a kids television show called Ni Hao Kai-Lan (do not judge me; I watched it a lot when I was a nanny). But I feel like it applies very well to the current life situation I've found myself in.
For anyone who actually knows me, you've probably figured out what's making me so happy. For those who don't know, I have a boyfriend. My first for reals, actually committed, big girl relationship. I've never had a boyfriend ever in my twenty three years of existence. But now I do and frankly, I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to try not to be too mushy but sometimes I honestly can't help it. I am so ridiculously happy that sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming. I know I sound super cheesy but I'm sure it'll wear off eventually. It's just so bizarre to me. Sure I've liked plenty of guys in the past but this is so very different than any experience I've ever had. I've finally figured out what people have told me about really liking someone and actually making a commitment to be with them.
Now, I am definitely one of the most cynical people I know, especially when it comes to men and relationships. I think it's because I've been burned so many times; I just put up a defensive wall instead of actually being open to a relationship. They say timing is everything though. After the situation I went through a couple months ago, I didn't think that I was ready to let anyone into my heart but I guess I was! And boy am I glad because I am seriously just one big ball of excitement, even when I'm mad, I'm still happy deep down inside. It really amazes me that one person can make me so infinitely full of joy. I need to stop saying the word happy lol. My joy is really just overwhelming sometimes; I didn't think I was capable of such things. But really I just think that more than anything, it's not actually having a boyfriend that's making me so happy, its the actual person.
I've always believed that when you find the right person for you it'll be as clear as day. Something just changes. When I was in college, I would dress and act a certain way when I knew I was going to see the guy I liked. Sure, it got his attention and it worked, but I always felt that I had to act a certain way after that. When I met Jon (that's my boyfriend's name for those who don't know), I was totally myself. I didn't really care much about impressing him, mainly because I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend (it's really true. you just have to be open and let these things come to you). We really just became good friends who enjoyed spending time with each other. I can honestly say that I don't remember when I started liking him, but it wasn't long after we met. Every story I told mentioned his name at least once. That's usually a good indicator of how much you like someone right? But for a really long time I had no idea if he liked me or not. I mean sure we kinda flirted but I flirt with everybody. When I asked a friend's opinion, she pretty much told me I was an idiot for not noticing that he was obviously into me. (have I mentioned I am horrible at telling if a guy likes me or not?)
Of course, I was still unsure. I mean, just because my friends thought he liked me didn't actually mean he did right? It took awhile before I was really sure. It wasn't until he started texting me like every day. We would talk for hours on top of the hours we had already been talking to each other. And we'd talk about EVERYTHING that came to mind. For the first time probably ever, I was totally comfortable being myself. I never put on an act and dressed or talked a certain way. Even after I figured out that he probably liked me. He liked me even if I was a huge dork. He thinks all my little quirks are "interesting." He thinks I'm funny and cool and likes being around me. I don't think I've ever really liked a guy who genuinely thought I was cool. I don't really think I'm cool, but who am I to judge his taste? =P
I've always said that whatever guy likes me and wants to be with me must be crazy because of all of the ridiculous issues that I have. That an my neurotic tendencies. But they don't phase him. Whenever something comes up, we talk about it, he reassures me that it doesn't matter to him and then we move on. And I always feel better. I know that I can be 100% honest with him and it won't scare him off (he actually appreciates that I don't hide any of my feelings. I really did this to force him to tell me he liked me but hey, it's working so I'll stick with it). But why lie to someone you really care about? This is what I've learned about relationships, when you're open and honest about your feelings, you get the same thing back. If you hold back anything, you can expect the person you're with to do the same thing. To me, honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. No one is a mind reader and if you're afraid to tell the person you're with what you're thinking or feeling, how are they going to know.
Now, that's why I can say I'm the happiest I've ever been! I'm with someone who is happy to be with me too. We are kind of ridiculously cheesy most of the time but it's cute. We like to hold hands and I love when he kisses me on the forehead or gives me hugs. I'm finally like one of those couples that I used to make fun of walking down the street (okay I admit sometimes I still make fun of them but I can't help it!). I get butterflies when we kiss and nothing makes my day better than seeing him smile. I'm with a wonderful, amazing, smart, funny, cute guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Who wouldn't be happy?
