Hello again! Just a short thought tonight. This time we have a very nice blog post; not a scathing review of peoples' actions.
My good friend and fellow blogger "Carrie Blackshaw" (http://alwayskeepinitclassy.blogspot.com/) and I are trying to have a new outlook on life. We are aiming to be positive! You'd think "hey, how hard is it to have a positive outlook on life?" It's a lot harder than people think it is. Especially now, when the economy is in the toilet and I can't get a callback at an audition or anything. It's very easy to be overwhelmed by your own life and fall into a slump of negativity. Despite my new desire to be positive, it's impossible to be that way all the time. But whenever I begin to feel down, I try to think about something good that has happened to balance out the bad.
The reason I wanted to share this with you all is because I feel that its really important. I try to always be the cheerleader for my friends, encouraging them to keep positive and have a nice open lookout on life. Because it isn't just about not feeling negative, it's also about being open to what life has to offer. You never know what's going to happen when you walk out of your front door. Heck, you never know what's going to happen the minute you open your eyes each day. But you can't shut out new experiences. My belief is that you can't have a totally positive life outlook if you aren't open to the universe. Take each thing that life hands you and use it to help you get to the next point. You should always live your life moment to moment. Don't plan ahead too far; you may never know how long it make actually take for life to catch up to your plan.
Like I said, this is going to be a short post. But I want you to try this. After you've read this blog, the next morning I want you to get up and say "Happy ______! (insert day here) Today will be a good day and even if it isn't I will do one thing to try and stay positive and open to the universe." Remember kids, you are in control of your own mind.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Celebrity Skin
*duh duh duh* I'M BAAAAAAAACK! hehe Hi again out there in the blogosphere! So what's up? I have a few great blog ideas, so be on the look out for them soon! But today is another topic...so here we go!
Well, this is something that has been boiling my butter lately. I will not name names because that's not how I roll but there is a certain *ahem* celebrity who I feel is in need of me sharing some thoughts on. When I become a fan of someone, especially when I was in my younger years (haha cuz I'm so old) I became fiercely loyal and in a lot of cases I'm still fiercely loyal. Why shouldn't I be? If they've done me no harm why should I pull my support away? But lately this particular figure has made me question my loyalty to him because of his actions recently.
As someone who wants to be in the public eye myself, I have of course my own opinions on how celebrities should conduct themselves, especially with their fans. Because I am such a fan of so many people, there are certain levels of decorum that celebrities should follow when dealing with fans. Its called humility. You have to remember that your fans are the ones that make you who you are. Celebrities should never feel entitled to ANYTHING. Not a dang nabbed thing. And that is my biggest gripe right now with this particular person. They don't seem to have any humility. Maybe at moments, but there is definitely a certain sense of entitlement. Like just because this person was a huge global star like eight years ago does not mean a dang thing today. You have to work to get back to that level.
The American music industry is like a tide; it ebbs and flows constantly. Just because you're up today, doesn't mean you will be tomorrow. And sometimes I think that celebrities forget that. Its never a guarantee. And this person just assumes that now that they are ready to be back in the spotlight everyone is just supposed to be like falling all over themselves and if they have one doubt about anything its like "mind your business because I'm going to do what I want anyway" Well if that was going to work, they wouldn't need fans...which they clearly do. So even if this whole front is just for publicity or attention, its being counterproductive. By acting like a fool, you're only going to push fans away, not making them throw themselves at your feet. And if they are, they're really pretty stupid. Sure, fans outside of the United States may be bending over backward for you but they clamor for any American music, even if its someone who is no longer popular in the United States. Come on, David Hasselhoff is still popular in Germany isn't he?
It just really bugs me that this celebrity feels they have the right to talk to their fans like they don't matter. There is a general "Eff you, because even though I say you're important I don't really mean it" vibe going on in a lot of the things they are saying in public venues. Again, like I said, if its a publicity stunt, its really not working. Instead of making people more interested, its pushing people away. And its something that this person has really only started recently. I don't know where it came from. First starting a fight with a gossip blog...that is so Perez Hilton. An established artist should be above that, no matter how low they are now. And now I can honestly say I don't blame the blog for leading a revolt against this person. They are not being very nice and have totally alienated some of their incredibly loyal fans by making some very rude and unnecessary comments. Just a really big "Eff you" while saying that only the true fans are worth having around. I was a true fan and right now I don't care how good their new music may be, if they don't get their attitude in check, I'm done.
And while they may not think they need fans, they do. Let this be a lesson.
