Good Touch, Bad Touch

So, it's Senior Week. Basically, it's a time for all of us graduating/graduated people to get together and be together one last time before we're all really really adults. I should be out with my friends right now, but sadly, my fundage is dwindling fast and I need $$ for girl time tomorrow. So far, Senior Week has been fantastic. I've been able to spend time with friends new and old (yes, I would be the one who would manage to make friends the week before graduation) and have a wonderful time celebrating everything I have accomplished over four years.

The most interesting thing about this whole experience is seeing people that I haven't seen over time for various reasons. Or rather, seeing people I haven't wanted to see over the years for various reasons. The people I didn't want to see are what I call "Bad Life Decisions".

Bad Life Decisions = boys I hooked up with (I don't regret them though. I don't believe in regret) who may not have been the smartest choice or boys I almost hooked up with, or boys that liked me or boys that I liked. Okay, most of my bad life decisions are male. It's true. That's just the reality of life. But there are some girls thrown in there. Friendships that ended badly, people who screwed me over, you get it.

Good Life Decisions = people I'm friends with now. People who love me unconditionally for the person I am and the things we share. The people who are just amazing to be around and who make me infinitely happy.

Facing a lot of those bad life decisions have made me realize how much I've grown up over the past four years. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I started college. I don't think anyone ever is. I don't think I've completely figured out who I am either. But then again, I don't think we ever do honestly. Once you've completely figured yourself out, you die. Well, maybe not but I feel that throughout life you're constantly learning about yourself. So yeah. I've changed. Good or bad, who cares? I like the me I am now. Even though I liked the me I was then. Each of those bad life decisions taught me something more about who I am.

I definitely would not make some of the mistakes I made throughout college now. But that's mainly because I learned from them when I made them before. I feel like I better know the difference between a hook-up and a relationship, and between a friend and an acquaintance. I can now assess a situation at the beginning for what it's going to be and not for what it could be.

I've also learned how to find the people who are going to be there for you no matter what. Seeing some of my friends for the first time in four months, it feels like I saw them last week, except we keep saying "I've missed you so much!". The people I'm friends with now accept me for who I am and only pass friendly, teasing judgment that is not meant to be taken seriously. They are people I can trust to not turn on me when the times get tough and to stick it out and wait for the storm to pass. I feel like I re-learn this every few years because as you get older and become the person you're supposed to become, you realize how the people in your life have to reflect those changes. Well, not all of them of course. It's those people who are a dime a dozen, a diamond in the rough even (I love rolling off with cliches when I talk. I amuse myself). Those are the best life decisions.

Graduation

Well kids, since today is exactly two months from my graduation, I figured let's talk about that, shall we?

Frankly, I cannot believe that I'm graduating in two months. It felt like it was going to be a thousand years before it actually happened. I mean, this time four years ago, I didn't even know what school I was going to yet. I didn't find out/decide on Emerson until April I believe. And now, here I am, talking to my mom on the the phone at painstaking length about tickets and invitations and dinners and dresses. A-C-K. With the date pending, I can't help but think about the beginning and how far I've come (or rather, how much has changed). Of course, I had heard lots of things about college (most of them from tv. not many people went to college, let alone graduated in the four year time span.) I was excited, but that was mostly because I was going away. That meant that I was free to like do my own thing and make new friends and stuff.

just a side note: I have a terrible habit of going to a new school and pretty much getting all new friends. I don't mean to do it, but usually there is some reason. Namely, I move away and suck at keeping in touch with people. I'm trying to work on it though. But I'll explore this more deeply in my 'friend' post. Look out for it.

Okay, so college. It has been really fun actually. I mean, when I'm not doing homework or in class. Moreso in class because I suck at doing homework. Seriously. I suck. I have learned a lot and I have made some great friends. I've also gotten to have some awesome experiences. One of them was definitely going to LA. Actually, I think that was the most awesome experience of my life. EVER. Loved every minute of it. And the fact that I got to do it through school is even more exciting because I got to give LA a test drive. I will definitely be moving back there eventually. But we'll talk more about that in the 'Acting' post. See? I've been planning things here.

But now, things are almost over. I think I'm getting to the hardest part of it all really. Senioritis is kicking in and I'm running out of motivation. But I want to graduate with a 3.5 gpa. See my dilemma? I just have to keep pushing through. Righ after spring break is always hard. Speaking of spring break, you know what else bugs me about graduation? Lasts. Last Thanksgiving break, last Christmas break, last Spring Break. It's my last winter in Boston (actually, I'm not sad about that. This place sucks when it's cold). Or my last St. Patrick's Day here (and the first that I was actually old enough to drink). My last mid-terms (not that I had any). I think senior year is always marked with lasts. But it was different in high school. You knew you still had 4 more years of school. Sunday was my last Greyhound ride to school. Unless I go home next month for some reason. I just don't know what I'm going to do on my last day of classes. Hide? Cry? Have a party? Probably the latter, lol.

And then there's the whole post-graduation. I can't tell you how many times people have asked me what I'm going to do when I graduate. I'd say maybe once a week? Maybe a little more, a little less depending. But yeah. It's my least favorite question. For awhile, it seemed like all me and my friends could talk about what we're going to do after graduation. For future reference, I'm graduating, moving the hell out of Boston, going home to NYC, living with my parents rent free until I can't stand it and getting a job. I'll probably start auditioning in September. There. Don't ask me again or I will shoot you. I promise. Frankly one of my most important things is getting a job because the student loan people don't care about me going off to find myself. They're gonna want their money come November so I better have it ready for them. S-C-A-R-Y. But I will make it. I'm not really worried actually. Well I am, but I guess I have no choice but to be ready. It's coming and I can't stop it. Graduation is like a runaway train.

