Remember back in May when I wrote that post about that guy who turned out to be king of the douche colony? Yeah, so do I.
I took tonight out to do some emotional purging. I scoured through my Facebook and read every message, wall post, whatever I could find from him. (I do find it annoying though that one cannot see wall-to-wall if you are no longer FB friends with the person) I didn't delete them because I feel like this is an ongoing process. It's not something that is going to happen once and then I will be magically cured. Its been about two months since it all ended and I've been dealing with it really well. Every so often he'll creep back into my thoughts and then I remember how everything ended. The only reason I chose today to purge is because my dad asked me if we still talked. A simple "He doesn't exist." kept my parents from prying but a part of me wanted to tell them. I wanted to say this jerk took total advantage of my fragile emotional state. But what would that have done? Absolutely nothing.
This healing process is a process for me and me alone. Every few months I will sit and look back at all of those ridiculously sappy "I love you's" and "You're beautifuls" and everything that could have been a total lie. It's not like I'll ever find out the truth. And I think that's my main reason for this emotional purging. I'll never find out the truth. I won't get to find out if any of those "I love you's" or "you're beautifuls" were true. Because reading back that message it's hard to tell how much of it was true and how much of it was a defense mechanism. It's hard to tell someone the truth. It's hard to hear the truth. And I also know that it's hard to look at your own reflection after you've heard the truth. So who knows? But I will purge and I will reflect and I will keep positive (except for those few comments that will make me scream "You jerk!" at my computer screen. hey, a little yelling is healthy =P)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Man in the Mirror
Today, the music industry lost a legend. I still can't believe that Michael Jackson is dead. It just doesn't seem real. I mean, he was only 50...not much older than my mom. And he was getting ready to do all those shows in London...its such a tragedy.
Its hard to remember any part of my life without Michael Jackson's music...probably because he became famous before my parents even met each other, lol. Like I said, he's not even a whole year older than my mom so she felt like they grew up together. But really, my entire childhood was dominated by his presence. I'm a product of the 80s, which is without argument, the pinnacle of his extraordinary visions. I remember being scared shitless by the "Thriller" video (to be honest, I still am to this day. It was obviously being played before and my dad came in and tried to scare me by putting it on. I was luckily reading a book but he got a nice smack from me) but I also remember loving "Bad" and "Beat It".
When I was about nine or ten, my uncle Mike (mom's brother) gave me a five disc stereo for my new bedroom. I was so excited. That was the age I had really started to discover my immense and intense love for music. I noticed with the stereo he gave me a single CD...Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall." OTW was his first official solo album, which came out in 1979. My favorite song from that album is definitely "Rock With You" but I remember coming home and blasting that album and dancing around the house with both of my parents. It was always one I listened to on a Friday afternoon after school because the title track is definitely one of those "whoo-hoo its the weekend kind of songs." A lot of people don't know that my first CD ever was Michael Jackson but I always thought it was so cool. It was also super cool that the Jackson 5 was on the soundtrack to my favorite movie "Now and Then." I would warble along to "I'll Be There" at the top of my lungs.
There have been a lot of times in my life that I can recall one of his songs being a big part of it. I can remember being a little kid and my mom dancing to "Smooth Criminal" in a dance recital. She even had a hat like Michael's. I thought she was just the coolest. I remember the video for "Black or White" and all the cool morphing faces. In the third grade when we had to learn to play the stupid song flute and I remember getting insanely excited when we got to learn and play the Free Willy song "Will You Be There". For a long time I could still play parts of it and would steal my little cousins' flute to play it. Then of course who could forget the final ballet scene in the movie "Centerstage?" "The Way You Make Me Feel" made me want to do ballet which is definitely my least favorite style of dance. That was always one of my favorite songs and I was so stoked to see it in a movie I liked so much.
Then at the 2001 MTV VMAs when Michael performed with *NSYNC...I thought I would die from excitement. Here I was sitting at home watching Michael Jackson perform with *NSYNC, a band who had always been so vocal in their love for him. In their Disney concert, they mixed "Rock With You" into their song "Crazy For You." Honestly that could have been the moment I fell in love with them. I felt so special sitting there watching them get to fulfill one of their dreams. It truly warmed my geeky little heart. I remember MTV premiering the video for "You Rock My World" and actually sitting there like "this guy is ridiculous!" I mean he was incredible. I actually forgot about watching that until just now.
Now, there are a few songs of his that are tinged with sadness for me. Not just because of his passing but because of the part his music played in a certain relationship I had. The song "Butterflies" reminds me of falling in love for the first time. I used to listen to it and curl up in my bed thinking about the guy I was madly in love with and wondering if he'd be listening to the song too (he was a huge MJ fan). It did happen once where we were both listening to the song and I was definitely thanking Michael for writing it because it described how I was feeling. For a long time when he called me my phone rang "The Way You Make Me Feel" (it was the only MJ ringtone T-Mobile had that was appropriate). Only a few weeks ago, my friends and I were screaming "Dirty Diana" at a party. I held hands with my oldest sister while we both sang every word to "P.Y.T." twice in a fine moment of sisterly solidarity that we've never shared before? IT was great because it was finally something we had in common.