Well, this is something that has been boiling my butter lately. I will not name names because that's not how I roll but there is a certain *ahem* celebrity who I feel is in need of me sharing some thoughts on. When I become a fan of someone, especially when I was in my younger years (haha cuz I'm so old) I became fiercely loyal and in a lot of cases I'm still fiercely loyal. Why shouldn't I be? If they've done me no harm why should I pull my support away? But lately this particular figure has made me question my loyalty to him because of his actions recently.
As someone who wants to be in the public eye myself, I have of course my own opinions on how celebrities should conduct themselves, especially with their fans. Because I am such a fan of so many people, there are certain levels of decorum that celebrities should follow when dealing with fans. Its called humility. You have to remember that your fans are the ones that make you who you are. Celebrities should never feel entitled to ANYTHING. Not a dang nabbed thing. And that is my biggest gripe right now with this particular person. They don't seem to have any humility. Maybe at moments, but there is definitely a certain sense of entitlement. Like just because this person was a huge global star like eight years ago does not mean a dang thing today. You have to work to get back to that level.
The American music industry is like a tide; it ebbs and flows constantly. Just because you're up today, doesn't mean you will be tomorrow. And sometimes I think that celebrities forget that. Its never a guarantee. And this person just assumes that now that they are ready to be back in the spotlight everyone is just supposed to be like falling all over themselves and if they have one doubt about anything its like "mind your business because I'm going to do what I want anyway" Well if that was going to work, they wouldn't need fans...which they clearly do. So even if this whole front is just for publicity or attention, its being counterproductive. By acting like a fool, you're only going to push fans away, not making them throw themselves at your feet. And if they are, they're really pretty stupid. Sure, fans outside of the United States may be bending over backward for you but they clamor for any American music, even if its someone who is no longer popular in the United States. Come on, David Hasselhoff is still popular in Germany isn't he?
It just really bugs me that this celebrity feels they have the right to talk to their fans like they don't matter. There is a general "Eff you, because even though I say you're important I don't really mean it" vibe going on in a lot of the things they are saying in public venues. Again, like I said, if its a publicity stunt, its really not working. Instead of making people more interested, its pushing people away. And its something that this person has really only started recently. I don't know where it came from. First starting a fight with a gossip blog...that is so Perez Hilton. An established artist should be above that, no matter how low they are now. And now I can honestly say I don't blame the blog for leading a revolt against this person. They are not being very nice and have totally alienated some of their incredibly loyal fans by making some very rude and unnecessary comments. Just a really big "Eff you" while saying that only the true fans are worth having around. I was a true fan and right now I don't care how good their new music may be, if they don't get their attitude in check, I'm done.
And while they may not think they need fans, they do. Let this be a lesson.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Emotional Purging
Remember back in May when I wrote that post about that guy who turned out to be king of the douche colony? Yeah, so do I.
I took tonight out to do some emotional purging. I scoured through my Facebook and read every message, wall post, whatever I could find from him. (I do find it annoying though that one cannot see wall-to-wall if you are no longer FB friends with the person) I didn't delete them because I feel like this is an ongoing process. It's not something that is going to happen once and then I will be magically cured. Its been about two months since it all ended and I've been dealing with it really well. Every so often he'll creep back into my thoughts and then I remember how everything ended. The only reason I chose today to purge is because my dad asked me if we still talked. A simple "He doesn't exist." kept my parents from prying but a part of me wanted to tell them. I wanted to say this jerk took total advantage of my fragile emotional state. But what would that have done? Absolutely nothing.
This healing process is a process for me and me alone. Every few months I will sit and look back at all of those ridiculously sappy "I love you's" and "You're beautifuls" and everything that could have been a total lie. It's not like I'll ever find out the truth. And I think that's my main reason for this emotional purging. I'll never find out the truth. I won't get to find out if any of those "I love you's" or "you're beautifuls" were true. Because reading back that message it's hard to tell how much of it was true and how much of it was a defense mechanism. It's hard to tell someone the truth. It's hard to hear the truth. And I also know that it's hard to look at your own reflection after you've heard the truth. So who knows? But I will purge and I will reflect and I will keep positive (except for those few comments that will make me scream "You jerk!" at my computer screen. hey, a little yelling is healthy =P)
I took tonight out to do some emotional purging. I scoured through my Facebook and read every message, wall post, whatever I could find from him. (I do find it annoying though that one cannot see wall-to-wall if you are no longer FB friends with the person) I didn't delete them because I feel like this is an ongoing process. It's not something that is going to happen once and then I will be magically cured. Its been about two months since it all ended and I've been dealing with it really well. Every so often he'll creep back into my thoughts and then I remember how everything ended. The only reason I chose today to purge is because my dad asked me if we still talked. A simple "He doesn't exist." kept my parents from prying but a part of me wanted to tell them. I wanted to say this jerk took total advantage of my fragile emotional state. But what would that have done? Absolutely nothing.