First post

Well, let's see, what to talk about today? Hmm. how about gender class? It was quite interesting actually.

Okay, so to set up this post, here's the backstory on class. It's broken down into three sections: beauty pageants as a standard of femininity, professtional wrestling as a standard of masculinity, and hair. Before sporing break, we started talking about wrestling. We're still working on it. Which leads me back to where I started.

So, I know a little bit about professional wrestling. My little cousin watches it (or at least did the last time I saw him) and a friend's dad is a professional wrestler. Like wrestled for the WWE and such. I've seen an episode or two in my day and I have always thought it was kind of silly. I mean, I'm also thinking about what I knew in the past. When I was younger, the only wrestlers I knew were Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage (remember those slim jim commericals? yum). And then, there were all of those guys from when I was in intermediate school. The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Undertaker. Most of the guys in my class liked them (or at least the dorky ones did). Actually, in my 8th grade yearbook, the most popular quote as voted on by my class was "Do you smell what The Rock is cookin'?" (it was actually "no sex til you're 35, but they couldn't publish the word sex in an 8th grade yearbook, but I digress) So, I had an idea that this medium existed. I did not live under a rock. But I also didn't care about it.

The only person I knew who was really into it was my little cousin. And he really like(s/d) it. I mean, this kid went all out. He had the little action figures of the dudes, and a stage for them to wrestle on. Then, while he would watch it on tv, he'd play with the little action figures. I thought it was borderline obsession and a little crazy but who am I to judge? For fans, it seems that wrestling is a way of life. I also learned that watching this video in class today.

And now we've gotten way back to where I started. Class today. So we watching this video Wrestling With Manhood. It was made by a professor at UMass Amherst and it was actaully really interesting. Well, when it wasn't showing that absolutely grotesque clips of WWF/WWE wrestling. I was shocked/horrifed at some of the things that I saw. Not the violence of professional wrestling because we all know that most of the fighting is fake. It has to be. Most of those moves would instantly kill people at the most extreme. At the least, they would bleed. I was more disturbed by the "storylines" created for the characters/wrestlers. I mean, it was insane. There's the obvious question of manhood and what it means to be a man. Something that they deal with in an incredibly primative way if you ask me. Men are supposed to be the pinnacle of strength with these guys. Not necessarily a good provider/citizen, but a guy who will step up to the plate and kick another guy's ass. And we know the show has a predominately male audience so you can see where I'm going with this guys. These wrestlers are telling the men and boys who are watching that they're only a man if they fight. And kick ass, and potentially kill someone. I mean, you should hear some of the stuff these wrestlers say to each other. Of course it's scripted but someone has to be told to write it and what to write. So my question was, why would they want to perpetuate these stereotypes? And ancient ones at that.

One of the other things that interested/frightened me was the homophobic comments/homoerotic undertones on the show. If one wrestler wanted to emasculate another, he would say things to insinuate that the other was gay or less than manly by using words like "sissy" and "bitch". They use bitch a lot. It was shocking. Especially when they talked about the "gay" wrestling characters they had on the shows. One way of further emasculating them was to strip them of their clothes. It was incredible not just to see this but to see the reaction of the audience. They were screaming and cheering on the attackers. Then in video interviews, the fans were calling the gay characters "fag" and "homo" and stuff. This only continues to make gay bashing okay. Frankly, it sickens me.

And don't even get me started on what they say about/do to women. It is disgusting. In the world of professional wrestling, women are nothing more than objects for men to ridicule and abuse. One example of this disgusting practice was between Trish Stratus and Vince McMahon. Trish has done something to upset McMahon and so he decides to make her beg (literally beg) for his forgiveness. He makes her get down on her hands and knees and bark like a dog, before making her strip all of her clothes off. Let me ask you, how does this prove that she is sorry? And before that, he let his daughter, another character/wrestler Stephanie McMahon cover Trish in vomit and dunk her head in it. Then he proceeds to say that he did it because Trish is "trash" and a "slut". Sure, it's okay to violate a woman because she's "a slut." Fuck that. You're trash for even thinking that way Mr. McMahon. And don't get me started on Stephanie. Her "husband"/boyfriend at the time was Triple H. And he basically beat the shit out of her. Oh yes, let's make spousal abuse okay too while we're at it. There's nothing wrong with beating your wife. Not at all. Ahh, it makes me so angry.

Yes, I know that all of this is fake and it's made for entertainment purposes, but look what it's telling its audience. An audience that includes impressionable children. It is saying that all of this stuff, violence, homophobia, and abuse of women is okay because there are never any consequences. The kicker is that they compare it to soap operas. But if something like this happens on a soap opera, there are repercussions for the actions of the wrongdoers. And here, there aren't. Five minutes later, it's like nothing happened. Then one guy they interviewed told the interviewer that he let's his 4 year old daughter watch wrestling. He's like "this stuff happens, welcome to the real world." Are you kidding me?

Anyway, that was my first post. Feel free to leave comments good or bad. I won't be offended.