When I think of just how much our lives have all been impacted by this man, this absolute visionary, whether we know it or not, it is an incredibly humbling experience. He's influenced every musical artist regardless of genre in the past thirty or so years. He brought together all kinds of music from having Eddie Van Halen play the guitar on "Beat It" to Slash being featured on "Black or White" . His albums defied what people thought pop music could ever be and definitely broke the expectations audiences had of a black artist. He made MTV a staple even though at first they wouldn't play his music videos. He brought together all kinds of people to record "We Are the World" as one of his many humanitarian efforts. He created the moonwalk and the robot, two dance moves people will try to imitate forever. So what if his best friend was a chimp? (and a damn cute one at that) Who cared if he was a little weird? I certainly didn't and trust me, I spent the better portion of my childhood completely frightened of the man. I had so many visions of the future, being rich and famous and having Michael over for lunch to ask him so many questions...like what was it like to work with a rat? And to sing a song about one? And why did he wear black shoes with white socks? And what was with the military jackets? Why only one glove? How did it become sparkly? Did someone bedazzle it? Why did you call it the moonwalk? I mean, I guess it sounded better than that thing where I slide across the floor. And why the hell did you say "ch-mon" Michael? These are questions I won't get to ask him and bring back an answer for. I just picture him up in Heaven, hanging out with Bubbles and walking across the moon. Thank you Michael, for everything.
Its hard to remember any part of my life without Michael Jackson's music...probably because he became famous before my parents even met each other, lol. Like I said, he's not even a whole year older than my mom so she felt like they grew up together. But really, my entire childhood was dominated by his presence. I'm a product of the 80s, which is without argument, the pinnacle of his extraordinary visions. I remember being scared shitless by the "Thriller" video (to be honest, I still am to this day. It was obviously being played before and my dad came in and tried to scare me by putting it on. I was luckily reading a book but he got a nice smack from me) but I also remember loving "Bad" and "Beat It".
When I was about nine or ten, my uncle Mike (mom's brother) gave me a five disc stereo for my new bedroom. I was so excited. That was the age I had really started to discover my immense and intense love for music. I noticed with the stereo he gave me a single CD...Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall." OTW was his first official solo album, which came out in 1979. My favorite song from that album is definitely "Rock With You" but I remember coming home and blasting that album and dancing around the house with both of my parents. It was always one I listened to on a Friday afternoon after school because the title track is definitely one of those "whoo-hoo its the weekend kind of songs." A lot of people don't know that my first CD ever was Michael Jackson but I always thought it was so cool. It was also super cool that the Jackson 5 was on the soundtrack to my favorite movie "Now and Then." I would warble along to "I'll Be There" at the top of my lungs.
There have been a lot of times in my life that I can recall one of his songs being a big part of it. I can remember being a little kid and my mom dancing to "Smooth Criminal" in a dance recital. She even had a hat like Michael's. I thought she was just the coolest. I remember the video for "Black or White" and all the cool morphing faces. In the third grade when we had to learn to play the stupid song flute and I remember getting insanely excited when we got to learn and play the Free Willy song "Will You Be There". For a long time I could still play parts of it and would steal my little cousins' flute to play it. Then of course who could forget the final ballet scene in the movie "Centerstage?" "The Way You Make Me Feel" made me want to do ballet which is definitely my least favorite style of dance. That was always one of my favorite songs and I was so stoked to see it in a movie I liked so much.
Then at the 2001 MTV VMAs when Michael performed with *NSYNC...I thought I would die from excitement. Here I was sitting at home watching Michael Jackson perform with *NSYNC, a band who had always been so vocal in their love for him. In their Disney concert, they mixed "Rock With You" into their song "Crazy For You." Honestly that could have been the moment I fell in love with them. I felt so special sitting there watching them get to fulfill one of their dreams. It truly warmed my geeky little heart. I remember MTV premiering the video for "You Rock My World" and actually sitting there like "this guy is ridiculous!" I mean he was incredible. I actually forgot about watching that until just now.
Now, there are a few songs of his that are tinged with sadness for me. Not just because of his passing but because of the part his music played in a certain relationship I had. The song "Butterflies" reminds me of falling in love for the first time. I used to listen to it and curl up in my bed thinking about the guy I was madly in love with and wondering if he'd be listening to the song too (he was a huge MJ fan). It did happen once where we were both listening to the song and I was definitely thanking Michael for writing it because it described how I was feeling. For a long time when he called me my phone rang "The Way You Make Me Feel" (it was the only MJ ringtone T-Mobile had that was appropriate). Only a few weeks ago, my friends and I were screaming "Dirty Diana" at a party. I held hands with my oldest sister while we both sang every word to "P.Y.T." twice in a fine moment of sisterly solidarity that we've never shared before? IT was great because it was finally something we had in common.
When I think of just how much our lives have all been impacted by this man, this absolute visionary, whether we know it or not, it is an incredibly humbling experience. He's influenced every musical artist regardless of genre in the past thirty or so years. He brought together all kinds of music from having Eddie Van Halen play the guitar on "Beat It" to Slash being featured on "Black or White" . His albums defied what people thought pop music could ever be and definitely broke the expectations audiences had of a black artist. He made MTV a staple even though at first they wouldn't play his music videos. He brought together all kinds of people to record "We Are the World" as one of his many humanitarian efforts. He created the moonwalk and the robot, two dance moves people will try to imitate forever. So what if his best friend was a chimp? (and a damn cute one at that) Who cared if he was a little weird? I certainly didn't and trust me, I spent the better portion of my childhood completely frightened of the man. I had so many visions of the future, being rich and famous and having Michael over for lunch to ask him so many questions...like what was it like to work with a rat? And to sing a song about one? And why did he wear black shoes with white socks? And what was with the military jackets? Why only one glove? How did it become sparkly? Did someone bedazzle it? Why did you call it the moonwalk? I mean, I guess it sounded better than that thing where I slide across the floor. And why the hell did you say "ch-mon" Michael? These are questions I won't get to ask him and bring back an answer for. I just picture him up in Heaven, hanging out with Bubbles and walking across the moon. Thank you Michael, for everything.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Too Many Words Inside My Head
Well, I'm back...for now. I have horrible trouble keeping up with this bloody thing. Mainly because I'm always thinking about so many great topics and then either a) don't have the time to write a blog, b) don't have the motivation to write a blog or c) all of the above. It's more often than not c. I'm currently writing my first novel and that takes up a lot of my brain power. And sometimes I'm physically wide awake but my brain has puttered out on me many hours before. I need to stop thinking so well in the middle of the night.