This healing process is a process for me and me alone. Every few months I will sit and look back at all of those ridiculously sappy "I love you's" and "You're beautifuls" and everything that could have been a total lie. It's not like I'll ever find out the truth. And I think that's my main reason for this emotional purging. I'll never find out the truth. I won't get to find out if any of those "I love you's" or "you're beautifuls" were true. Because reading back that message it's hard to tell how much of it was true and how much of it was a defense mechanism. It's hard to tell someone the truth. It's hard to hear the truth. And I also know that it's hard to look at your own reflection after you've heard the truth. So who knows? But I will purge and I will reflect and I will keep positive (except for those few comments that will make me scream "You jerk!" at my computer screen. hey, a little yelling is healthy =P)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Man in the Mirror
Today, the music industry lost a legend. I still can't believe that Michael Jackson is dead. It just doesn't seem real. I mean, he was only 50...not much older than my mom. And he was getting ready to do all those shows in London...its such a tragedy.
Its hard to remember any part of my life without Michael Jackson's music...probably because he became famous before my parents even met each other, lol. Like I said, he's not even a whole year older than my mom so she felt like they grew up together. But really, my entire childhood was dominated by his presence. I'm a product of the 80s, which is without argument, the pinnacle of his extraordinary visions. I remember being scared shitless by the "Thriller" video (to be honest, I still am to this day. It was obviously being played before and my dad came in and tried to scare me by putting it on. I was luckily reading a book but he got a nice smack from me) but I also remember loving "Bad" and "Beat It".
When I was about nine or ten, my uncle Mike (mom's brother) gave me a five disc stereo for my new bedroom. I was so excited. That was the age I had really started to discover my immense and intense love for music. I noticed with the stereo he gave me a single CD...Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall." OTW was his first official solo album, which came out in 1979. My favorite song from that album is definitely "Rock With You" but I remember coming home and blasting that album and dancing around the house with both of my parents. It was always one I listened to on a Friday afternoon after school because the title track is definitely one of those "whoo-hoo its the weekend kind of songs." A lot of people don't know that my first CD ever was Michael Jackson but I always thought it was so cool. It was also super cool that the Jackson 5 was on the soundtrack to my favorite movie "Now and Then." I would warble along to "I'll Be There" at the top of my lungs.
There have been a lot of times in my life that I can recall one of his songs being a big part of it. I can remember being a little kid and my mom dancing to "Smooth Criminal" in a dance recital. She even had a hat like Michael's. I thought she was just the coolest. I remember the video for "Black or White" and all the cool morphing faces. In the third grade when we had to learn to play the stupid song flute and I remember getting insanely excited when we got to learn and play the Free Willy song "Will You Be There". For a long time I could still play parts of it and would steal my little cousins' flute to play it. Then of course who could forget the final ballet scene in the movie "Centerstage?" "The Way You Make Me Feel" made me want to do ballet which is definitely my least favorite style of dance. That was always one of my favorite songs and I was so stoked to see it in a movie I liked so much.
Then at the 2001 MTV VMAs when Michael performed with *NSYNC...I thought I would die from excitement. Here I was sitting at home watching Michael Jackson perform with *NSYNC, a band who had always been so vocal in their love for him. In their Disney concert, they mixed "Rock With You" into their song "Crazy For You." Honestly that could have been the moment I fell in love with them. I felt so special sitting there watching them get to fulfill one of their dreams. It truly warmed my geeky little heart. I remember MTV premiering the video for "You Rock My World" and actually sitting there like "this guy is ridiculous!" I mean he was incredible. I actually forgot about watching that until just now.
Now, there are a few songs of his that are tinged with sadness for me. Not just because of his passing but because of the part his music played in a certain relationship I had. The song "Butterflies" reminds me of falling in love for the first time. I used to listen to it and curl up in my bed thinking about the guy I was madly in love with and wondering if he'd be listening to the song too (he was a huge MJ fan). It did happen once where we were both listening to the song and I was definitely thanking Michael for writing it because it described how I was feeling. For a long time when he called me my phone rang "The Way You Make Me Feel" (it was the only MJ ringtone T-Mobile had that was appropriate). Only a few weeks ago, my friends and I were screaming "Dirty Diana" at a party. I held hands with my oldest sister while we both sang every word to "P.Y.T." twice in a fine moment of sisterly solidarity that we've never shared before? IT was great because it was finally something we had in common.