"the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." ~Juno~
For anyone who actually knows me, you've probably figured out what's making me so happy. For those who don't know, I have a boyfriend. My first for reals, actually committed, big girl relationship. I've never had a boyfriend ever in my twenty three years of existence. But now I do and frankly, I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to try not to be too mushy but sometimes I honestly can't help it. I am so ridiculously happy that sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming. I know I sound super cheesy but I'm sure it'll wear off eventually. It's just so bizarre to me. Sure I've liked plenty of guys in the past but this is so very different than any experience I've ever had. I've finally figured out what people have told me about really liking someone and actually making a commitment to be with them.
Now, I am definitely one of the most cynical people I know, especially when it comes to men and relationships. I think it's because I've been burned so many times; I just put up a defensive wall instead of actually being open to a relationship. They say timing is everything though. After the situation I went through a couple months ago, I didn't think that I was ready to let anyone into my heart but I guess I was! And boy am I glad because I am seriously just one big ball of excitement, even when I'm mad, I'm still happy deep down inside. It really amazes me that one person can make me so infinitely full of joy. I need to stop saying the word happy lol. My joy is really just overwhelming sometimes; I didn't think I was capable of such things. But really I just think that more than anything, it's not actually having a boyfriend that's making me so happy, its the actual person.
I've always believed that when you find the right person for you it'll be as clear as day. Something just changes. When I was in college, I would dress and act a certain way when I knew I was going to see the guy I liked. Sure, it got his attention and it worked, but I always felt that I had to act a certain way after that. When I met Jon (that's my boyfriend's name for those who don't know), I was totally myself. I didn't really care much about impressing him, mainly because I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend (it's really true. you just have to be open and let these things come to you). We really just became good friends who enjoyed spending time with each other. I can honestly say that I don't remember when I started liking him, but it wasn't long after we met. Every story I told mentioned his name at least once. That's usually a good indicator of how much you like someone right? But for a really long time I had no idea if he liked me or not. I mean sure we kinda flirted but I flirt with everybody. When I asked a friend's opinion, she pretty much told me I was an idiot for not noticing that he was obviously into me. (have I mentioned I am horrible at telling if a guy likes me or not?)
Of course, I was still unsure. I mean, just because my friends thought he liked me didn't actually mean he did right? It took awhile before I was really sure. It wasn't until he started texting me like every day. We would talk for hours on top of the hours we had already been talking to each other. And we'd talk about EVERYTHING that came to mind. For the first time probably ever, I was totally comfortable being myself. I never put on an act and dressed or talked a certain way. Even after I figured out that he probably liked me. He liked me even if I was a huge dork. He thinks all my little quirks are "interesting." He thinks I'm funny and cool and likes being around me. I don't think I've ever really liked a guy who genuinely thought I was cool. I don't really think I'm cool, but who am I to judge his taste? =P
I've always said that whatever guy likes me and wants to be with me must be crazy because of all of the ridiculous issues that I have. That an my neurotic tendencies. But they don't phase him. Whenever something comes up, we talk about it, he reassures me that it doesn't matter to him and then we move on. And I always feel better. I know that I can be 100% honest with him and it won't scare him off (he actually appreciates that I don't hide any of my feelings. I really did this to force him to tell me he liked me but hey, it's working so I'll stick with it). But why lie to someone you really care about? This is what I've learned about relationships, when you're open and honest about your feelings, you get the same thing back. If you hold back anything, you can expect the person you're with to do the same thing. To me, honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. No one is a mind reader and if you're afraid to tell the person you're with what you're thinking or feeling, how are they going to know.
Now, that's why I can say I'm the happiest I've ever been! I'm with someone who is happy to be with me too. We are kind of ridiculously cheesy most of the time but it's cute. We like to hold hands and I love when he kisses me on the forehead or gives me hugs. I'm finally like one of those couples that I used to make fun of walking down the street (okay I admit sometimes I still make fun of them but I can't help it!). I get butterflies when we kiss and nothing makes my day better than seeing him smile. I'm with a wonderful, amazing, smart, funny, cute guy who makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Who wouldn't be happy?