Right now I just wanted to touch base and say that I'm not dead but my brain is a little and hopefully I'll be back soon to really kick start this blog with a vengeance. In the meanwhile, check me out on twitter: twitter.com/nycstylegal. I'm actually really witty and funny throughout the day. And you might see some potential blog topics on there. I'm saying it here and now...July 2009, And It Really Makes Me Wonder gets taken to the next level!
Right now I just wanted to touch base and say that I'm not dead but my brain is a little and hopefully I'll be back soon to really kick start this blog with a vengeance. In the meanwhile, check me out on twitter: twitter.com/nycstylegal. I'm actually really witty and funny throughout the day. And you might see some potential blog topics on there. I'm saying it here and now...July 2009, And It Really Makes Me Wonder gets taken to the next level!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything I Thought I Knew
What do you when the one part of your life you believe in most turns out to be the biggest lie? I recently found out. The one person in my life who I though I could trust completely betrayed me more than anyone could. I gave him my entire heart and I found out that it all meant nothing.
The whole backstory is long and complicated but let's say it all started 3 years ago. That was when I emotionally gave myself away completely. This all comes down to the betrayal of my deepest feelings. I told someone I thought was a great guy that I loved him and when he said he felt the same way, life seemed perfect.
Fast forward 3 years. There were a lot of things that happened during that time; good and bad. I shared a lot of secrets and broke down a lot of my emotional walls. He was theone person who I could always tell the truth. It wasn't always easy and sometimes he had to force it out of me, but I always told him. It hasn't been terribly easy for me to talk about how I am feeling but I knew he wouldn't judge me. And after a long time of keeping it inside I finally let out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
First off, it is really hard to talk to someone who won't answer your phone calls. And then when I finally did get in touch with him (via text mesage), he talked to me with so much malice and contempt that I was shocked, angry and most of all hurt. How could someone that claimed to care about me talk to me like that? I was upset for the remainder of my evening and so in my cloud of negative feelings, I wrote him a letter. One that calmly and clearly articulated all of the things I was feeling at that moment and things I had been holding in for months and years. I didn't get overly emotional considering how angry I had been initally and managed to keep myself in check. But it was the first time I had been 100% completely honest with him about everything I had felt. It wasn't pretty but it was true. Sometimes it takes an inciting incident to force you to confront the truth. That's what happened for me. It was always bubbling just under the surface...like a boiling pot of water if you will. But as soon as it got too close to the top, I'd put a lid on the pot and say that I would deal with it later.
Let me just say that I've done a lot of growing up and changing in the 3 years that I had let this boy into my heart. It was easy, with us living in two different states it gave both of us the space needed to grow up. But no matter how much I grew up or changed, I never felt any differently about him. Those of you who know the situation know all of the details of this and I'd like to not put that on here because I don't want it to affect the way he's portrayed in this. So when I finally got fed up enough with his games to cut him out of my heart, I knew it was serious. And in the letter I addressed a lot of things that he had done in the past that weren't right. I mean, I had addressed them before but it was always in passing or not terribly seriously. This time I really gave my honest feelings about things. I don't think it was easy for him to read but I could have never anticipated his response...ever.
It was worse than a punch in the stomach. I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my body with a vacuum and that someone was holding a pillow over my face to keep me from ever breathing again. He told me his honest truth and it was way more honest than I expected it to be. Wait, actually I don't think it was more honest, but the honesty came from a place completely opposite of where I expected. I expected something more equal to what I had written. Honest and to the point but civil. That is not what it was. It was painful. He said he never cared about me. Not as a friend and certainly not as anything more. He was just a narcissistic jerk who made me believe that he cared about me to gain my trust and pray on my emotional weakness to get the ego boost he "needed". That is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially in the first couple of sentences. It only got worse from there. I'm not going into too much detail; its still kinda painful to think about. But it really hurts when someone who you cared for and trusted tells you to "get a life" more than once. That still hurts pretty badly.
I'm sure that he got a huge laugh out of the poor little emotionally shattered girl that he played for a fool for 3 years. And I know that I'm angry about that I don't think I'll ever stop being angry. People have tried to tell me that I will but I'm sorry, that's not something that you ever forget. It was the day my world came crashing down around me. And I'll admit that I was stupid for sticking around when he obviously treated me like garbage. I've come to grips with the reality of my fault in the whole affair. But no matter how stupid you are, no one deserves to hear that. Every sentence was like a new slap in the face. Reading it, I felt nauseous, angry, hurt, shocked...I pretty much ran the gamut on the emotional front. But it was a few weeks ago and I have stopped having the dreams where I see him in the street and attack him with the knife I was carrying in my purse just in case that opportunity presented itself. I'm not that angry anymore. But I'll never get my final goodbye. For him it was easy to just pretend that I never existed, because to him, I never really mattered. For me, it's going to take time. Every day I let go a little more.
So, to answer my own question...what do you do in that situation? You get up, take a deep breath and you keep living. It's not easy but I owe it to myself.
The whole backstory is long and complicated but let's say it all started 3 years ago. That was when I emotionally gave myself away completely. This all comes down to the betrayal of my deepest feelings. I told someone I thought was a great guy that I loved him and when he said he felt the same way, life seemed perfect.