When I think of just how much our lives have all been impacted by this man, this absolute visionary, whether we know it or not, it is an incredibly humbling experience. He's influenced every musical artist regardless of genre in the past thirty or so years. He brought together all kinds of music from having Eddie Van Halen play the guitar on "Beat It" to Slash being featured on "Black or White" . His albums defied what people thought pop music could ever be and definitely broke the expectations audiences had of a black artist. He made MTV a staple even though at first they wouldn't play his music videos. He brought together all kinds of people to record "We Are the World" as one of his many humanitarian efforts. He created the moonwalk and the robot, two dance moves people will try to imitate forever. So what if his best friend was a chimp? (and a damn cute one at that) Who cared if he was a little weird? I certainly didn't and trust me, I spent the better portion of my childhood completely frightened of the man. I had so many visions of the future, being rich and famous and having Michael over for lunch to ask him so many questions...like what was it like to work with a rat? And to sing a song about one? And why did he wear black shoes with white socks? And what was with the military jackets? Why only one glove? How did it become sparkly? Did someone bedazzle it? Why did you call it the moonwalk? I mean, I guess it sounded better than that thing where I slide across the floor. And why the hell did you say "ch-mon" Michael? These are questions I won't get to ask him and bring back an answer for. I just picture him up in Heaven, hanging out with Bubbles and walking across the moon. Thank you Michael, for everything.
Its hard to remember any part of my life without Michael Jackson's music...probably because he became famous before my parents even met each other, lol. Like I said, he's not even a whole year older than my mom so she felt like they grew up together. But really, my entire childhood was dominated by his presence. I'm a product of the 80s, which is without argument, the pinnacle of his extraordinary visions. I remember being scared shitless by the "Thriller" video (to be honest, I still am to this day. It was obviously being played before and my dad came in and tried to scare me by putting it on. I was luckily reading a book but he got a nice smack from me) but I also remember loving "Bad" and "Beat It".
When I was about nine or ten, my uncle Mike (mom's brother) gave me a five disc stereo for my new bedroom. I was so excited. That was the age I had really started to discover my immense and intense love for music. I noticed with the stereo he gave me a single CD...Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall." OTW was his first official solo album, which came out in 1979. My favorite song from that album is definitely "Rock With You" but I remember coming home and blasting that album and dancing around the house with both of my parents. It was always one I listened to on a Friday afternoon after school because the title track is definitely one of those "whoo-hoo its the weekend kind of songs." A lot of people don't know that my first CD ever was Michael Jackson but I always thought it was so cool. It was also super cool that the Jackson 5 was on the soundtrack to my favorite movie "Now and Then." I would warble along to "I'll Be There" at the top of my lungs.
There have been a lot of times in my life that I can recall one of his songs being a big part of it. I can remember being a little kid and my mom dancing to "Smooth Criminal" in a dance recital. She even had a hat like Michael's. I thought she was just the coolest. I remember the video for "Black or White" and all the cool morphing faces. In the third grade when we had to learn to play the stupid song flute and I remember getting insanely excited when we got to learn and play the Free Willy song "Will You Be There". For a long time I could still play parts of it and would steal my little cousins' flute to play it. Then of course who could forget the final ballet scene in the movie "Centerstage?" "The Way You Make Me Feel" made me want to do ballet which is definitely my least favorite style of dance. That was always one of my favorite songs and I was so stoked to see it in a movie I liked so much.
Then at the 2001 MTV VMAs when Michael performed with *NSYNC...I thought I would die from excitement. Here I was sitting at home watching Michael Jackson perform with *NSYNC, a band who had always been so vocal in their love for him. In their Disney concert, they mixed "Rock With You" into their song "Crazy For You." Honestly that could have been the moment I fell in love with them. I felt so special sitting there watching them get to fulfill one of their dreams. It truly warmed my geeky little heart. I remember MTV premiering the video for "You Rock My World" and actually sitting there like "this guy is ridiculous!" I mean he was incredible. I actually forgot about watching that until just now.
Now, there are a few songs of his that are tinged with sadness for me. Not just because of his passing but because of the part his music played in a certain relationship I had. The song "Butterflies" reminds me of falling in love for the first time. I used to listen to it and curl up in my bed thinking about the guy I was madly in love with and wondering if he'd be listening to the song too (he was a huge MJ fan). It did happen once where we were both listening to the song and I was definitely thanking Michael for writing it because it described how I was feeling. For a long time when he called me my phone rang "The Way You Make Me Feel" (it was the only MJ ringtone T-Mobile had that was appropriate). Only a few weeks ago, my friends and I were screaming "Dirty Diana" at a party. I held hands with my oldest sister while we both sang every word to "P.Y.T." twice in a fine moment of sisterly solidarity that we've never shared before? IT was great because it was finally something we had in common.