"the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." ~Juno~
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Power of Friendship
Today I spent a lovely afternoon with two of my best friends. These two ladies, Christine and Amanda have been my best friends my whole life. I'm not even kidding. Each of us is approximately nine months apart in age. We like to say that we were born for each other.
Over the years we haven't always been in touch or seen each other on a regular basis but it has never changed the amount of love that we have for each other. These were the two people who taught me how to be a friend and its just so wonderful to be able to still have that continuing bond. Each of our lives have taken many interesting turns...Christine is married with two kids, Amanda just got engaged and lives in Connecticut and me? Well I'm still very single but I'm not bitter. I support my girls no matter what. The coolest thing to me is that despite the fact that we are three completely different people with completely different lives, it doesn't seem to have changed our friendship. Sure, it means that we don't get the time to talk as much as we'd like but we will always pick up like no time has passed at all.
Today was the first time the three of us have really spent time together since we were all teenagers. It was so great to be able to be together and talk about how much things have changed but we're still the same three people in our core. We love talking about our younger days and all the silly things we did and said and we talk about our lives now and how weird it is that we're all adults now. Amanda was hilariously overwhelmed by Christine's two young sons while I just got down on the floor and played with the little guys.
Honestly I think the most interesting and important about our friendship is that regardless of anything...time, distance, growing up, etc. we still really want to be a part of each others' lives. I have other close friends who i don't get to spend much time with that I felt like I've grown apart from considerably. Mainly because they want me to be a part of their life when they want. And we let our growing up and choosing other paths change things. I was one of the first people Christine told when she got pregnant with her younger son Christopher and I was her witness when she got married. I was one of the first people Amanda called when she got engaged. And when these things happen to me they'll be the first people I call. We're there to support each other no matter what. We three are the true definition of from cradle to grave.
And I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have a friendship like ours. I consider those two girls my sisters and I know they feel the same about me. Its a really beautiful thing.
Over the years we haven't always been in touch or seen each other on a regular basis but it has never changed the amount of love that we have for each other. These were the two people who taught me how to be a friend and its just so wonderful to be able to still have that continuing bond. Each of our lives have taken many interesting turns...Christine is married with two kids, Amanda just got engaged and lives in Connecticut and me? Well I'm still very single but I'm not bitter. I support my girls no matter what. The coolest thing to me is that despite the fact that we are three completely different people with completely different lives, it doesn't seem to have changed our friendship. Sure, it means that we don't get the time to talk as much as we'd like but we will always pick up like no time has passed at all.
Today was the first time the three of us have really spent time together since we were all teenagers. It was so great to be able to be together and talk about how much things have changed but we're still the same three people in our core. We love talking about our younger days and all the silly things we did and said and we talk about our lives now and how weird it is that we're all adults now. Amanda was hilariously overwhelmed by Christine's two young sons while I just got down on the floor and played with the little guys.
Honestly I think the most interesting and important about our friendship is that regardless of anything...time, distance, growing up, etc. we still really want to be a part of each others' lives. I have other close friends who i don't get to spend much time with that I felt like I've grown apart from considerably. Mainly because they want me to be a part of their life when they want. And we let our growing up and choosing other paths change things. I was one of the first people Christine told when she got pregnant with her younger son Christopher and I was her witness when she got married. I was one of the first people Amanda called when she got engaged. And when these things happen to me they'll be the first people I call. We're there to support each other no matter what. We three are the true definition of from cradle to grave.
And I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have a friendship like ours. I consider those two girls my sisters and I know they feel the same about me. Its a really beautiful thing.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Time Keeps Ticking Into the Future
This is going to be hopefully a quick but insightful and meaningful blog (i almost wrote tweet. i spend too much time on twitter)
I was just online looking at baby stuff to buy as a gift for my first friend from college to have a baby. I love her to death and she's one of my best friends and so I'm terribly thrilled and excited but at the same time I'm scared to death! Mainly because it reminds me that me and my friends are getting older and it freaks me out...a lot. I'm not really prepared for time to go by so quickly. It's like we were freshman five minutes ago and I was holding her hair back while she puked her guts out at a wild cast party and now she's going to be a mommy.