Fast forward 3 years. There were a lot of things that happened during that time; good and bad. I shared a lot of secrets and broke down a lot of my emotional walls. He was theone person who I could always tell the truth. It wasn't always easy and sometimes he had to force it out of me, but I always told him. It hasn't been terribly easy for me to talk about how I am feeling but I knew he wouldn't judge me. And after a long time of keeping it inside I finally let out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
First off, it is really hard to talk to someone who won't answer your phone calls. And then when I finally did get in touch with him (via text mesage), he talked to me with so much malice and contempt that I was shocked, angry and most of all hurt. How could someone that claimed to care about me talk to me like that? I was upset for the remainder of my evening and so in my cloud of negative feelings, I wrote him a letter. One that calmly and clearly articulated all of the things I was feeling at that moment and things I had been holding in for months and years. I didn't get overly emotional considering how angry I had been initally and managed to keep myself in check. But it was the first time I had been 100% completely honest with him about everything I had felt. It wasn't pretty but it was true. Sometimes it takes an inciting incident to force you to confront the truth. That's what happened for me. It was always bubbling just under the surface...like a boiling pot of water if you will. But as soon as it got too close to the top, I'd put a lid on the pot and say that I would deal with it later.
Let me just say that I've done a lot of growing up and changing in the 3 years that I had let this boy into my heart. It was easy, with us living in two different states it gave both of us the space needed to grow up. But no matter how much I grew up or changed, I never felt any differently about him. Those of you who know the situation know all of the details of this and I'd like to not put that on here because I don't want it to affect the way he's portrayed in this. So when I finally got fed up enough with his games to cut him out of my heart, I knew it was serious. And in the letter I addressed a lot of things that he had done in the past that weren't right. I mean, I had addressed them before but it was always in passing or not terribly seriously. This time I really gave my honest feelings about things. I don't think it was easy for him to read but I could have never anticipated his response...ever.
It was worse than a punch in the stomach. I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my body with a vacuum and that someone was holding a pillow over my face to keep me from ever breathing again. He told me his honest truth and it was way more honest than I expected it to be. Wait, actually I don't think it was more honest, but the honesty came from a place completely opposite of where I expected. I expected something more equal to what I had written. Honest and to the point but civil. That is not what it was. It was painful. He said he never cared about me. Not as a friend and certainly not as anything more. He was just a narcissistic jerk who made me believe that he cared about me to gain my trust and pray on my emotional weakness to get the ego boost he "needed". That is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially in the first couple of sentences. It only got worse from there. I'm not going into too much detail; its still kinda painful to think about. But it really hurts when someone who you cared for and trusted tells you to "get a life" more than once. That still hurts pretty badly.
I'm sure that he got a huge laugh out of the poor little emotionally shattered girl that he played for a fool for 3 years. And I know that I'm angry about that I don't think I'll ever stop being angry. People have tried to tell me that I will but I'm sorry, that's not something that you ever forget. It was the day my world came crashing down around me. And I'll admit that I was stupid for sticking around when he obviously treated me like garbage. I've come to grips with the reality of my fault in the whole affair. But no matter how stupid you are, no one deserves to hear that. Every sentence was like a new slap in the face. Reading it, I felt nauseous, angry, hurt, shocked...I pretty much ran the gamut on the emotional front. But it was a few weeks ago and I have stopped having the dreams where I see him in the street and attack him with the knife I was carrying in my purse just in case that opportunity presented itself. I'm not that angry anymore. But I'll never get my final goodbye. For him it was easy to just pretend that I never existed, because to him, I never really mattered. For me, it's going to take time. Every day I let go a little more.
So, to answer my own question...what do you do in that situation? You get up, take a deep breath and you keep living. It's not easy but I owe it to myself.
Friday, March 20, 2009
People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones
So, who watched the President on Jay Leno tonight? Another job well done I'd say. I actually started writing this blog sooner but I became quite aggriavated by some comments I received about the above subject and had to have some tea to relax before I could re-collect my thoughts and write this post. And those upsetting comments are exactly what is propelling me to write this post.
The President said a lot of really interesting and articulate things tonight on Leno. I wish the video footage was uploaded already because I'd love to link and use direct quotes. But alas, I'm going off what I remember and discussions I was having with my parents, mainly my dad during the interview. In fact we were talking so much, we missed some of the funnier things being said. Now before I start, I'm telling you know that this is purely my analysis and opinions and I may get a little frustrated and passionate.
One thing that really struck me that the President talked about today was how what a lot of these banks and credit card and mortgage companies did and are doing is completely legal. CapitalOne can charge me ridiculous amounts of interest on my credit card if they want to. But the President put it this way, and it really stayed with me. "When your toaster blows up in your face, you're protected because appliances are supposed to be safe. But when your credit card blows up in your face, there's no one there to protect you." I'm currently going through some credit card issues and so that really hit home. And he's completely right. Sure, there may be ways to fix the problem, but what if you can't bail yourself out? This is how they trap you. And like he said, its not just about fixing everything at this point, we really do need to start re-writing the laws around here to protect the interests of the consumers.
What we as a country have to understand is that this isn't going to happen in a day. Its all a trickle down effect and it's going to take some time for it to get down to us. First of all, the man has only been in office for two months! Contrary to what some may want to believe, he's not Superman; he can't fix it all instantly. And to those who want to talk about how much further in debt he is putting us in, what do you expect? You have to bottom out before you go back up. After listening to what the President had to say tonight, I know that he knows that. He knows what he's doing people. And he does not have an easy road ahead of him. This current economic state isn't something that he can fix in a month. It's going to take a long time. And yes, my great grandchildren may still be paying for it but guess what people? HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON HIS OWN!! HE'S COME INTO OFFICE AND NOW HAS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES!!!
This is really what frustrates me the most. No one before Obama want to own up to the responsiblity of their wrong actions. He's only been President for fifty-nine days. What about the people who were in charge before him? I don't see them stepping up to the plate. And I'm not saying anything about taking the blame for what happened. Its not about blame anymore. It's about owning up to the wrongdoings that have been commited. My dad was telling me that Obama has asked for the help of those who came before him who were in similar positions because as we both reasoned they're the ones who put him in the situation he's currently in, so the least they can do is to help come up with ways to fix it. Right? I think it's only fair. And like my dad said, it's bad enough that Obama has all this stuff to deal with but he also has to deal with the Republicans throwing stones at him, hoping for failure.