When I think of just how much our lives have all been impacted by this man, this absolute visionary, whether we know it or not, it is an incredibly humbling experience. He's influenced every musical artist regardless of genre in the past thirty or so years. He brought together all kinds of music from having Eddie Van Halen play the guitar on "Beat It" to Slash being featured on "Black or White" . His albums defied what people thought pop music could ever be and definitely broke the expectations audiences had of a black artist. He made MTV a staple even though at first they wouldn't play his music videos. He brought together all kinds of people to record "We Are the World" as one of his many humanitarian efforts. He created the moonwalk and the robot, two dance moves people will try to imitate forever. So what if his best friend was a chimp? (and a damn cute one at that) Who cared if he was a little weird? I certainly didn't and trust me, I spent the better portion of my childhood completely frightened of the man. I had so many visions of the future, being rich and famous and having Michael over for lunch to ask him so many questions...like what was it like to work with a rat? And to sing a song about one? And why did he wear black shoes with white socks? And what was with the military jackets? Why only one glove? How did it become sparkly? Did someone bedazzle it? Why did you call it the moonwalk? I mean, I guess it sounded better than that thing where I slide across the floor. And why the hell did you say "ch-mon" Michael? These are questions I won't get to ask him and bring back an answer for. I just picture him up in Heaven, hanging out with Bubbles and walking across the moon. Thank you Michael, for everything.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Too Many Words Inside My Head
Well, I'm back...for now. I have horrible trouble keeping up with this bloody thing. Mainly because I'm always thinking about so many great topics and then either a) don't have the time to write a blog, b) don't have the motivation to write a blog or c) all of the above. It's more often than not c. I'm currently writing my first novel and that takes up a lot of my brain power. And sometimes I'm physically wide awake but my brain has puttered out on me many hours before. I need to stop thinking so well in the middle of the night.
Right now I just wanted to touch base and say that I'm not dead but my brain is a little and hopefully I'll be back soon to really kick start this blog with a vengeance. In the meanwhile, check me out on twitter: twitter.com/nycstylegal. I'm actually really witty and funny throughout the day. And you might see some potential blog topics on there. I'm saying it here and now...July 2009, And It Really Makes Me Wonder gets taken to the next level!
Right now I just wanted to touch base and say that I'm not dead but my brain is a little and hopefully I'll be back soon to really kick start this blog with a vengeance. In the meanwhile, check me out on twitter: twitter.com/nycstylegal. I'm actually really witty and funny throughout the day. And you might see some potential blog topics on there. I'm saying it here and now...July 2009, And It Really Makes Me Wonder gets taken to the next level!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything I Thought I Knew
What do you when the one part of your life you believe in most turns out to be the biggest lie? I recently found out. The one person in my life who I though I could trust completely betrayed me more than anyone could. I gave him my entire heart and I found out that it all meant nothing.
The whole backstory is long and complicated but let's say it all started 3 years ago. That was when I emotionally gave myself away completely. This all comes down to the betrayal of my deepest feelings. I told someone I thought was a great guy that I loved him and when he said he felt the same way, life seemed perfect.
Fast forward 3 years. There were a lot of things that happened during that time; good and bad. I shared a lot of secrets and broke down a lot of my emotional walls. He was theone person who I could always tell the truth. It wasn't always easy and sometimes he had to force it out of me, but I always told him. It hasn't been terribly easy for me to talk about how I am feeling but I knew he wouldn't judge me. And after a long time of keeping it inside I finally let out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
First off, it is really hard to talk to someone who won't answer your phone calls. And then when I finally did get in touch with him (via text mesage), he talked to me with so much malice and contempt that I was shocked, angry and most of all hurt. How could someone that claimed to care about me talk to me like that? I was upset for the remainder of my evening and so in my cloud of negative feelings, I wrote him a letter. One that calmly and clearly articulated all of the things I was feeling at that moment and things I had been holding in for months and years. I didn't get overly emotional considering how angry I had been initally and managed to keep myself in check. But it was the first time I had been 100% completely honest with him about everything I had felt. It wasn't pretty but it was true. Sometimes it takes an inciting incident to force you to confront the truth. That's what happened for me. It was always bubbling just under the surface...like a boiling pot of water if you will. But as soon as it got too close to the top, I'd put a lid on the pot and say that I would deal with it later.
Let me just say that I've done a lot of growing up and changing in the 3 years that I had let this boy into my heart. It was easy, with us living in two different states it gave both of us the space needed to grow up. But no matter how much I grew up or changed, I never felt any differently about him. Those of you who know the situation know all of the details of this and I'd like to not put that on here because I don't want it to affect the way he's portrayed in this. So when I finally got fed up enough with his games to cut him out of my heart, I knew it was serious. And in the letter I addressed a lot of things that he had done in the past that weren't right. I mean, I had addressed them before but it was always in passing or not terribly seriously. This time I really gave my honest feelings about things. I don't think it was easy for him to read but I could have never anticipated his response...ever.