Granted she isn't the first friend I have that is having a baby but for some reason this just seems so different. Maybe it's because she's my first friend from college. College that we only left not even a year and a half ago. It's way different. We graduated together, got our degrees at the same time and set out for the world as real live bonafide grownups at the same time. My other friends who have children are friends from outside of school. Still two of my best friends but it's different. It's still scary because they were younger than we are now and I was younger and I've known both of them my whole life.
This whole growing up thing is really tricky. I don't exactly know how to handle it from day to day. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm twenty three. I'm past school and homework and everyone telling me what to do. But then for all of that freedom I get bills and jobs and friends settling down and getting married and having babies. That is seriously scary. Mainly because it reminds me that there's really no going back, only hurdling forward at top speed with no way to stop. I recently turned to my mom and said "stop this ride, I want to get off." I wasn't on a roller coaster or anything. The this thing I was referring to is my life. Sometimes I really wish I could stop the clock just for one second. Just one second to breathe and stay in one place. Every minute that ticks by is one more minute I'm never going to get back. It's one more minute to make something happen.
It's funny. My friends and I freak out that we're only a stone's throw from twenty five and while we talk about lavish parties and all, I have a feeling that I'll want to spend the day in bed hiding under the covers. Growing up is a scary thing but there's no way to stop it. My heart thumps a little faster every time I see a new friend on Facebook is engaged or someone else I know has a baby. It makes me realize that time is going by way too fast and I really need to enjoy it because one morning I'm going to wake up and I'll be fifty and I'll say "holy shit, when did this happen?!"
And as I sit and watch the minutes tick away from my life, it makes me think about all of the things I want to accomplish before I can't. I don't know how many more breaths I have left and I feel like I need to make each one of them count. I feel like I need to correct mistakes from my past as well as make new memories for my future. As you grow older you begin to realize that your time on Earth is not infinite. Make each second count for something. And it's okay to be afraid of getting older. The future is a scary place. But we can't really stop it from coming.
I was just online looking at baby stuff to buy as a gift for my first friend from college to have a baby. I love her to death and she's one of my best friends and so I'm terribly thrilled and excited but at the same time I'm scared to death! Mainly because it reminds me that me and my friends are getting older and it freaks me out...a lot. I'm not really prepared for time to go by so quickly. It's like we were freshman five minutes ago and I was holding her hair back while she puked her guts out at a wild cast party and now she's going to be a mommy.
Granted she isn't the first friend I have that is having a baby but for some reason this just seems so different. Maybe it's because she's my first friend from college. College that we only left not even a year and a half ago. It's way different. We graduated together, got our degrees at the same time and set out for the world as real live bonafide grownups at the same time. My other friends who have children are friends from outside of school. Still two of my best friends but it's different. It's still scary because they were younger than we are now and I was younger and I've known both of them my whole life.
This whole growing up thing is really tricky. I don't exactly know how to handle it from day to day. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm twenty three. I'm past school and homework and everyone telling me what to do. But then for all of that freedom I get bills and jobs and friends settling down and getting married and having babies. That is seriously scary. Mainly because it reminds me that there's really no going back, only hurdling forward at top speed with no way to stop. I recently turned to my mom and said "stop this ride, I want to get off." I wasn't on a roller coaster or anything. The this thing I was referring to is my life. Sometimes I really wish I could stop the clock just for one second. Just one second to breathe and stay in one place. Every minute that ticks by is one more minute I'm never going to get back. It's one more minute to make something happen.
It's funny. My friends and I freak out that we're only a stone's throw from twenty five and while we talk about lavish parties and all, I have a feeling that I'll want to spend the day in bed hiding under the covers. Growing up is a scary thing but there's no way to stop it. My heart thumps a little faster every time I see a new friend on Facebook is engaged or someone else I know has a baby. It makes me realize that time is going by way too fast and I really need to enjoy it because one morning I'm going to wake up and I'll be fifty and I'll say "holy shit, when did this happen?!"
And as I sit and watch the minutes tick away from my life, it makes me think about all of the things I want to accomplish before I can't. I don't know how many more breaths I have left and I feel like I need to make each one of them count. I feel like I need to correct mistakes from my past as well as make new memories for my future. As you grow older you begin to realize that your time on Earth is not infinite. Make each second count for something. And it's okay to be afraid of getting older. The future is a scary place. But we can't really stop it from coming.
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