My dad saying that is what prompted the title of this blog. People in glass houses should not throw stones. And I say that because who was in charge before Obama? Who were the people who put the country in the position its in now? It wasn't the Obama administration that's for sure. But no one wants to talk about that. They just want to sit and point fingers about what's happening now. To understand where we are now, we have to look at the past. And what's happening now isn't something that was done in fifty-nine days, a year or even eight years. This is twenty plus years of destruction that is finally come to a head. And I'm not pointing fingers at Republicans, my parents used to be Republicans. But they do all of this damage and then don't want to accept the responsibilty for their actions. May I point out that the last President to leave the nation in such a damaging deficit was Ronald Regan in the 80s? He was a Republican. Destruction yet again. So don't sit there and throw stones, because if we threw them back, it would be more devestating for you.
And now bringing it back to my inital aggrivation. I really hate it when people talk about things that sure they may have a clue of but it's completely one sided. If you only watch right wing news, you're only going to have their side of the story. Look at both sides of the arguement before you pick a side. Because though you may think you know what you're talking about, you may not be getting all of the information. And then you're coming at me with a one sided arguement. I don't take kindly to one sided arguments and attacks. Also, don't talk to me like I don't know what's going on. My father is a JOURNALIST. This is what he does for a living; gathering information and then reporting on it. We talk a lot about what's going on, we always have. And I do my own research as well. So when you want to go on the defensive, you better know what you're coming up against.
The President said a lot of really interesting and articulate things tonight on Leno. I wish the video footage was uploaded already because I'd love to link and use direct quotes. But alas, I'm going off what I remember and discussions I was having with my parents, mainly my dad during the interview. In fact we were talking so much, we missed some of the funnier things being said. Now before I start, I'm telling you know that this is purely my analysis and opinions and I may get a little frustrated and passionate.
One thing that really struck me that the President talked about today was how what a lot of these banks and credit card and mortgage companies did and are doing is completely legal. CapitalOne can charge me ridiculous amounts of interest on my credit card if they want to. But the President put it this way, and it really stayed with me. "When your toaster blows up in your face, you're protected because appliances are supposed to be safe. But when your credit card blows up in your face, there's no one there to protect you." I'm currently going through some credit card issues and so that really hit home. And he's completely right. Sure, there may be ways to fix the problem, but what if you can't bail yourself out? This is how they trap you. And like he said, its not just about fixing everything at this point, we really do need to start re-writing the laws around here to protect the interests of the consumers.
What we as a country have to understand is that this isn't going to happen in a day. Its all a trickle down effect and it's going to take some time for it to get down to us. First of all, the man has only been in office for two months! Contrary to what some may want to believe, he's not Superman; he can't fix it all instantly. And to those who want to talk about how much further in debt he is putting us in, what do you expect? You have to bottom out before you go back up. After listening to what the President had to say tonight, I know that he knows that. He knows what he's doing people. And he does not have an easy road ahead of him. This current economic state isn't something that he can fix in a month. It's going to take a long time. And yes, my great grandchildren may still be paying for it but guess what people? HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON HIS OWN!! HE'S COME INTO OFFICE AND NOW HAS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES!!!
This is really what frustrates me the most. No one before Obama want to own up to the responsiblity of their wrong actions. He's only been President for fifty-nine days. What about the people who were in charge before him? I don't see them stepping up to the plate. And I'm not saying anything about taking the blame for what happened. Its not about blame anymore. It's about owning up to the wrongdoings that have been commited. My dad was telling me that Obama has asked for the help of those who came before him who were in similar positions because as we both reasoned they're the ones who put him in the situation he's currently in, so the least they can do is to help come up with ways to fix it. Right? I think it's only fair. And like my dad said, it's bad enough that Obama has all this stuff to deal with but he also has to deal with the Republicans throwing stones at him, hoping for failure.
My dad saying that is what prompted the title of this blog. People in glass houses should not throw stones. And I say that because who was in charge before Obama? Who were the people who put the country in the position its in now? It wasn't the Obama administration that's for sure. But no one wants to talk about that. They just want to sit and point fingers about what's happening now. To understand where we are now, we have to look at the past. And what's happening now isn't something that was done in fifty-nine days, a year or even eight years. This is twenty plus years of destruction that is finally come to a head. And I'm not pointing fingers at Republicans, my parents used to be Republicans. But they do all of this damage and then don't want to accept the responsibilty for their actions. May I point out that the last President to leave the nation in such a damaging deficit was Ronald Regan in the 80s? He was a Republican. Destruction yet again. So don't sit there and throw stones, because if we threw them back, it would be more devestating for you.
And now bringing it back to my inital aggrivation. I really hate it when people talk about things that sure they may have a clue of but it's completely one sided. If you only watch right wing news, you're only going to have their side of the story. Look at both sides of the arguement before you pick a side. Because though you may think you know what you're talking about, you may not be getting all of the information. And then you're coming at me with a one sided arguement. I don't take kindly to one sided arguments and attacks. Also, don't talk to me like I don't know what's going on. My father is a JOURNALIST. This is what he does for a living; gathering information and then reporting on it. We talk a lot about what's going on, we always have. And I do my own research as well. So when you want to go on the defensive, you better know what you're coming up against.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Who Am I?
Hello again kind readers! Its been awhile since I last wrote. Well a lot has gone on and I'll write another post about that soon but really I have a specific thought process today.
Kay so I was listening to one of my favorite new-ish albums, Taylor Swift's 'Fearless'. I love love love Taylor and I was super excited that I finally got the cd because I've wanted it forever. One of the songs has really just got me thinking lately and so I figured why not come think out loud on the blog? So the song is called 'Fifteen'. If anyone watched the Grammy's Taylor sang it with Miley Cyrus. That's when I fell in love with the song because the lyrics really made me think back to what my life was like back then. I've recently spent a lot of time reminicising with one of my best friends from high school about the good ole' days. For me, the age of fifteen was the end of freshman year and the beginning of sophomore year. Fifteen was an interesting age.