It was worse than a punch in the stomach. I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my body with a vacuum and that someone was holding a pillow over my face to keep me from ever breathing again. He told me his honest truth and it was way more honest than I expected it to be. Wait, actually I don't think it was more honest, but the honesty came from a place completely opposite of where I expected. I expected something more equal to what I had written. Honest and to the point but civil. That is not what it was. It was painful. He said he never cared about me. Not as a friend and certainly not as anything more. He was just a narcissistic jerk who made me believe that he cared about me to gain my trust and pray on my emotional weakness to get the ego boost he "needed". That is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially in the first couple of sentences. It only got worse from there. I'm not going into too much detail; its still kinda painful to think about. But it really hurts when someone who you cared for and trusted tells you to "get a life" more than once. That still hurts pretty badly.
I'm sure that he got a huge laugh out of the poor little emotionally shattered girl that he played for a fool for 3 years. And I know that I'm angry about that I don't think I'll ever stop being angry. People have tried to tell me that I will but I'm sorry, that's not something that you ever forget. It was the day my world came crashing down around me. And I'll admit that I was stupid for sticking around when he obviously treated me like garbage. I've come to grips with the reality of my fault in the whole affair. But no matter how stupid you are, no one deserves to hear that. Every sentence was like a new slap in the face. Reading it, I felt nauseous, angry, hurt, shocked...I pretty much ran the gamut on the emotional front. But it was a few weeks ago and I have stopped having the dreams where I see him in the street and attack him with the knife I was carrying in my purse just in case that opportunity presented itself. I'm not that angry anymore. But I'll never get my final goodbye. For him it was easy to just pretend that I never existed, because to him, I never really mattered. For me, it's going to take time. Every day I let go a little more.
So, to answer my own question...what do you do in that situation? You get up, take a deep breath and you keep living. It's not easy but I owe it to myself.
The whole backstory is long and complicated but let's say it all started 3 years ago. That was when I emotionally gave myself away completely. This all comes down to the betrayal of my deepest feelings. I told someone I thought was a great guy that I loved him and when he said he felt the same way, life seemed perfect.
Fast forward 3 years. There were a lot of things that happened during that time; good and bad. I shared a lot of secrets and broke down a lot of my emotional walls. He was theone person who I could always tell the truth. It wasn't always easy and sometimes he had to force it out of me, but I always told him. It hasn't been terribly easy for me to talk about how I am feeling but I knew he wouldn't judge me. And after a long time of keeping it inside I finally let out the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
First off, it is really hard to talk to someone who won't answer your phone calls. And then when I finally did get in touch with him (via text mesage), he talked to me with so much malice and contempt that I was shocked, angry and most of all hurt. How could someone that claimed to care about me talk to me like that? I was upset for the remainder of my evening and so in my cloud of negative feelings, I wrote him a letter. One that calmly and clearly articulated all of the things I was feeling at that moment and things I had been holding in for months and years. I didn't get overly emotional considering how angry I had been initally and managed to keep myself in check. But it was the first time I had been 100% completely honest with him about everything I had felt. It wasn't pretty but it was true. Sometimes it takes an inciting incident to force you to confront the truth. That's what happened for me. It was always bubbling just under the surface...like a boiling pot of water if you will. But as soon as it got too close to the top, I'd put a lid on the pot and say that I would deal with it later.
Let me just say that I've done a lot of growing up and changing in the 3 years that I had let this boy into my heart. It was easy, with us living in two different states it gave both of us the space needed to grow up. But no matter how much I grew up or changed, I never felt any differently about him. Those of you who know the situation know all of the details of this and I'd like to not put that on here because I don't want it to affect the way he's portrayed in this. So when I finally got fed up enough with his games to cut him out of my heart, I knew it was serious. And in the letter I addressed a lot of things that he had done in the past that weren't right. I mean, I had addressed them before but it was always in passing or not terribly seriously. This time I really gave my honest feelings about things. I don't think it was easy for him to read but I could have never anticipated his response...ever.
It was worse than a punch in the stomach. I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my body with a vacuum and that someone was holding a pillow over my face to keep me from ever breathing again. He told me his honest truth and it was way more honest than I expected it to be. Wait, actually I don't think it was more honest, but the honesty came from a place completely opposite of where I expected. I expected something more equal to what I had written. Honest and to the point but civil. That is not what it was. It was painful. He said he never cared about me. Not as a friend and certainly not as anything more. He was just a narcissistic jerk who made me believe that he cared about me to gain my trust and pray on my emotional weakness to get the ego boost he "needed". That is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially in the first couple of sentences. It only got worse from there. I'm not going into too much detail; its still kinda painful to think about. But it really hurts when someone who you cared for and trusted tells you to "get a life" more than once. That still hurts pretty badly.