At the end of freshman year I had a HUGE crush on a boy who was a senior. He was like the BMOC type and everyone loved him. We were friends and we still are friends and like way after the fact, he told me that he had a crush on me back then but it wouldn't have worked out. He was getting ready for college and I was a big dork with a penchant for platform shoes despite being like 5'9". But I thought I was really cool. I had a great group of friends and nobody was teasing me in the malicious way they had when I was younger.
Back to the song. I feel like a lot of the stuff Taylor talks about in the song are still totally relevant to me at the age I am now. Even more so now I think and that's what she's saying in the song I guess. But listening to it made me think so much. Here comes the lyrics! Not the whole song, but the lines I find relevant with my analysis.
"Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them." <--- the beginning to the chorus. This is true at that age of course. I wouldn't really know because there weren't any boys telling me that at fifteen...hell there aren't any boys telling me that now. And while that lyric is true of being a teen, isn't that true of love at any age? I mean I feel like it's more true of love in your 20s, 30s, whatever. Because who really knows what love is at fifteen? But when you're older and you think you've figured it out, aren't you more prone to believe someone when they tell you they love you? Because you know what love is? And also aren't you usually willing to believe someone loves you because you want them to love you?
"And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out..." Well hell, I thought I knew everything when I was a teenager. It wasn't until I turned like 21 that I realized I knew absolutely NOTHING. This is truth friends. When you're a teenager you're so sure of everything and no one can tell you anything different. I mean I thought I had the world all figured out. Of course it wasn't until I actually got out into the world that I realized nothing was as I thought it was.
"When all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now" heck yeah! I mean, I still want a guy to want to be with me but if I could go back and tell myself then that there are a million more important things than getting a boy to like you, I probably would. Even though I kind of liked how I was so innocent that the biggest problem of my life was getting a guy to like me. It was kind of nice to live my life where that was the biggest problem.
And the final one is: "I've found that time can heal most anything and you just might find who you're supposed to be. I didn't know who I was supposed to be...at fifteen" this is pretty close to the end. And I think it is probably the part of the song that speaks to me most. It took me a long time to get over things that happened in high school. Most recently and most importantly, a very good friendship. My best friend in high school and I had a HUGE fight that looking back was so silly and we didn't speak for four years. Now it's like nothing ever happened but I wished she would have been there for some of the big things that happened to me during college. I don't think I know who I'm supposed to be just yet but I think I'm working on it. I know more about myself now at 22 than I knew about myself back then, that's for sure. But I think you have to have some life experience to figure out who you are that I just didn't have at fifteen. I was sheltered and taken care of and there were a lot of things that I didn't have to worry about that I do now.
And so now you know how I feel about that.
Kay so I was listening to one of my favorite new-ish albums, Taylor Swift's 'Fearless'. I love love love Taylor and I was super excited that I finally got the cd because I've wanted it forever. One of the songs has really just got me thinking lately and so I figured why not come think out loud on the blog? So the song is called 'Fifteen'. If anyone watched the Grammy's Taylor sang it with Miley Cyrus. That's when I fell in love with the song because the lyrics really made me think back to what my life was like back then. I've recently spent a lot of time reminicising with one of my best friends from high school about the good ole' days. For me, the age of fifteen was the end of freshman year and the beginning of sophomore year. Fifteen was an interesting age.
At the end of freshman year I had a HUGE crush on a boy who was a senior. He was like the BMOC type and everyone loved him. We were friends and we still are friends and like way after the fact, he told me that he had a crush on me back then but it wouldn't have worked out. He was getting ready for college and I was a big dork with a penchant for platform shoes despite being like 5'9". But I thought I was really cool. I had a great group of friends and nobody was teasing me in the malicious way they had when I was younger.
Back to the song. I feel like a lot of the stuff Taylor talks about in the song are still totally relevant to me at the age I am now. Even more so now I think and that's what she's saying in the song I guess. But listening to it made me think so much. Here comes the lyrics! Not the whole song, but the lines I find relevant with my analysis.
"Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them." <--- the beginning to the chorus. This is true at that age of course. I wouldn't really know because there weren't any boys telling me that at fifteen...hell there aren't any boys telling me that now. And while that lyric is true of being a teen, isn't that true of love at any age? I mean I feel like it's more true of love in your 20s, 30s, whatever. Because who really knows what love is at fifteen? But when you're older and you think you've figured it out, aren't you more prone to believe someone when they tell you they love you? Because you know what love is? And also aren't you usually willing to believe someone loves you because you want them to love you?
"And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out..." Well hell, I thought I knew everything when I was a teenager. It wasn't until I turned like 21 that I realized I knew absolutely NOTHING. This is truth friends. When you're a teenager you're so sure of everything and no one can tell you anything different. I mean I thought I had the world all figured out. Of course it wasn't until I actually got out into the world that I realized nothing was as I thought it was.
"When all you wanted was to be wanted, wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now" heck yeah! I mean, I still want a guy to want to be with me but if I could go back and tell myself then that there are a million more important things than getting a boy to like you, I probably would. Even though I kind of liked how I was so innocent that the biggest problem of my life was getting a guy to like me. It was kind of nice to live my life where that was the biggest problem.
And the final one is: "I've found that time can heal most anything and you just might find who you're supposed to be. I didn't know who I was supposed to be...at fifteen" this is pretty close to the end. And I think it is probably the part of the song that speaks to me most. It took me a long time to get over things that happened in high school. Most recently and most importantly, a very good friendship. My best friend in high school and I had a HUGE fight that looking back was so silly and we didn't speak for four years. Now it's like nothing ever happened but I wished she would have been there for some of the big things that happened to me during college. I don't think I know who I'm supposed to be just yet but I think I'm working on it. I know more about myself now at 22 than I knew about myself back then, that's for sure. But I think you have to have some life experience to figure out who you are that I just didn't have at fifteen. I was sheltered and taken care of and there were a lot of things that I didn't have to worry about that I do now.
And so now you know how I feel about that.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Where is Your Heart?
Hello world and thank you Kelly Clarkson for providing me with an easy title. So, here's the new blog! My first request too!! Even though I'm sure this is something I would have written about sooner or later...love. Oh yes, I'm going there. Its time kiddos. It's a new year and time for a new perspective on life yes? Kay, well here goes.
My good friend asked me to write a blog about "love, heartache and pain." Hello! Three words I'm very familiar with. So I put on the Kelly Clarkson (who is also very familiar with these three words) and I'm getting to work.
Now, I'm my very humbled and honest opinion, you can't have good true love without heartache and pain first. I mean, how will you be able to appreciate the good stuff without the bad stuff right? I know this much from experience. Hell, who doesn't? Half of the conversations I have with my girlfriends is about men. The men we love, the men we used to love, the ones we could have loved, the ones we spurned, the ones who spurned us...you get the picture. As singer Willa Ford so brilliantly said "Fuck the men, let's drink to us!" It is so amazing that so much of our lives as women can be marked by the men that were apart of it. 'Sex and the City' is one of my favorite shows and Carrie Bradshaw's life on the show is really marked by her three big relationships: Big, Aiden and the Russian. You know what? I think I'm going to ease into this thrilling look at love by talking about my favorite show.
'Sex and the City' is practically a woman's guide. A handbook for life and love in New York City some may say. I mean, I definitely know a lot of girls who look at their lives through the lens of Carrie and Co. Hell, I do it all the time! First, Carrie has Mr. Big. Big never really goes away though does he? I know the feeling Carrie. The Mr. Big type is the guy who keeps ripping your heart out, pounding it flat with a meat cleaver and handing it back to you. And while you know that he's toxic and no good for you; you also know that he's your destiny so you keep going back for another pounding. Mr. Big serves Carrie her heart on a tray more times than we can keep track of. Calling her his "friend" in front of his mother, not being able to ever tell her she's "The One", marrying the idiot stick figure with no soul (the much younger Natasha), the affair, showing up just as Carrie thinks her life is finally going the way she wants it to (pre-Paris), coming to her rescue, leaving her at the altar (if you haven't seen the movie by now, what the hell are you waiting for?!) and then finally he manages to sit right and fly straight. Should Carrie have stuck around for all of that? No. But she did because Mr. Big was her destiny. But it proves that you have to deal with the bad to get to the good.
I have plenty of girlfriends who have man problems. I mean, what woman doesn't right? But sitting around and talking about it (usually over food or coffee or both) is the only way we can deal with and work through our issues. Now I've heard some seriously cringe worthy stories from my girls. The crazy stalker who called 6 times a day and showed up at my friend's house only to get chased away by her family; the alcoholic drug addict who caused a scene at my friend's place of work, the straight boy who acts gayer than any gay we've ever met (seriously), or better yet, the guy you think is the love of your life who turns out to be gay, the mixed message sender, the commitment phobe, and a sordid amount of other tales that would be pages and pages to tell. My personal favorite is the guy who tells you he loves you but you can't be together so he dates some wholly inappropriate girl (one with some nasal issues) or someone who has something in common with you (like your knack with the sarcastic comments, your wit when armed with a pen or your love for the stage) in a backward, lame attempt to get over you and/or make you ridiculously jealous. This last issue I can speak of from personal experience.
Now the reason I think my friend asked me to write about this subject is because she is dealing with separation anxiety. She is forced to be away from her boyfriend who she cares about more than she'll let on for longer than she'd like and it's killing her. Hence the pain and heartache part of love. It sucks to be apart from the person you love, no matter what the circumstances are for your separation. When you're forced to be away from your love, you don't really feel completely whole. It always feels like something is gnawing away at your insides and you just can't get it to stop. There is a constant dull pain deep down inside of you that no amount of social interaction, chocolate or booze will ever dull. It is truly one of the most unbearable feelings in the world. And yet when you can't change it, you are forced to deal with it. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place; there is no happy alternative. It's really just a matter of how long you can stick it out whether it be six months or three years. Again, this I know for personal experience.
The thing is when you begin to picture your life without that person and you can't. I had a friend who said that she knows the man who is her soulmate because there have been times when she's literally wanted to kill him but then in the next moment couldn't imagine her life without him. I had to say that I totally agreed with this statement. Or in a less extreme situation, when you can just imagine being with someone for a long time. Maybe not forever, but for the forseeable future. What do you do when that person is suddenly not there anymore? If it's time, or distance or circumstance that keeps that person away, their absence throws you into a tailspin of how to suddenly deal with your life and where they fit into it. You know that no matter what the circumstance, you aren't giving them up without a fight. Its hard because there will be mornings where you will wake up and ask yourself: "what the hell are you thinking by sticking around?" but others where you can't imagine being any other place, no matter how much it's killing you.
Please let me tell you, it will kill you. That pang you feel in your heart every time you think about him, that incurable dull ache, the dreams that haunt you at night, the moments where you can't stop smiling...its all going to get to you after awhile. The only thing I can say from experience is that it will get easier. You'll learn how to handle the good feelings and the bad. Or if you can't be with him, you'll learn how to get over being without him. You'll still love him of course but you'll be able to keep the thoughts from haunting you and making you want to rip all of the hair out of your head. You'll be able to look at him clearly an objectively again and tell him when he's done something that makes you happy or unhappy. It all comes with time.