I'm sure that he got a huge laugh out of the poor little emotionally shattered girl that he played for a fool for 3 years. And I know that I'm angry about that I don't think I'll ever stop being angry. People have tried to tell me that I will but I'm sorry, that's not something that you ever forget. It was the day my world came crashing down around me. And I'll admit that I was stupid for sticking around when he obviously treated me like garbage. I've come to grips with the reality of my fault in the whole affair. But no matter how stupid you are, no one deserves to hear that. Every sentence was like a new slap in the face. Reading it, I felt nauseous, angry, hurt, shocked...I pretty much ran the gamut on the emotional front. But it was a few weeks ago and I have stopped having the dreams where I see him in the street and attack him with the knife I was carrying in my purse just in case that opportunity presented itself. I'm not that angry anymore. But I'll never get my final goodbye. For him it was easy to just pretend that I never existed, because to him, I never really mattered. For me, it's going to take time. Every day I let go a little more.
So, to answer my own question...what do you do in that situation? You get up, take a deep breath and you keep living. It's not easy but I owe it to myself.
Friday, March 20, 2009
People In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones
So, who watched the President on Jay Leno tonight? Another job well done I'd say. I actually started writing this blog sooner but I became quite aggriavated by some comments I received about the above subject and had to have some tea to relax before I could re-collect my thoughts and write this post. And those upsetting comments are exactly what is propelling me to write this post.
The President said a lot of really interesting and articulate things tonight on Leno. I wish the video footage was uploaded already because I'd love to link and use direct quotes. But alas, I'm going off what I remember and discussions I was having with my parents, mainly my dad during the interview. In fact we were talking so much, we missed some of the funnier things being said. Now before I start, I'm telling you know that this is purely my analysis and opinions and I may get a little frustrated and passionate.
One thing that really struck me that the President talked about today was how what a lot of these banks and credit card and mortgage companies did and are doing is completely legal. CapitalOne can charge me ridiculous amounts of interest on my credit card if they want to. But the President put it this way, and it really stayed with me. "When your toaster blows up in your face, you're protected because appliances are supposed to be safe. But when your credit card blows up in your face, there's no one there to protect you." I'm currently going through some credit card issues and so that really hit home. And he's completely right. Sure, there may be ways to fix the problem, but what if you can't bail yourself out? This is how they trap you. And like he said, its not just about fixing everything at this point, we really do need to start re-writing the laws around here to protect the interests of the consumers.
What we as a country have to understand is that this isn't going to happen in a day. Its all a trickle down effect and it's going to take some time for it to get down to us. First of all, the man has only been in office for two months! Contrary to what some may want to believe, he's not Superman; he can't fix it all instantly. And to those who want to talk about how much further in debt he is putting us in, what do you expect? You have to bottom out before you go back up. After listening to what the President had to say tonight, I know that he knows that. He knows what he's doing people. And he does not have an easy road ahead of him. This current economic state isn't something that he can fix in a month. It's going to take a long time. And yes, my great grandchildren may still be paying for it but guess what people? HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON HIS OWN!! HE'S COME INTO OFFICE AND NOW HAS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES!!!
This is really what frustrates me the most. No one before Obama want to own up to the responsiblity of their wrong actions. He's only been President for fifty-nine days. What about the people who were in charge before him? I don't see them stepping up to the plate. And I'm not saying anything about taking the blame for what happened. Its not about blame anymore. It's about owning up to the wrongdoings that have been commited. My dad was telling me that Obama has asked for the help of those who came before him who were in similar positions because as we both reasoned they're the ones who put him in the situation he's currently in, so the least they can do is to help come up with ways to fix it. Right? I think it's only fair. And like my dad said, it's bad enough that Obama has all this stuff to deal with but he also has to deal with the Republicans throwing stones at him, hoping for failure.
My dad saying that is what prompted the title of this blog. People in glass houses should not throw stones. And I say that because who was in charge before Obama? Who were the people who put the country in the position its in now? It wasn't the Obama administration that's for sure. But no one wants to talk about that. They just want to sit and point fingers about what's happening now. To understand where we are now, we have to look at the past. And what's happening now isn't something that was done in fifty-nine days, a year or even eight years. This is twenty plus years of destruction that is finally come to a head. And I'm not pointing fingers at Republicans, my parents used to be Republicans. But they do all of this damage and then don't want to accept the responsibilty for their actions. May I point out that the last President to leave the nation in such a damaging deficit was Ronald Regan in the 80s? He was a Republican. Destruction yet again. So don't sit there and throw stones, because if we threw them back, it would be more devestating for you.
And now bringing it back to my inital aggrivation. I really hate it when people talk about things that sure they may have a clue of but it's completely one sided. If you only watch right wing news, you're only going to have their side of the story. Look at both sides of the arguement before you pick a side. Because though you may think you know what you're talking about, you may not be getting all of the information. And then you're coming at me with a one sided arguement. I don't take kindly to one sided arguments and attacks. Also, don't talk to me like I don't know what's going on. My father is a JOURNALIST. This is what he does for a living; gathering information and then reporting on it. We talk a lot about what's going on, we always have. And I do my own research as well. So when you want to go on the defensive, you better know what you're coming up against.
The President said a lot of really interesting and articulate things tonight on Leno. I wish the video footage was uploaded already because I'd love to link and use direct quotes. But alas, I'm going off what I remember and discussions I was having with my parents, mainly my dad during the interview. In fact we were talking so much, we missed some of the funnier things being said. Now before I start, I'm telling you know that this is purely my analysis and opinions and I may get a little frustrated and passionate.
One thing that really struck me that the President talked about today was how what a lot of these banks and credit card and mortgage companies did and are doing is completely legal. CapitalOne can charge me ridiculous amounts of interest on my credit card if they want to. But the President put it this way, and it really stayed with me. "When your toaster blows up in your face, you're protected because appliances are supposed to be safe. But when your credit card blows up in your face, there's no one there to protect you." I'm currently going through some credit card issues and so that really hit home. And he's completely right. Sure, there may be ways to fix the problem, but what if you can't bail yourself out? This is how they trap you. And like he said, its not just about fixing everything at this point, we really do need to start re-writing the laws around here to protect the interests of the consumers.
What we as a country have to understand is that this isn't going to happen in a day. Its all a trickle down effect and it's going to take some time for it to get down to us. First of all, the man has only been in office for two months! Contrary to what some may want to believe, he's not Superman; he can't fix it all instantly. And to those who want to talk about how much further in debt he is putting us in, what do you expect? You have to bottom out before you go back up. After listening to what the President had to say tonight, I know that he knows that. He knows what he's doing people. And he does not have an easy road ahead of him. This current economic state isn't something that he can fix in a month. It's going to take a long time. And yes, my great grandchildren may still be paying for it but guess what people? HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON HIS OWN!! HE'S COME INTO OFFICE AND NOW HAS TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES!!!
This is really what frustrates me the most. No one before Obama want to own up to the responsiblity of their wrong actions. He's only been President for fifty-nine days. What about the people who were in charge before him? I don't see them stepping up to the plate. And I'm not saying anything about taking the blame for what happened. Its not about blame anymore. It's about owning up to the wrongdoings that have been commited. My dad was telling me that Obama has asked for the help of those who came before him who were in similar positions because as we both reasoned they're the ones who put him in the situation he's currently in, so the least they can do is to help come up with ways to fix it. Right? I think it's only fair. And like my dad said, it's bad enough that Obama has all this stuff to deal with but he also has to deal with the Republicans throwing stones at him, hoping for failure.
My dad saying that is what prompted the title of this blog. People in glass houses should not throw stones. And I say that because who was in charge before Obama? Who were the people who put the country in the position its in now? It wasn't the Obama administration that's for sure. But no one wants to talk about that. They just want to sit and point fingers about what's happening now. To understand where we are now, we have to look at the past. And what's happening now isn't something that was done in fifty-nine days, a year or even eight years. This is twenty plus years of destruction that is finally come to a head. And I'm not pointing fingers at Republicans, my parents used to be Republicans. But they do all of this damage and then don't want to accept the responsibilty for their actions. May I point out that the last President to leave the nation in such a damaging deficit was Ronald Regan in the 80s? He was a Republican. Destruction yet again. So don't sit there and throw stones, because if we threw them back, it would be more devestating for you.
And now bringing it back to my inital aggrivation. I really hate it when people talk about things that sure they may have a clue of but it's completely one sided. If you only watch right wing news, you're only going to have their side of the story. Look at both sides of the arguement before you pick a side. Because though you may think you know what you're talking about, you may not be getting all of the information. And then you're coming at me with a one sided arguement. I don't take kindly to one sided arguments and attacks. Also, don't talk to me like I don't know what's going on. My father is a JOURNALIST. This is what he does for a living; gathering information and then reporting on it. We talk a lot about what's going on, we always have. And I do my own research as well. So when you want to go on the defensive, you better know what you're coming up against.
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