And if it doesn't work out and you are forced to sit and put back together the pieces of your broken heart, you can do what another friend used to do. Picture all of your exes singing *NSYNC's "I Want You Back" to you. It will definitely induce a good chuckle.
But I leave you with these last thoughts. Remember, what's meant to be will be and if it wasn't, its because there's something better out there. Love takes time but you can't have great love without great heartbreak, heartache and pain.
My good friend asked me to write a blog about "love, heartache and pain." Hello! Three words I'm very familiar with. So I put on the Kelly Clarkson (who is also very familiar with these three words) and I'm getting to work.
Now, I'm my very humbled and honest opinion, you can't have good true love without heartache and pain first. I mean, how will you be able to appreciate the good stuff without the bad stuff right? I know this much from experience. Hell, who doesn't? Half of the conversations I have with my girlfriends is about men. The men we love, the men we used to love, the ones we could have loved, the ones we spurned, the ones who spurned us...you get the picture. As singer Willa Ford so brilliantly said "Fuck the men, let's drink to us!" It is so amazing that so much of our lives as women can be marked by the men that were apart of it. 'Sex and the City' is one of my favorite shows and Carrie Bradshaw's life on the show is really marked by her three big relationships: Big, Aiden and the Russian. You know what? I think I'm going to ease into this thrilling look at love by talking about my favorite show.
'Sex and the City' is practically a woman's guide. A handbook for life and love in New York City some may say. I mean, I definitely know a lot of girls who look at their lives through the lens of Carrie and Co. Hell, I do it all the time! First, Carrie has Mr. Big. Big never really goes away though does he? I know the feeling Carrie. The Mr. Big type is the guy who keeps ripping your heart out, pounding it flat with a meat cleaver and handing it back to you. And while you know that he's toxic and no good for you; you also know that he's your destiny so you keep going back for another pounding. Mr. Big serves Carrie her heart on a tray more times than we can keep track of. Calling her his "friend" in front of his mother, not being able to ever tell her she's "The One", marrying the idiot stick figure with no soul (the much younger Natasha), the affair, showing up just as Carrie thinks her life is finally going the way she wants it to (pre-Paris), coming to her rescue, leaving her at the altar (if you haven't seen the movie by now, what the hell are you waiting for?!) and then finally he manages to sit right and fly straight. Should Carrie have stuck around for all of that? No. But she did because Mr. Big was her destiny. But it proves that you have to deal with the bad to get to the good.
I have plenty of girlfriends who have man problems. I mean, what woman doesn't right? But sitting around and talking about it (usually over food or coffee or both) is the only way we can deal with and work through our issues. Now I've heard some seriously cringe worthy stories from my girls. The crazy stalker who called 6 times a day and showed up at my friend's house only to get chased away by her family; the alcoholic drug addict who caused a scene at my friend's place of work, the straight boy who acts gayer than any gay we've ever met (seriously), or better yet, the guy you think is the love of your life who turns out to be gay, the mixed message sender, the commitment phobe, and a sordid amount of other tales that would be pages and pages to tell. My personal favorite is the guy who tells you he loves you but you can't be together so he dates some wholly inappropriate girl (one with some nasal issues) or someone who has something in common with you (like your knack with the sarcastic comments, your wit when armed with a pen or your love for the stage) in a backward, lame attempt to get over you and/or make you ridiculously jealous. This last issue I can speak of from personal experience.
Now the reason I think my friend asked me to write about this subject is because she is dealing with separation anxiety. She is forced to be away from her boyfriend who she cares about more than she'll let on for longer than she'd like and it's killing her. Hence the pain and heartache part of love. It sucks to be apart from the person you love, no matter what the circumstances are for your separation. When you're forced to be away from your love, you don't really feel completely whole. It always feels like something is gnawing away at your insides and you just can't get it to stop. There is a constant dull pain deep down inside of you that no amount of social interaction, chocolate or booze will ever dull. It is truly one of the most unbearable feelings in the world. And yet when you can't change it, you are forced to deal with it. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place; there is no happy alternative. It's really just a matter of how long you can stick it out whether it be six months or three years. Again, this I know for personal experience.
The thing is when you begin to picture your life without that person and you can't. I had a friend who said that she knows the man who is her soulmate because there have been times when she's literally wanted to kill him but then in the next moment couldn't imagine her life without him. I had to say that I totally agreed with this statement. Or in a less extreme situation, when you can just imagine being with someone for a long time. Maybe not forever, but for the forseeable future. What do you do when that person is suddenly not there anymore? If it's time, or distance or circumstance that keeps that person away, their absence throws you into a tailspin of how to suddenly deal with your life and where they fit into it. You know that no matter what the circumstance, you aren't giving them up without a fight. Its hard because there will be mornings where you will wake up and ask yourself: "what the hell are you thinking by sticking around?" but others where you can't imagine being any other place, no matter how much it's killing you.
Please let me tell you, it will kill you. That pang you feel in your heart every time you think about him, that incurable dull ache, the dreams that haunt you at night, the moments where you can't stop smiling...its all going to get to you after awhile. The only thing I can say from experience is that it will get easier. You'll learn how to handle the good feelings and the bad. Or if you can't be with him, you'll learn how to get over being without him. You'll still love him of course but you'll be able to keep the thoughts from haunting you and making you want to rip all of the hair out of your head. You'll be able to look at him clearly an objectively again and tell him when he's done something that makes you happy or unhappy. It all comes with time.
And if it doesn't work out and you are forced to sit and put back together the pieces of your broken heart, you can do what another friend used to do. Picture all of your exes singing *NSYNC's "I Want You Back" to you. It will definitely induce a good chuckle.
But I leave you with these last thoughts. Remember, what's meant to be will be and if it wasn't, its because there's something better out there. Love takes time but you can't have great love without great heartbreak, heartache and pain.
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